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PTSD & OCD working double time tonight.....

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Posted 7/29/2013 2:26 AM (GMT 0)
For those of you that know me, or have read my past posts, you'll know that I was in a REALLY bad place going on 3 years ago. Hubby had an affair for a few weeks and I got rid of MY car because of things that were done in it.

Well tonight me and hubby got into it about "the car". I gave it to my daughter, to take over the payments on, just to get it out of my sight. When she moved home, the car came with her, and that itself was a constant reminder for me every time I looked at it. I learned to push those feelings and thoughts to the back of my mind. Ok good, right?

Well, since my daughter moved back out and back in with her fiance, she said she couldn't afford the repairs on the car, and gave it back. My son, who is living with us, told her he'd give her a couple hundred for it and he would fix it, seeing as how he doesn't have a car of his own at the moment.

So, he put a new battery in it, but there is something else wrong with it, and I told him not to give her anymore money until he finds out how much it's going to cost to fix it. I told him that I paid THOUSANDS of dollars into the car, and the $300 he gave her today would have to do.

WELL, hubby starts having a fit, saying she paid money for the car and he should give her what he said he was going to, which was $500. She totally destroyed the car, burn holes in the seats and carpets, stains, broken speaker covers, etc.... So I said, what about the thousands I paid into it??? The hell with that! I would still have the darn car if it wasn't for his "mistake"!

The things he was saying triggered something with the PTSD & OCD, and just brought everything to the surface again, and my mind is playing over and over now, as if it was just yesterday that all of this happened.

Part of me feels like just walking out the door, I can't stand to be in the same room as him at the moment. I was watching a show earlier, and told him that I would like to be left alone, but he didn't listen and came in and started talking about that darn car again! I DON'T want to talk about the car! I DON'T need this! I feel like going out and blowing the darn thing up!!! He doesn't understand how PTSD and OCD work. All it takes is one little thing to trigger it, and then it's off and away!

I'm trying to calm my mind and send everything back to the far corners, but I'm not doing such a good job tonight. Anyone have any tips on how to get this crap out of my head now? I'm really trying, but it's not working and I feel like just crying all over again. I HATE this! cry
Posted 7/29/2013 2:46 AM (GMT 0)
First of all, big comforting hugs to you. I am so sorry that you have ever had to feel that pain...and that it is now returning to the surface.

I believe that you had the right instincts to try to be alone, and work through your feelings in privacy. I am sorry that your husband did not respect those boundaries...and I think that you should try again, and be clear that you need some space for now.

This is easier said than done...I know that all too well... but I'll say it anyway....

...but what he did in the past, is in the past. If you have chosen to forgive and move on, then no memory or reminder changes the fact that he is sorry for his actions, and is not going to betray your trust again.

Little things are going to trigger the memories and insecurities/fears... that is just a fact, but it doesn't threaten your current situation.

So, give yourself some time to calm, and make a decision that you all can agree on.

I will pray that your husband gets a clue in the sensitivity department!

Sending comfort and encouragement.

S.C.
Posted 7/29/2013 3:10 AM (GMT 0)
SC, Thank you so much for responding! You have no idea how your post made me feel. Just the thought of someone that can give me some thoughtful words, and understands what I am going through, brings me a lot comfort. I know I can always count on you and Kitt. You both have been here for me from almost the beginning, and I would like to thank you for that.

I am sitting in my office now, all alone (thank God) and I'm just breathing..... Giving it all to God and putting it in His hands once again.

I DO NOT like to feel this way. I HAVE forgiven him, and I know it was a terrible mistake on his part because he was experiencing a manic episode at the time. BUT that still doesn't excuse the actions, and the severe hurt, and damage it caused. I try SO hard every day to put all of this behind me, and I thought I'd be so much better by now, I mean I am, in all honesty, but some days something stupid triggers it. I do feel pretty secure in our relationship now, not totally 100% yet, but close, and I don't think he would ever do it again, but I can't prevent or stop the thoughts once they come. I just have to ride them out, and being alone lets me focus on clearing my mind and thinking good thoughts.

