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Anxiety for others? Lack of control?

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Posted 2/10/2014 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Good afternoon, community! I hope your weather is nicer than it is here.

I understand that many individuals have anxiety that focuses on their health or a fear of death. I have only recently come to realize that my anxiety revolves around other people and how I cannot control their actions. I know how controlling that sounds. I promise I'm not trying to control them, I just obsess over how I can't. I have seen so much avoidable nastiness go down if only someone flip-flopping LISTENED to me and didn't do what they did. I also have an intense fear of awkward situations (that I usually manage to squish down). Those come up a lot in college.

The most recent spike came when a housemate brought him a boy and I was not warned or informed about him. Is he a new boyfriend? Is he a friend? What was he doing there? He was hanging out after I went to bed and then I was jolted out of a very deep sleep by sudden laughter. Whew! Got my heart going and all the stress hormones pumping like you wouldn't believe. I'm going to have a reasonable, democratic discussions about guest protocol with all of the housemates.

As my dad says, "Sweetheart, you're a control freak." Thank you, sirrah.


How have any of you managed this kind of anxiety when it is so perfectly out of our control?

(I manage my anxiety through my lifestyle, and this is seriously cramping it)
Posted 2/10/2014 6:54 PM (GMT 0)
Oh yeah. Social anxiety. Control, or lack-there-of. Sometimes I worry so much about what other people are thinking, I neglect the most important aspect, which is really, "What am I thinking? What am I doing?"

I can be told a bazillion times how we cannot control the actions/opinions of others, --we can only control our own actions, our own thoughts....

I've managed to work through this with some people,....people I sit down with and discuss in advance what behaviour is a trigger, and why. And those who care enough, and are compassionate enough, will work with me, and in exchange, it affects how much more positively I react to them, individually, and others around.

But I'm not always so fortunate. Most of the time, it really does boil down to how we simply must accept we can't control others,....and figure out why we feel we need to. We can either be direct, and ask people to please do this or refrain from that. But the end decision is theirs.

The decision that is ours has to do with how we elect to process and perceive it.

I'm still really, really working on this one too. Big time. A whole lot. Bunches even.

Same boat,....different oar.



M.
Posted 2/10/2014 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
The best advice I have ever received re trying to control things and save the world came from my Psychiatrist was, "Walk Away".  It is not my job to save the world or try to change another person's behavior.

As you release your need to only see things in the way that you have seen them before, you open up new possibilities. Rigidity of thought fosters predictability which does help keep anxiety at bay. With new stress management tools to deal with anxiety and uncertainty, life becomes more exciting. Choices and alternatives increase--there will be more adventures in your life.

As you let go of your need to control others, you have more energy to spend on things that are really important. It is a heavy, consuming job to be in charge of everything! You actually become more powerful when you learn to share the power! Life is more fun when you no longer are in charge of making things right in the world!

I wish you well,

Kitt

Posted 2/10/2014 11:56 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your kind advice!

I had a very short, good discussion with my housemates and the issue has been cleared up to everyone's satisfaction, so I have hopes. They're really all incredible people. We can be friends *and* they pay rent on time and everyone takes care of whoever's sick that week. I've heard so many horror stories about college roomies, but I seem to have struck gold and I must keep that in mind.


Merrida, it's wonderful that you have people in your life who are understanding. My roommates are aware of and respect the fact that my brain has certain requirements or else everything goes haywire (they were present for my Lexapro days--it's a miracle we're even friends). I'm surrounded by panic-inducers nearly 'round the clock. Nail-biting and drunken shenanigans and just...ugh! College students. I hope you are successful in your endeavor!

Kitt, that's a very wise point. It's not my job to save the world, but I make it so and that's not good. A lot of my curricula today focuses on group projects and "leadership experience" where it IS my job to get things done because no one else does or cares. I think too often it makes me feel like I'm bailing a rowboat that's taking on more water than I can get rid of. I wonder if the administration knows how much stress it puts on some students when they chain them to the careless. More emphasis on personal responsibility instead of responsibility for others? But that's not exactly the answer, either.


Thank you,


Hadricat
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