Down, down, down

This month has not been so good. My anxiety flared up so had to switch ADs. then I got a cold with allergy on top of it. Mom's been extra sick for over a week now. I'm worried sick about her, but that's about all i can do is worry. Now my hiatal hernia is bothering me a lot. It hurts to take a deep breath and I feel like someone has punched me in the chest. It is so sore. As I type this, I hear mom coughing in a deep thick cough. I feel like my heart is in a hamburger grinder.
I'm fixing to go to my NP for a follow-up on the new AD at 3:00 pm.
For me, my home has become a crypt and it's so gloomy here, but no matter what I do or where I go, the feelings are still with me, so I can't escape it.
Between my faith and my meds, I'm hanging on though. And I thank everyone here for listening to me...it means a lot.
janet

JL,

You know that I've also got your back, little sister. Kitt always and forever has the best advice, so she's always teaching all of us, (even in those posts to others).

Have you ever watched the movie "Monsters, Inc.?" I'll suppose that you have (or else my post won't make any sense!)....if you remember the scene where Sully is packing all of Boo's "human world" toys and such into a locker, stuffing it in, packed to capacity, but the locker isn't having anything to do with helping Sully out by actually closing! Stuff's still falling out, but Sully, thinking he's hidden the "toxic stuff" from the Human World, turns around to walk away,....and there, hanging right onto his back, as comfortable as can be,....is Boo, the little girl!

Sometimes I think anxiety can be a bit like that. We're afraid of the unknown, we assign various values on these scary items, and even try to stuff all of them into a locker, hoping we can shut the door and we'll save ourselves from these scary things.

But the things eventually fall out, and the "owner" of the cause of these spooky items turns out to be the little girl herself who is riding Sully's back, giggling, having fun and getting a kick out of how distracted, unusual, and frantic Sully is behaving,...all because of her. She has the power,...her and whatever little items got sneaked in with her, also being assigned a source of something to panic about.

Where am I going with this, you may ask? (Go ahead. Ask me. Really, go on, ask!) I'll tell you! The anxiety monster is hanging onto our backs, and laughing at us for giving it the power we do,....and, I might add,....as was discovered further along in the movie,....this little monster isn't really the enemy.

It's the fear of fear, the fear of those "what if's" and scary, unpredictable moments. The fears that we feel, what if someone else, someone 'normal,' finds out about us!?

Anxiety itself is comprised of sensations, and learning to make peace with our anxiety, accepting it and learning about it, it's purpose, remembering that while it stops to visit us, it does eventually go back home!

Calling a truce with anxiety....co-existing with this something-or-other realistically, and not trying to demolish a perfectly natural,-- although occasionally quite annoying,--sibling named anxiety.



M.

PS-I got really upset with the nurse! I told her before she weighed me that I do NOT want to know what I weigh! She says "okay" and as soon as we sit down, she tells me my weight!!!! I do NOT litrying to lose weight and I obsess over numbers!!! If I lose 5 lbs, I'm upset it wasn't 7 or 8 and if I didn't lose any weight, I get scared that I never will and if I've gained, I'm really upset! I had lost weight thankfully, but that wasn't the point!
jl