Feeling useless, hopeless...

Even while I'm telling other people that there's always hope - and believe it for them - I've just hit the pits.

It's especially frustrating because I had therapy today and was in a great mood. I laughed and chatted and had my therapist laughing. Now, I'm sitting here alone crying.

I feel like my husband is getting pretty worn out with dealing with me.

Just a couple of weeks ago, he was saying "we vowed through sickness and health, good times and bad, I meant that, I love you, it's okay." Now, he just says, "I'm tired" or he looks at me mean when I ask him about something. Yesterday, leaving the doctor's office, I felt like he was talking "high toned" to me (neither of us yell, like ever).

He's started complaining about stuff like the laundry piling up, me sleeping in daytime too much, etc.

Yesterday, the psychiatrist asked if she needed to talk to him for me and I was like, "No, he's totally supportive!" and when we left, it was like a switch flipped.

I feel two ways about that -

Firstly, I understand. I've been off of work for four weeks, constantly at the doctor, racking up debt like it's going out of style, sitting in our dirty house all day accomplishing nothing, and always a crying mess. I can't imagine how hard I am to deal with. Hearing that this could be permanent and having a third doctor recommend disability (no joke) yesterday has to have overwhelmed him as much as it did me.

Secondly, I'm hurt, insecure and frankly - resentful. I've been doggedly by his side throughout YEARS of his issues with panic and anxiety. We've missed things I really, really wanted to do. It's changed how I interact with everyone I know. I live my life in an entirely different way to adjust for his issues. I literally gave up every plan I had for my own future when I met him. And really, I don't mind all of that. His love is so much better than anything I had planned. Night at an art show opening alone or watching a movie on the couch with him? Movie on the couch, hands down.

I just don't understand why he doesn't want to be here for me. Like, today he said he was tired of "all the running around." He's been to two appointments and one trip to pick up meds for me. I've taken him to the ER for sedation more times than that.

I just don't understand and feel so hurt and confused. I don't even know if he's that aggravated or if it's just my perception.

I've done everything I know to try and support him while he supports me. I've even tried to get him to see my counselor - or any counselor. I even offered to drive him there and sit in the car so he could be sure I couldn't hear what he said.

I need him. He's the only thing I've got that makes me happy. I feel like he's withdrawing from me and I don't know what to do...

This is a tough time for you both...as individuals, and as a couple.

You may need to give eachother some space, as your reserves are likely (and understandably) low for caring for eachother's issues right now.

That is not to say that you don't keep loving and supporting one another...quite the opposite...but you can set and respect boundaries while you both work on yourselves as individuals.

His insensitive comment most likely came out of not understanding the situation fully...and of fear. I am sorry that it was hurtful...I would've felt the same way. I am pretty sure that he did not intend it as it came across though.

Like I said in the other thread...a permanent diagnosis does not mean that your situation in not going to change! You are at a low point right now...but you are just starting out. The dx and the treatment are brand new...and things are not going to stay static. Improvement is going to happen, and it will get easier and better all of the time.

Right now what you don't need is pressure, guilt, doubt, ect...so you may have to choose to compartmentalize the things that make you feel that way for now as best as you can. Focus on getting better...and things will work themselves out. Money, is just, money...it is nothing compared to your wellness.

Love and hugs...it is going to bee allright. You are making all of the right moves, feel confident and have hope.:)

S.C.

I don't have a husband only my mother who too went from being by my side& having my back to Iam tired whats wrong now,and I need to get myself together(like its that easy) and those with PAD know it's not. He is still there and Iam sure love you much,and even when we don't understand why they react the way they do sometimes that just what happen when they don't understand. You sound like you going through same as me where you for a long time have been the more stronger one out of everyone,and when you got to your break point it just got hard for ppl to understand. And my mom told me I was stronger then her whats going on I got to get better she says because she want always be around,even when I don't get her hard love all the way I kinda see where she comes from. I pray the Lord gives him strength in this time&peace&understanding vibes as he stands by your side through the thick&the then&many blessings to the both of you,in this hard trying time you will come out of one day soon we all will.

BeRock,

I read your message on my Caring Bridge and I love you for taking the time to leave words of comfort.

As I read your words I identify  100% with you.  I have a husband whom I love dearly and he is the person I want with me and to help me through all the ups and downs of dealing with the mental health issues and now a whole year of cancer treatments.  He has a nasty temper and he blew up at me again over the weekend. 

I will eventually get past this but I have been in tears since Sunday............he says I bring his anger on myself as I won't stop "nagging" at him, and yes finances were part of what I wanted to talk to him about.

I broke down and called my Pdoc on Monday so now I have another appointment at the clinic on Friday.

My Pdoc mention ECT once but I really feel that taking my meds and going to therapy is all I can handle. 

I have to believe that things will look better soon for you and for me.  I really took a nasty verbal beating from my husband who has never laid a hand on me in anger but has busted up things in the house. Remember, you are one kind and loving person so come here and talk with us.

Sometimes angels sing to you in the wind…  sometimes they call to you from your dreams…  sometimes they walk beside you and whisper in your ear…  wishing you joy, inspiration, and the knowledge that you are truly cared about-today and every day.

I am here for you...............

Love,

Kitt

 

Thank you guys so much!

You are all very precious to me. Your support and comfort mean so much. :) I really do love you!

Dawn & Kitt - I will pray for you guys that more peace comes for you and those you love. It is so hard to feel like your illness (whether physical or psychological) is taking away your power in so many ways. But, when it seems to disrupt LOVE, that's beyond infuriating and heartbreaking.

I stayed up all night last night, in tears. Bad idea my first night on Geodon. Ayway, I took hubby a cup of coffee when the alarm went off and climbed in bed. He wrapped his arms around me and hit the snooze button. That was enough to still my heart for a bit.

If I'm "okay" tomorrow evening (I'm caretaking tomorrow formy best friend, who just underwent a very invasive surgery for cancer - 190+ stitches invasive), I'm going to try and help him understand that he doesn't have the responsibility of "fixing" me. Maybe that will help.

Larry - You will definitely be an element in one of my books. Truly. :) I have around ten chapters of a murder mystery that I was working on before I started having this "little" breakdown. The main character is a girl whose gone through some of the things that you and I have talked about that happened to me. I haven't worked on it in a while, because I feel like my writing ability is rather stunted at the moment. Anyway, that novel has needed another character to round it out. I now know who that character is - she needs an ally, mentor, friend, who is not a direct part of what's going on in the plot. She needs a Larry.

Thank you guys so much! I feel much better today and I appreciate your encouragement greatly.

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. My husband is wonderful, but he gets so frustrated with me because things aren't getting done like they used to. My home was always clean, dinner ready, kids dealt with etc... now It's all kind of gone to crap. He gets annoyed, but I know he loves me, just as your husband loves you. Please know that! Peace to you, Lisa