I can't understand why I'm so terrified of people

Hi Moon,

I know exactly how that feels. My Mother would embarrass me in humiliating ways. There was always a sense of shame surrounding my "transgressions."

To top things off, she and my Dad would "pull tricks" on me when I was a young child, things like hiding from me in department stores,...things like when I would run around in the park chasing butterflies and get lost and couldn't find my family, they wouldn't "rescue" me but rather, they thought it was funny to see me go to the wrong family's tables, -- me, completely freaked out.

My Father even pretended he didn't know me if I embarrassed him in public.

I am now 50, and these things still cross my mind. An adult with my own family, but it still resonates with me.

My last internship review wrote under the comments that I "always appear anxious." I've had what my Dad called a "pinched up face" early on -- pulling my chin up, and furrowing my brows.

It's as if I was waiting to be judged on every single thing I did, and without "someone else's" approval, whatever I did somehow didn't matter. Unless I got it wrong.

Then I learned something that I wish I learned earlier: Pretend you're an actor researching a role...what would someone who has confidence do in this "XYZ" situation? Do it in short spurts. Don't overwhelm.

Look at it like practice. Imagine learning how to drive in a Ferrari? Stick shift. And you have only ever seen a standard transmission car! Yikes! Most of us would be panic stricken. So much at stake.

Well, that's what we're doing. But life's anxieties are about driving beat up cars in the beginning, so we can practice. As we practice, and rehearse, eventually we don't always clip the hedges or run over curbs, we get better. AS we DO get better, we can upgrade our "vehicle."

In this case, crowds, people, or acceptance... So you practice first on people who do not influence you. Go out and pretend-shop at a store for 5 or 10 minutes, set your watch, and walk right back out. No purchase, just act.

Make those dents before you get the Ferrari.

Wow! Such good advice from Merrida and such a good personal examination of yourself. I think you've found the answer to "why." Now, you have to understand that you didn't deserve to be embarrassed - you're just as good as everyone else. We're all flawed, but we're all beautiful.

I have play-pretended my way through certain situations, kinda like Merrida suggested. I didn't just pick "confident person," I would sometimes pick a particular person. I have a LOT of insecurity about my appearance, a slight speech impediment (lisp), and sometimes just a lack of confidence.

In high school, I was elected as an officer for a Church organization with over 1,000 members. During conferences, I regularly had to speak to that group of over 1,000. Now, I'm social, and okay with regular groups of people, but THAT scared me to death. So, in my head, I kinda pretended I was one of my best friends. It felt crazy at the time, but it worked. She's stunningly beautiful, perfectly articulate and confident like nobody's business. So, I would think, "What would Cole say? How would Cole walk onto the stage?" It worked!

My hubby has severe social anxiety. My therapist and I talk about it some. She says that most people who have that issue were made to feel a lot of shame as children. I know that to be true with my hubby.

Do you go to therapy or have you considered it? I'm trying to talk him into it at the moment...

Moon,

Another thought.

When you enter an environment that you think will cause you stress, (ie: freak the right out!)....go in and be quiet, observe, and don't enter the situation or conversations with an agenda. Instead, let other people do the work for you.

Ancient Chinese Secret. (Remember that one? You may be too young!) But anyhoo, Chinese diplomacy is very intricate and political with regards to formality. One thing observed is: Let the other person make the first move. It sets the tone.

So if you go into a crowd, just lurk. Pick a familiar, albeit stress-y type of place, like a store. The same store so you familiarize yourself with it. Ten minute intervals. Just go in and observe. Watch.

Sit on a park bench. Maybe have your lunch every day at a café table, bring a book, but just observe. Sometimes our anxiety has more to do with interacting and freaking out at how we'll be perceived. So instead, be the perceive-ER. Like you're on a secret mission, from (....wait for it,...)....the Moon! Sent here to observe human behavior.

And, well,...that's it. Observe. You don't "have" to interact. The biggest thing that makes it scary is not being familiar. So familiarize yourself without the commitment of involvement. Make sense?



Merrida

PS: I just did this today, and noticed some interesting things I would not have otherwise noticed.

GG is this You!

Love
Larry

Good Morning,

I know I am coming in a bit late on this thread but reading all of the posts just now, my heart felt sad as I also had a stepmom who came into my life when I was 4 years old.  My birth Mom had died when I was just 18 months old.

I was thrilled to have a Mom and Dad but it did not take long for my stepmom to hammer away at me and put me down, called me stupid and would embarrass me in front of Aunts,  Uncles and Cousins by telling them I was a pig and that is why I was fat.  She would tell them how she did her "best" to control my food intake but I would sneak food.................of course to comfort myself I ate more.

The core values you learn in your childhood are carried into your adult years and it took me many years to feel confident and secure as well as recognize I was not "dumb and lazy" as my Stepmother told me.

If you have the feeling that something is missing, that something you need is eluding you so that you can feel secure look inside yourself and find that strong, wonderful, kind and caring person that is hiding right behind the child in you.

Insecurity is rooted in fear – of loss, of not being good enough, of having to depend on oneself. You have shown that you can feel confident and secure. 

You shared with us, "Last week I did two very nice things and I felt confident and very good about myself."  Keep it up and remember you are a special person, learn to love yourself first and the rest will follow.  I am way older than you and I still have to deal with insecurities, practice telling myself I am OK, I am a good Person, and I deserve to be happy.

Take the middle path, WaningMoon, and you will find the peace that resides between the highs and lows of the emotional rollercoaster ride.

Gentle Hugs to you,

Kitt

 

Hi WaningMoon,

I hope you are well! I did read that you'd had an accident. Glad you are ok.

I was reading some of the things you posted here, and some of this reasonates. I don't have the same experiences, I don't think any two people can, but i've been  (Edited a little)

Certain things have struck me. That 'confusion' in facial expression, could have a similar resemblence to annoyance. I've been thinking about this. What I might think to be another persons annoyance with me, might actually be an indictation that the other person is confused. Made me think! (I even looked at my own facial expression in the mirror and realised what I might look like when I'm confused and how this could be interpreted by another as, annoyance.)

I might find it easier to be communicate with another if I thought that they were confusioned, instead of annoyed with me. :)

(Edited a bit here...because I don't think what I put here was true, in this bit)

I'm a mentally strong person, and my opinion is just as valid, I don't need to have a full blown arguement about it, but maybe I can still get my point across and forget about the rest!

I hope this makes sense, that it might help and it's not advice just a few things that I thought about myself.

Post Edited (HappyBean) : 10/9/2013 4:00:13 PM (GMT-6)

Hi WaningMoon :)

It seems difficult for me right now, to create a coherent and true, message :)

I think it is called being over tired :)

So happy that you responded to my comment on your post though, I hope you are having a great day, I might try again (posting) after rest or later, happy days, I hope everything is going well for you today.

WM, I don't think You have the slightest idea just how overpowering you are, You once described yourself as a rather Stunning Statuesque Woman, first the resistance you are getting from other people is because you are rather overwhelming and as tall as you are you probably are looking down from above them, this is intimidating to insecure people and they throw up a resistance toward you that causes you to feel insecure and intimidated. Try to really relax, they are just people, maybe as confused and uncertain as You are, be honest with Yourself, "You are a nice person, be open and friendly, if they choose to come closer let them, don't push yourself or others to like you, they are going to Love you when they get to really know You"! (Have the courage of your Convictions) Enjoy your Future Doll, its going to be Good!

Larry ***