How to help anxious kid?

Hi everyone,

I have a job babysitting two kids. One of them is a 9 year old girl who I'll call Amy. I would like some advice on how to help her.

Amy constantly complains that her stomach and head hurt. She also tells me that she has trouble sleeping at night because "her head hurts" (and she indicates all across her forehead). She says that she feels "sicker" when she goes to school. She often wants to stay home sick from school - and sometimes she does, even when she's not got a bug or anything.

I have noticed that she has some tendencies towards perfectionism and people-pleasing, which I think may be playing a role in this. She is keen to do everything right the first time, both to get correct answers in school and to do things that will make others like her. She is a good, well-behaved kid as a result, but I am concerned for her wellbeing. She reminds me so much of myself when I was younger, and I know that my anxiety issues escalated into more serious health problems before I learned to deal with anxiety better. I wish with all my heart to prevent this from happening to her.

I've tried giving her some advice - but I think it was a bit above her head. Her parents just tell her things like, "you're not really sick", "it's just in your head", "just don't stress about school", but those comments are not helpful to her at all. She tells me, with tears in her eyes, "my parents just think I'm pretending, they think I'm not really sick". I explained to her that I have been through similar things, that I understand and believe that she's telling the truth. I also told her that anxiety causes real physical symptoms that do make things harder. I said that her parents think she isn't sick because she doesn't have anything contagious or anything that's destroying her body.

What is happening in the world that a 9-year-old experiences anxiety over going to school?? I had anxiety growing up, but that resulted from a bad home life, and school was a refuge for me. I don't know how to help with school anxiety, and I don't know how to simplify CBT for a 9-year-old.

Please give me advice on how to her help Amy deal with school/performance anxiety.

Amy sounds exactly like how I was since I started first grade. The only difference is that I truly was a sick child (I had a lot of health issues,...still do, but regardless). Even when they weren't "the problem," I would constantly be raising my hand in school telling the teacher I didn't feel very well, and end up in the Nurse's office, phoning my Mother to pick me up, having panic attacks,....

I went through this when I was much younger than Amy and it continued until I hit High School, went away, then resumed when I was in college.

As vitaka pointed out, not being the parent of Amy, you have little power to do anything....but assist.

My Mother would say the same things to me, trying to downplay how I felt, tell me I was "acting" and that I was "just imagining" all these things. Truthfully, these rough responses just made everything worse. She would use language directed towards me, and speaking to the doctor about me, that was not helpful in the least, and did not help empower me.

Definitely self-esteem is an issue.

I was also the same way about being a perfectionist....having to get things right the first time,....a people pleaser....and afraid to upset anybody (so I'd constantly put myself last....I often still do).

I hope she gets some help and proper support while she's young because I can attest to how damaging this can be.

I'm currently 51 and I still have not "recovered" from the damage those experiences had on my life. I still feel anger towards my Mother....and sadly, she still holds that position with me.

Good luck to you. I think vitaka gave some excellent advice. Let us know if anything changes!





M.