Hello!
I just thought I'd write here again. I'm worried again. There is a whole side to me, that some people know nothing about, I feel I am constantly going to be looking over my shoulder.
Had a lovely conversation with a family member, as always, except is something is wrong, that I 'can' talk about, I tell family members, everything is fine, bring up the good things, etc.
Then I got off the phone today, granted, I managed to watch tv, something fun. Then I checked a few things, read a few things here and elsewhere, then I'm back again, looking up counsellors in the local area, maybe I have actually become aware of how often I am doing this. Sometimes it's easy to just get used to something, and not even realise.
I'm seeing someone next week again anyway, who is associated with a GP surgery, but I am sometimes at a loss as to what I am achieving from all of this. Since 2007, I've seen 3 different counsellors, 1 for maybe a year or more, another for 6 months to a year, and again someone else for about a year, and it's not achieving much.
I actually know what most of my problems are, and some of it is, no problems at all.
Did a random thing at the weekend, going out, and I saw someone who I am acquaintances with, this person I thought might be interested in seeing me, you know, I had something in my head, 'we could be a couple' I think the person likes me, but it didn't lead to any 'rescuing' of me, like the imagined little scenerio in my head.
I felt really guilty coming off the phone to a family member, and they mentioned they had bumped into someone, and often as soon as those closest to me say that, I suddenly think, oh no, who did them bump into, what did they find out.
Family do not know of all the difficulties I've had since 2007 and have no idea, and I'd like it to stay that way, but if I could make it go away, and wish some of it had never happened. I wish I'd been able to just be logical and comfortable enough to be able to just lead a happy, content life, and be logical and sound more often than not.
I'm probably just going to carry on as usual, but might enrol in more courses or something, and just keep level headed until I get to be content enough.
I could easily, also, just be posting in a years time, saying how wonderful everything is.
By the way, please don't see this as defeatist post, I would not want to impact on other peoples happiness, it's just we all need to talk to someone sometimes, so I have come here.
Best Wishes
HB