Posted 4/19/2013 4:56 PM (GMT 0)
I was here long time ago but I was starting to feel good... And now I'm here because, this happened again, and it's horrible.
I've noticed my stress/anxiety episodes are not more often but stronger. I had been fine, I was fine for so long, but then, it happened something that something that triggered my anxiety. My job is one of the things I love the most, I don't imagine myself doing another thing besides being independant, this let me be out and far from my house, losing it would mean I failed and the imposibility to get another job soon would force me to go back home, which would be the worst.
So last week it appeared one oportunity for me to get more hours of work, it would have solved so many things, what I had to do was to leave on application, just that, and they were going to check the history of every applicant and they were going to decide. I couldn't do anything else. Well, I applied, (at the end it resulted that I will work those hours temporary while they see if they will give it permanently or not -some people from above , the bosses, don't want to-). But the things is, when I heard I could apply for those extra hours, I started thiking what it would happen if I didn't get them. Since I dno't have a roomate anymore, my expenses are much higher, so it was like a big help. But before knowing if I was gonig to take them temporary, I started thinking the worst things, the worst scenarios, literally that I was going to starve, that everyone at work were going to make a plot to not help me, to consciously not help me because they also secretly hated me, so I was going to live alone and poor or with the torture of my mom telling me that I'm a loser.
It was not just a random thought you have, it was a constant concern and it lasted two days, day and night, I couldn't even sleep, I didn't know what to do to forget it. I tried to talk to two friends and I'm sure they wanted to help but hearing them say things like: yes, they are very corrupt, you have to start thinking what to do or they will let you out; fed the thoughts of concern and fear I already had.
Like when you are at home, and suddenly someone comes home and say: you know what, you lost all of your money, get out of the house because we are taking everything. What do you feel like? Frustrated, depressed, very fearfully, desperate like what will it happen with your life from now on? Why with all of what you built? That's how I felt.
That night I saw a friend on Skype and I talked to her, after that I felt better, and I started thinking how I had been thikking those two horrible days, it was a constant feeling of danger, and it consumed me emotionally. Being in this state blocked any rational thought. After everything happened i thought "well I'm going to keep being a little restricted? with money, but I'm fine and I'm living fine, and maybe I can ask for help to some of my co workers and I'm sure they will help me". I started to feel better with this more realistic things.
But I started thiking, what if those of the things I think actually happen? There's a HUGE chance I will lose my job in some years for some new arrangements they are doing, and if that happens, I could go literally crazy or something. I could take it like the ened of the world and those horrible frustrating things will come back. I don't want to lose my job, but if I do, I don't want to be dead in life. At least when I am concious of what's happening, but in a realistic way, I can look for help or I can worry about getting help or to see what I can do, or why not, to accept I lose something and then go on. But with this thoughts I imagine the worst and I block/emotionally isolate myself from the world or from any rational thought and I live in this constant state of danger and frustration the entire day, and it's very emotionally tiring:(... I don't want to fall on that again so now that I could recover some peace in my mind, I try to avoid those thoughts, but I'm afraid they will come back and I will feel like this again.