I feel a lot better just writing this, because I'm getting it all out. Thanks for being here for me once again SC, I really do appreciate it!

(((HUGS))) Fox
Posted 7/29/2013 3:54 AM (GMT 0)
sent u an e-mail:)
Posted 7/29/2013 4:41 AM (GMT 0)
Foxie being a man creature I probably shouldnt say anything, but I want you to know that this forgivness thing is complicated at best. Forgivness is a wonderful thing to be able to give, but forgeting is much harder maybe impossible. Please try to not let the "thought thing" punch your buttons, you have given a lot to this relationship for the right reasons, please don't let anger cause problems. Take the high ground Girl. Were proud of you.

Larry ***
Posted 7/30/2013 2:01 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Larry! And no, it doesn't bother me at all that you are a "man creature". LOL! I am doing much better today. I usually have a hold on these thoughts when they come, but sometimes the wrong thing is said or done, and it spirals out of control.

I managed to calm my thoughts last night, but I was up half the night reading a book that I could not put down! But hey, it cleared my head and made me concentrate on something else. It wasn't able to run around in my head like a little demon. Haha!

I know that forgetting is never going to happen, but with every passing day it does get a little easier to accept.
Like one of my favorite prayers.....

The Serenity Prayer.....God grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference.

I'm grateful that you all are here for support. I really appreciate it!

(((hugs))) Fox
Posted 7/30/2013 3:51 PM (GMT 0)
Great job on 'Feeling the feels'...and then moving on. This is healthy progress!!

We are here for each other anytime, and that is the BEST isn't it?

S.C.
Posted 7/30/2013 4:51 PM (GMT 0)
Foxie, that Prayer is the famous St. Frances Prayer, that part about changing what we can and letting go of what we can't is a
pretty good way to live. Peace

Larry ***
Posted 7/30/2013 8:36 PM (GMT 0)
Foxy Lady,

Hello my friend and I know what you are feeling - my brain is working overtime everyday and I am exhausted but the thoughts will not stay away.

I know I am obsessing about my dx as well as not I have experience PTSD twice in my life so how do I ever get back to home base?  I guess I just have to make changes to go with my feelings and thoughts.

I am in charge of my life and you are the captain of your own ship so sail it well into unchartered territory knowing you will be OK.

Love,

Kitt

 

Posted 7/31/2013 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
Awww! Thank you guys! I have to say, that when I came back to the boards after being gone for so long, it felt like I was "home"!

SC, It IS the best part of belonging to such a tight knit group here. Just knowing you always have someone to turn to in times of need. :)

Kitt, my dear friend, you are going through a lot worse than I am, and here I am complaining about MY life! Your courage and strength make me realize that things could be a lot worse, and I admire you so much for just being being you! Please know, that I will always try to be here for you. You and SC have been with me through ALL of this, and without you two ladies I don't know where I'd be today! I thank GOD for the day I found this site! Y'all have been such a blessing to me!

And Larry, I try to live by that prayer! That one and "Footprints". I actually have part of "Footprints" tattooed on my forearm, so that when I look at it, it's a reminder to me that God was always there to hold me up, and walk with me, during my times of trouble. (The part that says.... "When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.")

I have just recently met you, but you are a very knowledgeable man, and I admire your willingness to help others with your kind words and your sense of humor. Please stay on the boards, I feel you really do put your heart into helping others, just like my friends Kitt and SC do.

I love you all, and I'm very happy to be a member of this forum!

(((hugs))) Fox
Posted 7/31/2013 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
Foxie I have a interesting story about "Footprints" it's amazing and true, may be some day we can all talk, it takes me forever to type anything and i have personally put Spell check in a nursing home! Peace to you and rest.

Larry ***
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