Sudden life clarity = Freaking out

The other day I woke up early from a sound sleep and felt like a veil was lifted and all at once I had the most life clarity I've ever had.  And I mean ever,....even back into my 20's and 30's and 40's.

I've filed for Disability after 6 years of not working.  I was in denial as well as pain, thinking this will pass.  But it never did.  I even went to college and it took twice as long as it should have because the whole time I was there, I couldn't remember anything, I got lost every day (it's a small school), I wasn't remembering my classmates' names or my teachers...  When I did an externship, I wasn't recognizing my "co-workers."

I don't remember any of my training.  I mean quite literally, I've forgotten it.  I wouldn't know how to jump into the work again.  I graduated 2-1/2 years ago, so this isn't exactly ancient.

I can remember not being able to remember.

I can remember my bizarre and odd behavior as if it was a bad dream, and I don't understand it, how I could have actually survived.

The other day when I woke up "in clarity," all of a sudden it hit me....the whole "remembering what I forgot" stuff, if that makes sense.  For the past few days I've been completely on top of everything, I can remember dates and  names, and I even don't have to wear my glasses (bi-focals) like I used to.

This is weirding me out.

I feel like I woke up from some type of coma.  I don't know what to do with these feelings.

Also as I'm getting stronger, physically, through PT, I'm freaking out about getting a job when I can't remember my schooling.  I don't understand what happened or what's happening.  It's hard to explain.  But memories are flooding back to me of actions I've either suppressed, denied or forgotten.  This all hit out of nowhere, and I can't explain it, and because I can't, I'm not at ease with it.

M.

EDIT:  Part of the "new understanding," is that only now, after 6 years, did it hit me how hard it's been on my family, my chronic pain, my multiple surgeries, me being out of work, multiple illnesses, not contributing.  The whole time, it never hit me, never dawned on  me, I just sort of plugged along, not realizing the hardship and strain I was imposing. 

Now that I see it, I'm uncomfortable spending money I didn't earn, even if it's to take care of myself.

But to feel only from a few days ago, the burden and weight.

And I also feel confused about feeling like I had blackouts or amnesia.  To be aware of that not being aware has me scared.

I am enjoying the clarity of current, but it came with a price (and logically I know I can't change this), but the price of guilt and shame over years and years of stupid behaviour.   The realization, (only now?) of how incredibly fortunate I've been, and am, and how very much I stand to lose.

I didn't fully realize that before.  So it's that cursed blessing of being aware and suddenly feeling the pain most people would have felt across the years, all hitting me now in one fell swoop.

Make sense?

Thank you for your kind words of support Larry.  I appreciate them so much!

M.

I can see you are hurting as these memories are flooding back to you.  Big deep breaths and slow the memories down.  Let them resurface naturally. Your friends and family love you and you could never be a burden to the people who love you.

Remember, we can never go back in time, we can only be in the now, right now, this minute.  Stress has  been proven to devastate peoples lives and your break through is a blessing so no feelings of guilt.  For  6 years you have been floundering and now you are starting to feel the solid ground beneath you.

"Behind Every Dark Cloud There is a Silver Lining"

Post Edited (lgm1942) : 11/1/2013 8:31:11 PM (GMT-6)

I will continue to caution you to go slowly as all these memories flood your mind. Anxiety often happens when we put too many demands on ourselves, such as trying to make up for the  past when you really don't need to as you were a good person throughout the bad times and you are a good person still.  Time pressure can also heighten anxiety. Go slowly.

Did you purposefully  hurt people with your denial and your ignorance - NO.  The only one that can be hurt by your disorder is you and you have suffered enough. 

Think back to the last time somebody apologized to you about something. Did you forgive them? There is a very good chance that you did. Like Larry said, come on down and sit on the park bench with all of us, it is a big bench and always has room for more humans to join together in caring for one another.

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

Love and hugs,

Kitt

The only thing he's asked of me is to file for Disability,....to bring even a little bit of income into the family.  He, and my family, have asked me to file for years but it was my pride that wouldn't let me.  I was embarrassed.

But now with this new clarity, only now (which is so sad), I disrespected my Husband by choosing NOT to file.  I was more embarrassed to file than I was to live with the money he's earned for us.

I feel guilty (now) using money he's earned.

Six years ago it never dawned on me.  To be honest, I feel like a parasite.  That's why I'm hoping (eventually) this Disability comes through.  I hired my lawyers in May of this year.  I procrastinated.

He's happy just that I filed and has never asked anything else of me, nor has he ever put me down.  But every time I hear how tight money is, I take it personally, as something I did, even though I don't even buy clothes for myself.

I know if even I brought in a small amount, I'd feel so much more peace.

It bothers me to be spending money he's worked for to pay for to pay all of our bills and rent, and now the mortgage on our new home, all by himself.

He's never complained.  As I said it's the whole "getting slammed with years of realization" all at once that I behaved in disrespectful ways, taking for granted that I could sit home in pain, crying, avoiding a doctor and surgery out of fear and let that fear ruin everything.

We don't have children, so I'm not even earning my keep that way.  With my chronic pain there is little I can do around the house, so I have to break it up into chunks and do a little here, a little there, lay down on ice, use heat around my shin/calf to resume circulation,....I don't want to be a drain on such a wonderful Husband.

M.

When memories, shame, guilt, etc., are flooding in....all of it legitimate (meaning:  I spent years not showing appreciation or thanks, and years avoiding biting the bullet)....I acknowledge the progress I've made (even though I filed in May, and not because I wanted to at that, but because he spent years patiently asking me to, gently encouraging me)...obviously before my recent clarity.

Now everything seems so obvious.

So how do I go slow?  Do you have any advice on what that is, what it looks or feels like?  I don't think I can turn the tap and slow down the rain of memories, but I sense you mean "slow down" in how I process them?

Can you please offer me some advice on what that means and how to do it?

Since "The Event," I've been doing my best to (please forgive if this doesn't sound politically correct, but it's who I am),...to do my wifely duties (by that I mean the things a housewife would do in taking care of the house, only spending money as it relates to me getting better and not for "fun", making the effort to show, not just tell, my Husband how much I Love him and appreciate all he's done and keeps doing, for being so supportive).

He doesn't like it when I verbalize these things, it makes him uncomfortable because as he's told me for years, I'm his Wife, he's my Husband, and this is what we do.

I fear if anything happened to him, there's no way on Earth I could support us and take care of us anymore.

What is "taking it slow" and what does it look like?

And I'll never stop thanking you guys.  This feels, to me, like a life changing experience, one I've only shared here on HW.  I don't want to overwhelm those of you reaching out and helping me and risk pushing you away.

One of the biggest ways I feel I can "show" him thanks is taking better care of myself, which I am doing in spades.  Even though I feel guilty spending his money,...I want to do this now, as much as possible, before I can't.  He's a gem and I'm so fortunate to have him as my Hubby!

Thank you a bazillion times over!

M.