Posted 1/14/2013 5:09 AM (GMT 0)
New member, just signed up a few minutes ago & read threw the rules lol. So I've basically been through h*ll and back at this point & somehow managed to survive it all. All of the frustration, depression, tears, anger, embarrassment, oh and not to mention the anxiety attacks & sensations themselves! All that good stuff that this monster comes along with. Not gonna go through my life story but I developed anxiety/panic attack/phobia disorder from going through deep depression in middle school (was teased).. kinda went from one condition and once loosing that, it had already manifested into another. I'm 25 now, moved to a whole new state on my own 1 1/2 year ago, have made EXTREME progress with this all over the past FEW years BUT there are still a couple (feels amazing to be able to use that word btw), very specific situations that I must face to (what I believe will) complete this process & completely eliminate my anxiety Condition. Public Speaking being the monster challenge of course. I went to a self improvement/meditation group today & it was panic attack city for me having to speak in this circle of strangers & do small activities, smh. Alot of compassionate ppl I met though & could tell in there eyes they felt for me & just wanted me to overcome this. Felt crazy though lol.. not to mention I had a work meeting yesterday & everyone was able to see just how awkward & nervous I am when speaking with a group, and i didn't even speak during it!! lol just walked in and my co workers were happy to see me and the 1 was over the top happy and drew way to much attention to me right away so here i am nervous AS EVER already, which there not all used to seeing :( (there goes that embarrassment again) !!
Point here is (im exhausted & tired of the bs that comes along with this) I know exactly what I need to do & its time to take on challenges pertaining directly to public speaking so I can end this internal war!!! I just feel so physically WEAK & vulnerable when going through panic attacks that I'm not sure how I'll be able to put myself in front of ppl on my own initially to actually be able to conquer this last step. I really am just seeking some form of motivation or words of encouragement, would feel great to feel like I have true supporters on my side rooting for me!! I can keep updates also if anyone would like, which would almost make me feel obligated to do this! lol i wanna say i dont know if thats a good or bad thing but i know its probably whats best. I try & stay optimistic just can't completely ignore this heaviness on my heart right now, hyperhydrosis was out of control today & i still have some tears in my eyes from the events that took place yesterday & today. I will overcome this one way or another (hopefully sometime soon) I just would love to have some support because this is the direct fear & could possibly be the hardest thing I have to try & come face to face with. . haven't spoken to any family about this in depth lately only because it doesn't get me anywhere anyways, I need those who understand what I've gone threw and am going threw.. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for anyone whose read this and/or responds!