My Story....

I haven't really "told" my story here yet, and I've been around for a little bit, so I guess it's time I tell you all how/what has happened to me.

Nov 1st, 2013... I woke up with a stomach bug and figured no big deal it will go away. Monday it hadn't gone, so I went to the dr. This was MY mistake. I normally don't say this about dr's, but this dr has caused me such grief and pain that I can't even begin to tell you what I want to do to him. So I go in to see this urgent care doctor to make sure it is just a stomach bug and not the flu or pneumonia. His first words without any tests or diagnostics was "You have LUNG CANCER". I was mortified. I left the dr crying and my anxiety which used to not exist was now THROUGH THE ROOF! For the next two weeks, I did nothing but research about lung cancer, which by the way, Dr Google is nice, but it doesn't help much when you have health anxiety. Especially when you type in fever and headache and you get meningitus. Anyways, for two weeks, I lived off of p&b sandwiches and ensure drinks. Finally got in to see a GI dr, as I was having severe pain under my right rib, around my right side, into my shoulder blades. Which is atypical of gallbladder issues. The GI dr ran ct scan of my abdomen/pelvis which came back clean. Then they did an upper endoscopy and it came back with mild esophagitis and mild gastritis. Put me on omeprazole (acid reflux med). I was two weeks later admitted into the hospital with a severe case of bacterial upper respiratory infection and was severely dehydrated. That was on a Wednesday, Jan 8th. After receiving 3 days of antibiotics, my appetite had again returned and I was starting to feel better except for that right side pain. My GI dr visited and wanted to do a colonoscopy on Sunday and if it came back clean, out my gallbladder would come. Of course it came back clean, and Monday Jan 13th, out came my gallbladder. I came home on Wednesday and was eating everything I wanted to eat with no problems, then out of no where, POOF, my appetite went bye bye. After basically not being able to eat for 2 weeks, I went to the ER and was admitted via the ER due to "failure to thrive". Since my health anxiety was about my well being, once I was admitted into the hospital, miraculously my appetite came back and I began putting my weight back on. Then I did a nuclear stress test and another endoscopy. Both passed flying colors. While in the hospital, I was visited by a psychiatrist who got a brief history and diagnosed me with depression and health anxiety. In the last four months, my job closed down, my wife and I have lost TWO babies to miscarriages, we lost our house and had to move, and we are barely living paycheck to paycheck as it is now with three kids. I can't park my car without making sure I have enough gas to get to the hospital or I freak out. Every pain, twitch, jerk, anything that is "not normal" body feelings sends my mind into a frenzy thinking something is wrong. Then I was informed this past friday my father has soft tissue sarcoma. So we can add that to the fuel for the fire. Needless to say, I have been put on Remeron/Mirtzapine 30mgs at night to be able to sleep and to stimulate my appetite (appetite stimulation works some nights but not others), I am also on Librax (which has Librium in it 2.5mgs which is sometimes prescribed for anxiety), and I have Ativan that I take for "those moments" at 0.25mgs, except I hate taking it, because when I do, it knocks me plum out for a couple hours. I am also seeing a therapist weekly which is helping a little, but not as much as I had hoped. To go from a perfectly healthy 40 yr old man to a crying, debilitated whithering away to nothing in just four months has been one of the worst experiences in my life. I pray it gets better, but only time will tell. But I look at the bright side, I am too scared of death to do anything stupid lol.

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Diagnosed - Health Anxiety and Depression Jan '14
Rx - Remeron 30mgs 1x daily
Librax - 5-2.5mgs 3x's daily
Ativan - 0.25mgs as needed

Hey S.C. :)

I actually am working with a lawyer as the Dr was dumb enough to put it in my medical chart and didn't run any diagnostics to rule it out. He has also been reported to the board. It wasn't an ER dr that told me this, rather it was an urgent care facility type place. I have made SOME progress but it really put me so far into the ground that there is a HUGE mountain that I have to climb I think to get to the top and get over this. I have beaten it before and went 15 years anxiety free. SO I am hopeful, I'll be triumphant again. Grant it the circumstances this time are quite a bit more profound then last time, but things are VERY slowly turning a bit toward the good. If I could just get my GI dr's to run the stupid tests to double check to make sure that all my GI issues are in fact just motility or functionality instead of just handing me a different pill every 2 weeks to try I would feel alot better. The other issue is my heart, I have those thoughts there is something wrong with my heart and I know nuclear stress tests aren't very reliable unless you already have a significant blockage. So if my GI dr would get on board and run the tests I asked him to just to MAKE SURE, and my regular dr would let me do either a cardiac MRI or at the worst case a cardiac cath, then I think my health anxiety would greatly diminish. I also am scheduled in the near future for a sleep study as I wake up pretty consistently gasping for air, especially with the meds I'm on that are all very sedative.

My repor with my therapist is great! He is young, not very experienced, but he is a Christian counselor and I am a firm believer in God, so he doesn't try and denounce the religious aspects of my mind and psyche. I am happy I have found HW, it does help tremendously to talk with folks that actually UNDERSTAND what you are going through. I actually have been texting/talking with one of the other members here and it has helped a great deal. They have since went into an Anxiety/Stress place to try and get theirs under control and I am hopeful this will work for her, she deserves to be anxiety free, just like the rest of us. I am actually looking into possibly doing that myself if this doesn't start to turn upwards a little faster than it is now, and I'm hoping I don't have to do that, but if that is what it takes, then I'm all for it. I can't continue to live like this and don't want to live like this, and I'll do whatever it takes to get better. Like most/all of you, I have a family to take care of, and four months, while to some of you doesn't seem very long, it has felt like a LIFETIME to me.

Chad,

I have read your story more than once and my heart goes out to you and your family.  Just to recap a few of your stresses: "  In the last four months, my job closed down, my wife and I have lost TWO babies to miscarriages, we lost our house and had to move, and we are barely living paycheck to paycheck as it is now with three kids." You have had a series of events converge simultaneously.

You have justifiable reasons for caving in and now we need to help you live through the rough times.

I suspect by this time you have asked yourself over and over - "Why Me?", What have I done to deserve all of these problems?"

Have you tried meditation? You could do a meditation to clear negative energy/thoughts. If you have trouble focusing, light a candle. Imagine yourself surrounded in bright light. That light is calm, peace... As you inhale, imagine breathing in that light. Feel that calm and peace fill you up. You might feel warmth in your body. As you exhale, imagine yourself blowing out thick black smoke. This smoke is all the negative energy and thoughts you're carrying around. Continue breathing in the bright calming light and exhaling the thick black smoke until you feel calm and more centered. When done, slowly bring your attention back to your surroundings, extinguish the candle, and continue with your day.

Meditation, journaling and CBT help me.  Talk with your therapist about learning these practices.  I am thrilled to know your therapist is a great one.

As you are taking Remeron I am wondering if your Dr. mentioned adding a mood stabilizer to your medications. Just a thought as I am on a cocktail of medications that work together.

You may email me if you want info re my meds which of course work for me and I am not a Dr. so these are just my own experiences.

I wish you peace,

Kitt