Hello Leslie,I am sorry to read of your problems and what I am about to post is not meant as me telling you what to do so much as providing you with info on how life can feel so bad under your circumstances.
It is often very hard to end a love relationship even when you know it is bad for you. A “bad” relationship is not the kind that is going through the usual periods of disagreement and disenchantment that are inevitable when two separate people come together. A bad relationship is one that involves continual frustration; the relationship seems to have potential but that potential is always just out of reach. In fact, the attachment in such relationships is to someone who is “unattainable” in the sense that he is committed to something else - alcohol and drugs.
Bad relationships are chronically lacking in what one or both partners need. Such relationships can destroy self-esteem and prevent those involved from moving on in their careers or personal lives. They are often fertile breeding grounds for loneliness, rage, and despair.
In bad relationships the two partners are often on such different wave-lengths that there is little common ground, little significant communication, and little enjoyment of each other.
Remaining in a bad relationship not only causes continual stress but may even be physically harmful. The tensions and chemical changes caused by the constant stress can drain energy and lower resistance to physical illness.
In such relationships, individuals are robbed of several essential freedoms; the freedom to be their best selves in the relationship, the freedom to love the other person through choice rather than through dependency, and the freedom to leave a situation that is destructive.
Despite the pain of these relationships, many rational and practical people find that they are unable to leave, even though they know the relationship is bad for them. One part of them wants out but a seemingly stronger part refuses or feels helpless to take any action. Reference: U of IL
I would kindly suggest you make an appointment to see a therapist just for you so you have someone to talk to and share your feelings with.
You have left twice before so you have proven you can do this if it is your decision. Also consider what your relationship is doing to your daughter as children are very sensitive to the atmosphere in a stressful home setting.
Give yourself permission to take care of you and your daughter but set your standards to the level that you feel will make you both safe and comfortable.
Kindly,
Kitt