Posted 8/23/2014 1:06 AM (GMT 0)
If it isn't one thing, it's another.
I feel guilty for complaining, knowing that there are so many people in this world suffering many times worse than me...yet here I am anyway...complaining.
I read the other day how 100,000 elephants have been killed in just a three year period (2010-2012), according to the National Geographic. That depressed me a lot. Then when I read that someone is considering something that breaks my heart, well, that's hard.
I called my baby niece last week, asking her to call me and give me her new address as I had something to send her. (She and her hubby recently sold their house and are moving into another one they've bought in the same town. She left me a message through her Mom to not send her any more mail to the old address now, instead of calling me herself.) I haven't heard back from her at all. Don't get me wrong. I know she's busy right now with the moving and all, but it only takes a minute to call and give me the new address and besides that, if you send mail to an old address, it is forwarded to the new. So what was the big deal in the first place?
Mom and I were real convenient and useful to her before she got married when there was no place to go and nothing else to do or she needed to save her money to eat out with her friends. Now it's like I'm practically forgotten. I was always buying her stuff she loved and spoiling her all the time. Now, I'm just sad.
Y'all might think that I'm being silly b/c I do not take into consideration that she's married now and busy, etc. I do. But I was always her special auntie. I always strived with all my being to be a super great aunt b/c I never got to have children b/c of my anxiety problems. I don't know. Maybe I am silly. Maybe I'm incapable of having anyone love me so much except for my mom. I just know I really tried so hard.
I go back to my NP on Wednesday. The 60mg of prozac has definitely helped, but I never have gotten to the level of where I was with the Paxil or the Zoloft. Maybe it's b/c I'm getting older.
I do not enjoy anything much any more. Most everything has become rote.
I do not want to talk about it with a therapist b/c all that ever accomplished was making me worse, for the most part. It was like digging at sores and opening up scars.
I know there's nothing that no one can do, but you are nice to let me vent! I have been dealing with these problems pretty much all my life. They began to be apparent when I was 17 years old and had a PA and couldn't go back to my first job. I figured I'd find a nice guy and be a stay-at-home mom and that would take care of that problem! HA!! Maybe a year later, I was watching a TV commercial showing a bride's mother who had a stress headache. It was an ad for some pain reliever. I had another PA and KNEW that I would NEVER be able to marry! of course, it didn't matter b/c no one had ever wanted me anyway and I was never around many guys either, so.............come the early 90's, through a series of events, I applied for SSI, ended up going to a mental health clinic, and came down with seriously severe clinical depression and GAD with PAs. So by the time all was said and done, I was "set in stone". I could not get over or past my "walls". The meds eventually helped me to not be constantly anxious all the time and the clinical depression got better.
But I never married, had kids, or left home. Although I am a 50 year old adult, I am also a teenager on one level, a child on another, and feel like a very very old woman now. In some ways I've never grown up and in other ways, I've had to be "everything" needed for my mom.
So okay....I've rambled and moaned and groaned now. You can't fix me. Many have tried!!! But to be honest, I am not willing to do some of the things I'd have to do to "get better". Sometimes the price is just TOO HIGH. I can not be happy if I feel I'm making someone else sad. On top of that, I'm just to scared anyhow.
Sorry everybody. I should've deleted this, but sometimes, I just need an arm around my shoulder, so to speak. A few days ago, I was feeling sad and I started to talk to my mom about it and she got clearly agitated and said "Oh no, JANET! NOT THIS AGAIN!!!" So I just played it off as being something a little different than my emotions and she was relieved. I, on the other hand, was left feeling hurt, alone, and empty. But I understood.
jl