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6 months into separation - need advice on new normal

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Posted 10/19/2013 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hello friends,

It has been sometime since i posted, i think the last time i posted was to inform that i just recently separated. 6 months into my separation, i want to share the positives, the negatives and the confusing.

on the positives:

the stresses which drove me and my ex-wife (that is still very hard for me to say ex-) to separate are much less, though since we have kids and still have unfinished business, we still have to communicate, mainly thru text messages.. this has also lowered my allergies. I have also generally been able to maintain exercising which definitely helps the mood.

on the negatives:

I have been abusing my body as well. Have been partying hard and yes have to admit that drugs have been a part of it. I think a lot of this is releasing all the pent up anger and rage. I though have, hopefully, reached rock bottom as I partied hard for 1 straight week recently and I felt like absolute hell recovering, yes it ramps up anxiety and negative emotions after, in other words the crash.

on the confusing:

during this time of separation, a lady friend of mine would keep me company every so often, she herself was going thru her own recovery from a failed relationship. She would sleep with me some times but this was by and large just sleepovers.

I have also been in communication with my ex-girlfriend. she was my first girlfriend and even while we broke up we have always been in touch and have maintained a bond. During the first few months of my separation our communication was limited to calls and text messages til about 4 wks ago. She is single and same age as me. She is bi-polar II. when we saw each other something happened. We continued to see each other for about 3 weeks until she left for a vacation a week ago. We knew we were in a very weird and ambiguous situation given that I was newly separated, not yet healed and this just was so unexpected and very intense.

A few days ago, after feeling guilty for not giving her some attention, my lady friend paid me a visit and we hung around, we shared hugs as usual and a little playfulness. NOTHING SEXUAL AT ALL. DIDNT EVEN KISS HER ON THE LIPS. This has been our M.O. for the past months, just hugs and some playfulness. After this, I was hounded by tremendous guilt.

Angst up, guilty and crashed from partying I communicated with my ex-gf basically to relay my lack of readiness for a relationship and about the guilt that i felt over having my lady friend over. She took it quite well and said that it was obvious that I truly wasnt ready for a relationship and suggested that I concentrate on healing myself first and not be with anyone yet as this would just add to my frustration, confusion and delay my healing.

Since then I have been feeling very low and just a general feeling of unworthiness and guilt. I am confused. I have been advised by a good friend to just take baby steps in everything i do which may affect my mental and emotional stability instead of taking big leaps which just make me fall flat on my face.

I intend to see a counselor next week. I am 43 and I need guidance in living a more meaningful life and defining a new normal which I will feel good about.

Thanks for the ear and am kindly asking that no judgment is passed upon me. it has been difficult to open up but this has always been my refuge when i get overwhelmed with the things that am facing.at am facing.
Posted 10/19/2013 4:14 AM (GMT 0)
Grover there is an old saying about a converted "drinker or use another analogy" they are the worst person
to get advice from. Man I have had some hangovers that should be made into a horror movie. I kept getting drunk thinking I was having fun. No bad rap for you, you have already figured it out you will be ok.
The girl thing, I don't know on one hand your still grieving about a lost relationship and I have heard it explained as the same feeling as having someone die, I truly do believe this. The x girlfriend sounds pretty
mature and level headed, and the friend you have over sounds like a life saver. The only advice I can honestly give is try and be non committal for a while and at the same time not hurt any of the Ladies involved. Grover you can Pray about these things, our Creator knows more about it than we ever will. I do
wish You and the Girls, your x and Children the very best, You will be ok! Peace
When it's time to take a mate again, Marry your best Friend!
Larry ***
Posted 10/19/2013 4:58 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much Larry. In this ocean of pain, I am trying not to drag any of them with me. Yes I am still grieving d end of my marriage, while my wife and I didn't see eye to eye for the past 3 yrs., I still love her and there is a part of me that still hopes that we can reconcile. It just seems impossible at this point given all that has transpired between us. I hate the fact that anxiety has stolen my family.
Posted 10/19/2013 9:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi GP.,

I am really sorry to hear about this very difficult time for you and your family.

I know how painful it is to go through this. I also know how it is easy to lose your direction right after the final dissolution of the reationship.

I think that your friend had solid advice as far as taking small steps and not making any huge changes at this time.

Another good measure of whether you should perhaps be making a decision or not is to ask yourself this...is this a good move as a dad?

Your kids are hurting the most in this situation. I say this not to lay a guilt trip on you...it is just a fact. If you are feelig low, instead of seeking to feel better in a way that is not healthy for anyone, why not do something for them instead?

Even if it is not your time with them, maybe you could plan special projects or activities for them when it is. Depending on how old they are, you could write little stories for them or thoughts in journal pages, throughout the week, so that they know you are thinking of them all the time.

This is going to make you feel better than any party or fleeting relationship ever could.:)

Like Larry said, when you find a good companion as a friend, then you will know it may be time to take it to the next level of a relationship.

Right now, focusing on your kids and working through things in your counseling (great job on getting in!) will probably be a good focal point!

I am sending thougts of peace and healing your way. It does get easier. Hang in there and keep posting with us. We understand and care.

S.C.
Posted 10/19/2013 10:41 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad to hear from you and I am going to give you the best advice I can; what you do with it is up to you. smile I have knee jerked more than once in a relationship only to discover I was truly in a tough spot and not ready to make any commitments until I healed from a past relationship.

You have my support and caring. Keep talking with us and believe in yourself.

Kindly,

Kitt
Posted 10/19/2013 10:59 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks SC and Kitt for your candid and always wise advise and always always being caring and non judgmental. I take your words to heart all the time and ponder over it. Love and peace.
Posted 10/19/2013 11:03 PM (GMT 0)
GP,
We have your back as going through a break-up is truly crushing to our self-esteem. Keep telling yourself you are a kind and caring person who is going through a tough time. You will make it through by believing there are many wonderful things in your future.

Remember, you are loved by many.

Hugs,
Kitt
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