Posted 7/10/2013 3:47 PM (GMT 0)
This past year for me has been a nightmare, and that is one of the reasons why I haven't been on in a while. Talk about STRESS! I won't go into detail, but my daughter and granddaughter (who is 6) moved in with us last November, after her stay in rehab. I don't want to tell the whole story because I did post about it before, but THAT was enough for me to have to go up to 1 mg of xanax 3 times a day, from .5 two to three times a day!
Talk about needing to be alone! The only peace I could find, and I'm not lying about this, was in my BATHROOM! I would go in my bedroom, lock that door, then go in my bathroom with a book, lock that door too, and just sit on the toilet, seat down, and just read for a good hour!
It was too much for me to handle! From her stealing half my bottle of xanax, and having to call my doctor and explain what happened so I had enough to finish the month myself, to dealing with her sneaking alcohol in the house and hiding the empty bottles in her bedroom, and then eventually finding a way to get her own "medicine".
It came to a point where I actually had to buy a lock for my bedroom door because she would go in and sort through my personal things, looking for my pills!!! That was it for me! I had totally had enough, and actually left MY home for 3 or 4 days and went to stay with my mother. I told my husband that it was just too much for me to handle, and he needed to make a choice, it was either me leaving or her leaving. Her being here and causing so much tension in the house had me and my husband constantly fighting, and I was NOT going to let a 27 year old destroy my marriage! We had enough obstacles 3 years ago to get through, and I was not going to let her destroy what we managed to rebuild!
I know that might seem like a harsh ultimatum for some of you, but I watched my ex's mother enable him to be a drug addict because she paid for EVERYTHING for him, including rent, car payments, insurance, etc... and let him do whatever he wanted, and now that she's gone, he's been in and out of jail, and living in a homeless shelter because he never learned responsibility and how to take care of himself.
AND I also watched my brother, who is a recovered addict(thank God), drain my mom's bank account and steal from everyone, yet she still left him live at home and pay NOTHING, and made excuses for him!
I was tired of living that way, and I REFUSED to be an enabler to my own child, I've seen the damage it causes!
Finally I talked to her myself and told her that she had to go, it was just too much for me to handle. So she moved back in with her boyfriend/fiance, who I might add, does NOT do drugs, and that's the only reason I left my granddaughter go with her, because I know she will be taken care of with him.
So, here we are, about 3 weeks later, and she's moved out. It was kind of bittersweet when she left because of my granddaughter, but as I told her when I talked to her, I want to be able to enjoy my granddaughter, NOT raise her! I was getting so stressed out because I raised my kids, and I was not used to having a 6 year old running around the house 24/7.
I feel a lot better now BUT I had to go on another med because of all the stress I was dealing with. And so my journey started Wednesday July 3rd, with Lexapro! Hopefully this will help me, because the xanax alone was NOT touching my depression, which by the way got worse, as did my OCD. I'm hoping to eventually be able to get off of the xanax on a daily basis now, and just have it for when I need it. Just waiting to adjust to the med. So we'll see.
WHEW! Well, it felt good to get all that out!
Hope you all are feeling good!
((HUGS)) Fox