I need help, advice...

Alright, so before I begin anything, I'm going to say hello and I'm a first time poster.
This may be a long post, because I have never frequented this forum, and I have never spoken with others who have the same condition I do. But I feel as though I need help from others.

I have had anxiety most of my life (or I believe so) and it has come out in a big way during heavy, stressful parts of my life.
It was most noticeable a few years ago, when I was with my ex. We were together for 3 1/2 years, and his work made me very anxious (he was in the military, and had been over to afghanistan shortly after we met). When he returned, things went sour, and for most of the relationship it was just stress and anxiety.

I split from him and not long after started seeing my current boyfriend. We have now been together for nearly 2 years.

So my anxiety triggered about a year and a half ago, when he stopped working and for some reason would not look for work. I was working full time for very little pay and struggling to make our ends meet and pay our bills. We eventually had to give in and move across the country to my parents place in order to help us financially. We spent 6 months here before he got a job.

During those first 6 months at my parents there were fights nearly every day. We would explode on one another for no reason, and I would work myself up into hysteria until I exhausted myself, and we would cool down and forget it until next time. It kept happening. Then around Christmas I went in to speak to a women's counselor, and she advised me to seek help for anxiety and depression.
I visited my doctor and was prescribed 10mg daily of Citalopram, and .5mg of Lorazepam for emergencies.

I began my medications and things started to look up. We painted our red walls to a cream (he thought the red was too angry) and things started running smoothly. Until my anxious feelings and constant worrying made work very hard for me. I would start my day worrying about something extremely small, and it would consume me for the day, and I would miss work because I couldn't do it.

Thats when I was encouraged by my parents and my boyfriend to seek professional help at a mental health center.
So I did. I've gone to a number of sessions and sometimes I feel that it's not right for me. The mental health worker is paid by government and isn't that helpful in my opinion. She's educated me on my emotions and taught me that they're okay. But the techniques she's taught me, I just can never seem to remember them in the onset of panic. I know I should breathe and challenge my thoughts, but I can't do it.

Now the biggest problem boils down to this.
We still fight. Yes, sometimes It's healthy. I understand that. I don't think he does.
For example, today during a small fight that was in no way fight worthy, I became offended by something he said and my emotions took over. I got defensive and angry. We separated ourselves for a few minutes. He came back and I tried to explain WHY I'd gotten upset, and he brushed it off. After more words were exchanged, things kept popping up like "You're acting crazy" And "your reactions are so irrational".
I have explained to him that calling me crazy, or even saying I'm acting crazy does not help me in a healthy way, and I don't like it. I also explained to him that I have gotten better, and we are not fighting as often, and it's ridiculous to expect me to be able to completely control my anxiety all the time.
The medications are also inhibiting my sexual drive, so that puts a lot of stress into the relationship. I think he understands, but we will go weeks without even so much as touching one another, because he's stopped trying. He has stopped because of so many failures before. So that lack of intimacy is making me anxious..

What I'm really asking though, is for help. Help me figure out how to explain to him that my anxiety is much harder to control than just "Not thinking about it" or "Not getting upset about it". Because it's just frustrating when he says those things to me, and I feel as though he's not even attempting to understand.

I want to know also, if anyone else gets extremely emotional over very trivial things. Like when I get upset, I freak out. I raise my voice, I get venomous with my words, and in his words, confrontational. We handle emotions differently, I like to tackle them head on and talk about them while they're present, where as he likes to sit back and shut himself in until HE'S ready.

I love him so very much, and I want nothing but happiness in our relationship. I just feel as though I have to change so much of myself in order to do that.
I'm so confused about everything, and I have no one who could fully understand me...
These problems are going to tear us apart eventually, and I can't have that happen. I have already lost one person to this disorder, and I don't want to do it again.


Any replies would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you ScaredyCat, just having someone tell me they understand is so helpful. Because I didn't think anyone did.

I never thought the way I am was a problem. My past relationship I just figured didn't work because we were not compatible. But that wasn't totally true.

I have not really been doing CBT therapy. Like I said, my counselor at the mental health center doesn't help me too terribly much. She gives me printouts of breathing techniques and just tells me to 'challenge your thinking'. I understand what she's doing, but I don't think she's very thorough with me, and she doesn't feel like much help.

I will definitely look into that website, and I will have to start being more hands on with this. Because I'll be honest, besides taking the medication and just GOING to these counselor appointments, I haven't been doing my duty to actually help myself.

And I feel as though I have to help myself not only for myself, but for the boyfriend because I need him. He's been my only friend and partner for almost 2 years, and I would never forgive myself if he left because I couldn't change.
I hope someone understands that.

But again, thank you very much. You have been helpful, and I'll for sure come around more often, now that I've found somewhere I'm understood.

cait, I was the poster child for a husband who just didn't get it for many years, I Loved my Wife Dearly but
I never understood why She didn't love me enough to just let it go. (snap out of it comes to mind) Funny how God gets even with us, I was 48 and had my first panic attack. Now mine was different than everyone else's it was MINE!. lol, Anyway I struggled for years thinking I was dying, couldn't breath, pain in chest, under arm, in back, dizzy, depressed, ect. The bottom line is if someone has not had one they will not understand and this go's triple for therapists, it's like a driver training instructor who read the book but never drove a car. This forum is full of stories just like yours, your not alone, stay here and meet people just like you, soon you will be reaching out to someone who just found this Forum.
Larry ***