Daughter with escalating anxiety at school

Lacey,

I am so sorry to hear of what both you and your daughter are going through. I can recall having anxiety attacks before I even entered Kindergarten, so this thing we call AP does not discriminate.

How long has she been separated from the cousin, and were the circumstances of that separation dramatic or traumatic, per se? (From your view as an adult, and from the perspective of your 9 year old daughter,--both are very valid).

It's beneficial to know she has been talking to her Guidance Counselor for a few months. (Some won't even do that, so she gets extra credit and gold stars for that). If I may, and with all due respect,...(just my personal opinion),...while I would be very proud of her for seeing her Guidance Counselor on a regular basis, for a few months at that,...I would exercise caution in how I approached her (your daughter) so that she doesn't get "over praised" for it, making her feel like reaching out to talk to someone about her feelings is such an unusual and unfamiliar act that it calls for all sorts of extra hoopla thrown into the mix. But calmly expressing pride is great. I think it's important she accepts that it's not only okay, but normal, to need to talk.

When her Guidance Counselor finally got your correct phone number, as you stated, and you were able to talk, what light was she able to shed on your daughter's experiences?

I know that as a mom, it's tough to see your child, (probably especially being your first born), go through anxiety. No one wants to go through it, no one expects anyone, especially a child, "should" go through these things. But if you cannot accept it, as her mom, how can she?

She will pick her cues up from how you deal (with both your anxiety, and how you are around her when she is having it). I sure did. (Remember, this is just my personal experience,...just sharing).

When I would get anxiety attacks, I would have chest pain, obsess about my heart (I remember the "heart" thing didn't start until first grade, but the rest of these symptoms presented when I was younger than that). My body would tremble and shake, I would lose my appetite, feel very spacy, I'd hyperventilate,....

As I got older, I became very reclusive, lost self-confidence, was overly shy and sensitive, I'd cry if anybody looked at me funny, called me names, made fun of me,...any way that I didn't "fit in" with the "in crowd" was grounds for a panic attack.

At this point, I'm not even in middle school yet...

Now, this is what I wanted to share with you. My birth Mother was vigilant, since my earliest memory, of making sure I was properly seen by my pediatrician routinely, had my shots, physicals, everything from my teeth to my eyes, were extremely well covered, up to date, --with everything being checked out to make sure, physically, I was fine...

Having made sure I had comprehensive health clearances, (which is my way of emphasizing the importance of making sure your daughter has had her routine physicals and gets her health clearance), my birth Mother did something that only looking back now, I see may have contributed to dragging out my ability to take care of myself. She constantly worried, she constantly bailed me out, she was extremely emotional around me, expressing her concern, always taking me out of school every time I called when I wasn't "feeling well."

I understand there's a fine line between making sure you are being a responsible parent taking responsible care of your children,....and over-focusing on something, (anything) to the point where they pick up on your anxiety over them, making them even more symptomatic. (I would get my "clean bill of health" and every time I had a funny hiccup, strange pain, emotional outburst,...it was straight to the doctors, where, at that tender age, when moms go in too, the intense concern and worry in her voice just fed my already nervous disposition).

In her desire to "protect me" from feeling anxious, or sad, or grief, or how to work through and figure out solutions to my own problems so that I could grow up with self-confidence, what she actually did was protect me from LIFE, and in a sense,...from being able to experience living as a child.

The other thing is,...could this be hormonal? Young girls are starting their periods earlier and earlier, it seems to me, compared to when my generation was growing up. Before this hits, there's that hyper awareness of body image, fitting in, looking just right, being super-critical of yourself, anything different or out of place is perceived as a severe flaw worthy of being ostracized from your peers.

As parents, we don't want to think of our little girls growing up, -- it's a tough pill to swallow. Mine went overboard when I started my period, and yet again, made things worse for me, rather than teaching me what is natural, fine, "normal," and simply that it's okay to just be me!



M.



REASON FOR EDIT:....Really? With a post this long, my own eyeballs weren't sure my own fingertips were writing what my own brain really meant, and did it proper! :)