Feeling down, scared, anxious

It has been such a yo-yo week. Went to camp this weekend, parents fought so me and my mom came rushed back to town. I get so tired of being in the middle of their fights and its been going on for as long as I can remember, even to being a small child. It's always like I'm the messenger, can't say anything wrong about my dad or else my mom gets mad, I just get so frustrated and emotional and its like she doesn't understand me. I'm only 19 and feel like I'm to old and tired, it's a crazy feeling. I feel like its never ending and then they get back together and all these emotions just become muddled up inside and in so tired of it. It's been so toxic for me and I feel so in the middle and its getting to be so much. My mind is so tired and I get literally exhausted when she talks about it, and its literally 24/7. No wonder I have anxiety.

So that lead up to me laying here, googling and crying and shaking again over the stupid pcos cause it increases all these bad things. It's like why do I beat myself up when I've already been so upset. Is it like a way to get away from it or a way to make myself feel even worse?

Ugh bad nights, but as always thank you for the continued support and kindness you are all awesome!

Thanks for the reply sc!!

It's just so frustrating, especially because me and my mom work together and it's all day she talks I literally get so tired I have to go lay down its so draining. My dad leaves and he knows how she is and she thinks I'm some kind of counsellor!! I said to her I won't call my dad down, or her and she thinks I'm always against her but he's still my dad and i see what happens, they don't care they will fight in front me and its just so frustrating. I don't have many friends here at the moment cause they have all gone away for school so it's at that point where I can't even phone a friend to go for a coffee or hangout.

I tried going outside and laying in the sun, I've resorted to that LOL but then my mom comes out and starts calling down my dad or saying what she texted him and I've asked a million times I don't want to hear it. I don't think she understands the type of person I am, I am the type who looks at the positive things, at least try to and she comes and puts a damper on it. I know she may be upset but for me it's been a revolving door of this since I was young and I just don't know how to go about it anymore