Posted 10/7/2013 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
Back when I was in 6th grade, 8 years ago, first time I can remember, I got the stomach flu. Although I can't remember most things from 6th garde, I can still remember running to the bathroom 5 times, dry heaving over the toilet the last two times. It really wasn't that bad, but what came after has started my anxiety. Before I got the flu I had some minor stomach issues (like gastritous or something, I don't quite remember) that was easily solved by basic peppermint pills. After the flu, I couldn't eat, my stomach rumbled, I was naseaous all the time, and convinced I was going to throw up again. My doctor prescribed Zantac which helped the stomach, but not the sick feeling and constant worry I was going to throw up again. Until high school, 3 years later, I felt sick just about every day. In high school the sick feeling went away, but the anxiety continued. I became obsessed with washing my hands after touching anything somebody with the stomach flu could have touched, hand sanitizer is my best friend, I dread shaking hands, I obsessively check expiration dates, if any food tastes a little funny I'l throw it away, I burn cake, cookies, and meat to make sure it's cooked all the way, I can't stand it when people talk about puking or how the feel sick, if a family member or roommate is sick I hide in my room for a day or two and Lysol everything. It makes me feel bad if I can't be there for people when they're sick. Weirdly, I work as a CNA in a nursing home. I'm a wonderful CNA becuase I love caring for people, but when one of them gets sick I can't stand it (I'll even get panic attacks if I get too close to someone vomiting). I normally do not have a weak stomach, and the other caregivers regularly ask me to do the things they think are gross, like clean up BM, blood, and mucus. But vomit gets me in a way no other bodily fluid can and really it's affecting my life.
I've also always been a little afraid of cancer, MS (because I saw a picture of a guy with MS), STDs (especially AIDS and syphillis because I had to write papers on them in high school--if I have sex I fear I got syphillis more than getting pregnant, even if the guy was a virgin). I was usually able to push these thoughts aside after a week.
I started taking birth control and my anxiety escalated to the point I was shaking and naseaous all the time with fear. I stopped taking it and the worse of the symptoms disappeared but I was still left with an anxiety. Then I had to go back to my junior year of college. I cannot put into words how much I hate going to college. I had no friends, and the only one I did was hardly around and obsessively talked about her boyfriend, which I didn't have one and felt extremely lonely. I was getting Bs and Cs when I wanted to be getting As and Bs so I spent 6-8 hpurs a night (even on weekends) doing homework and studying (this seemed to cause a lot of stress). Basically I just hated it there, and my social anxiety did not help me make friends either.
Anyways, going back for my junior year was scary, being away from family and home for a place where I felt I had nobody. I got there and the first couple days went as good as they can for someone with social anxiety. Then the next day I had a migraine, probably one from stress. I toughed it out for a couple days and was back to normal. Then I got another tension headache and I started worrying, what if I had a brain tumor. So I staeted looking up symptoms on Google, NOT. a good idea for a hypochondriac. Suddenly I was getting a headache every day along with panic attacks. Then my legs started to hurt, crap now I got MS. Check the symptoms online, suddenly my headaches are gone and now I have MS symptoms. It got so bad that 3 weeks into college I moved back home. I was having panic attacks about every other day, I was (and still am) completely obsesssd with symptoms that the only way to get my mind off is exercise and showertime, and now my family is annoyed with me constantly telling them I'm going to die. If I say my leg hurts, they'll ignore it and talk about something else. My mom tells me I don't have anxiety, I just need to pray and get control of my mind again. She, and nobody else, seems to understand what anxiety is like and what it is like to lay in bed and feel like you're dying, even though you know it's irrational.
I know you'ee suppose to go to a doctor and get all physical symtpoms checked out to make sure they are just anxiety, but I'm terrified to go to the doctor. I always say that if I have to go to the doctor, there must be something wrong and that causes even more anxiety. I feel anxious every day, usually about having an illness, or sometimes it's social if I have to go to work or leave the house (shopping used to calm my anxiety but now even that makes it worse). I am constantly moving my legs and feet, even when sitting I feel so restless (and I wonder why I have muscle tension!) My mom blows it off that my thighs hurt sometimes because she thinks I just have back problems (becauss I'm a CNA and roll, turn, change 250 lb rwsidents by myself). My anxiety has become immobilizing, I used to love going out, conversing with co-workers, reading, bike riding, even eating, but now I just want to sit around and look up symptoms or read anxiety forums. I can't stand watching cmmericials because it's breast cancer month so there's those and other disease ones. I hate the ones that list of symptoms or even side effects of a drug I'm not even taking. I hate hearing the word cancer. My friend for 6 years was recently diagnosed with skin cancer and even though I want to, I avoid being around him because what if cancer turns out to be contagious?
I can't make myself go see a doctor or therapist and my family won't either because they think it's stupid and just all in my head. But it's getting worse and sometimes I think I might start feeling depressed again. I really don't know what to do at this point. I'm becomimg terrified of everything.