undescribable

JPE: I admire your ability to epxress sincere and heart-felt emotions. I know anxiety can be lonely. It is hard to relate to if you have not been there. I never understood it myself, until I experienced it.

But I see, from your posting, some really encouraging signs: You have not succumbed to despair. You recognize that you are lucky to have a loving husband and two beautiful kids, and you want to enjoy life with them. So you are motivated to get better, control your anxiety, and enjoy many years of happiness -- for you, for your husband, and for your kids. That motivation is so important. You have A LOT to live for, and the potential for a long and happy life. With patience (I know, not easy!) and a good therapist, I am confident you will succeed because you have the right attitude.

Two more thoughts. Don't beat yourself up over the anxiety. That can make it worse. And it is not your "fault" -- anxiety is a medical condition, not a moral failing. Good people suffer anxiety. So don't blame yourself for it. Second, don't be hard on your family for not understanding it. Its not that they don't want to understand what its like -- they just can't. When my anxiety was at its worst, I said to my wife "I know you can't understand this -- I would not have understood it either before it occurred -- but just assume that it is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with, and sort of all-consuming. But if you hang in there and try to be patient, supportive and not critical, I will do my part by not giving in to it, and doing everything possible to try to get better, even when it is difficult to just get out of bed." I then did a lot of things that were hard for me, including seeking psychiatric assistance for the first time in my life (I guess I was the last person in the world my friends and colleagues thought would do that) and taking medications. My goal was always to "beat this thing rather than allowing it to take over." I did well. I am off medications and living a good life. You can too. I have confidence in you.

JPE004,

I can relate with you on so many levels its kinda creepy lol just remember we are all here to help.

Thanks everyone for your comments.
@weary RA sufferer- I have been checked for thyroid disorder & everything came back normal. I recently had a brain MRI that showed an arachnoid cyst which is generally formed during fetal development & supposedly not harmful nor does it cause symptoms the doctor said. Not sure of what to think about that & have neurologist appointment Friday. I have VERY REAL symptoms, just not sure of the root cause yet.

We will all overcome this anxiety. I'm not giving up nor letting it win. I'm going to take control of my life one step at a time. My boys are my drive in life

Hello JPE004 - reading your post I realized I could have written the same thing when I was 24.  I am now 65 and I can assure you this does get better.  I have had many anxiety-free years, and then some loaded with the darn curse.  However, the more you learn about the illness, the better you can deal with it when it hits.  Just recently, for some reason, I have been suffering from more anxiety than usual....I too think every little ache or twinge is a sign of some terminal disease.  And now that I'm up there in years, I'm convinced this now has to be something real.  The sad part is that for so many years I wasted untold days, weeks and months being convinced I was dying of something when in reality I apparently was very healthy....which I am sure you are too.  I hate to read stories like yours from such a young person....I wish I had the ability to assure and convince you that you are NOT dying of anything...you are young, healthy and just burdened by this horrible anxiety which makes you feel you MUST have something physically wrong with you.  I've said this before on this site and I'll say it again....a long time ago I had a wonderful psychologist I was seeing who told me that he felt his patients with anxiety were some of the nicest, kindest, and surprisingly strongest people he knew.  We suffer in silence most of the time because so many around us don't understand the affliction.  But we somehow get through each day (barely it seems), we do what we have to do and we conquer each day.  We should really give ourselves more credit than we do....rather than telling yourself how "weak and weird" you are, start repeating how "strong and resilient" you are and maybe at some point you'll begin to believe it.....because it's true.  Good luck....you'll be okay.

Wow....more and more you sound exactly like me - or the me I was at your age.  I believe I've had anxiety since I was a young child, and health anxiety especially.  Always SURE I had something terminal, no matter what any doctor told me to the contrary.  I always think I have heart problems, constantly feeling my pulse, worried if it skips a beat (which it does frequently and oftentimes you feel it in your throat), worried if it goes too fast or too slow.  You just have to keep telling yourself, "I'm okay, I'm okay, it's just this darn anxiety making me have all these unreasonable fears.  And, yes, I too have always been afraid of meds and the side effects they might give me.  I currently take a small dose of Xanax each morning (when my anxiety seems to be the worse) but I've been getting a prescription for an antidepressant from my psychologist for the last three years and I've never filled it once (so he of course thinks I've been taking it....how crazy is that!).  Depending on how debilitating your depression is, maybe you can conquer it without meds also.....I was diagnosed with what they call Anxious Depression many years ago and I still cry at the drop of a hat so I know it's legitimate but I refuse to take meds for it....I'm determined to lick it myself.   Most of the time it's the anxiety and health anxiety that bother me the most anyway and the Xanax does seem to help.  I've been on and off it for many years so it's never been addicting for me.  It's what my mother used to call a "happy" pill.  It takes the edge of he worst of your anxiety and lets you go through your day more normally.  The only side effect of it is that it makes you feel like you used to feel when you DIDN'T have anxiety, so that's not a bad side effect.  As long as you don't abuse the drug and I never have in all these years.  So, once again, good luck and keep fighting.  Andrea