What's this called?

Hello everyone... I have a question, I can't find the word to describe it and I can't even explain it because I don't understand it very well, but I'll try...

One of the things that I have found very very hard in my life is to be in a relationship... Not because I didn't like guys or because they didn't like me... It's, I have a lot of things in my head... I think the place where I lived when I was a child also affected the way I think..

I was born in a little village, very very little... I lived there until I was 12 (I'm 25 now), my mom was very strict with the tradictions there and she wanted us to be always "good girls". For her, all things about having boyfriends, falling in love, and all the emotions love causes were ridiculous, inacceptable, stupid... For her, the most important things in life were, study, job, children and yes, getting a husband, but i never mentioned to say the word "love"...

So, when I was in elemntary school and I startedto like boys, I remember I "suffered" a lot for this boy who never liked me lol, and I was so depressed, but I never could say anything, I remember it so mch because it was a very strong feeling and I was like 7 or 8, itwas crazy... Then, when I was ni middle school, I moved to a big city, my friends had boyfriends and they used to go very pretty to school to the see boys and everything, and I felt like I didn't belong to that world, it was like I couldn't register those things, my brain didn't read that behavor... So when I saw my friends crying because the boy had anbother girlfriend or angry because the boy said he was going to see her but he didn't, etc, I couldn't understand it, like why are they making such a drama, they look ridiculous... And then, when they told me things like: ahh you like this or that boy right?? I was like: NO! I don't! LIke I always wanted to deny very very hard those things, like it was embarrasing that I liked someone... It was wrong, I felt guilty, bad... Like when you have to accept you like something embarrasing, like you are a boy and your pijamas has flowers or those things, I can't explain it, or the feeling you had when you did something very very embarrasing, like you feel embarrased and sad when everyone points it out, and you try to deny what you did...

And this has been always, until now, I still feel like 'oh it's not important, I don't fall in love, I don't care, I do important things like I work and my family and etc, but loveee?! don't be ridiculous'... And I'd like to think that I'm wrong, that love is important, falling in love, having a boyfriend, then maybe marrying someone... But I don't feel it... I don't know what it is... In my house all of those romantic things meant weakness, just dramma, things that a girl did just because she was horny, so, what a shame to accep it...

Some weeks ago, I was "dating" someone, but it resulted hewas married, and now I'm like: pff I don't care, I didn't like him anyway, that was not important, I don't feel hurt or anything, and I don't even talk to anyone about it because I feel they are going to tell me the same things, like 'oh big deal, just get over it, focus on important things'...

What is it? I'm sorry I wrote so much and I don't know if I explained myself, I tried my best I don't even udnerstand very well this...

Hey there bond girl don't fret and don't get discouraged. I know how you feel. I myself was raised in a very similar environment. Except my mom was what you could consider a man-hater. She was a single mom and a great one. But she pressed for a lot of the things you've mentioned here for my sis and I. There. Wasn't a lack of love in my home just affection. We are not a very affectionate family. And even though many of my relationships didn't work out and ended quite painfully I still know what love is. Love is a tangible thing and very real. I believe honestly that the lack of affection thing is what trips me up. But be well. I am married now and even though I have to work at it affection doesn't come naturally to me, I still know what love is. And so do you. You have to go through a lot of Mr wrongs before ya find Mr right. And even if this doesn't work out for me I know I'll try again. Because love is real and it is for me .and for you.don't give up. He's out there.he's waiting on you. He just doesn't know it yet. But, he will. Icgirl.