What To Do

I think with all the pain&hurt Ive been through&dealing with anxiety&the anger it brings&a ex that I did love&adore that I put my trust in&he turn around& took what I had left,I don't think I have anything else to give but anger&no trust and thats not healthy at all. Iam now with someone that I feel is a last hope for love but do I even desire love, here lately Ive been nothing but mean to him&do my best to push him away& truth be told I can't stand to look at him&he is no where near a ugly man I think I just see the past in him still&him telling me he change but he hasn't&yet again lied to me. Iam looking at the small&big things when it come to him because he brought so much hurt,I feel I owe him nothing&he owe me everything showing&actions I just think I maybe better off by myself I now feel like the mental abuser doing the abuse I don't want to be this way. I promise times like this I wish I could go to africa,and egypt to go into the wilderness&live and hear nothing but nature Iam searching for a peace that no one will understand but me.