Book re: "Toxic Mothers"

I had session #5 I think it was. (Forgive me if I'm losing count) with my wonderful new therapist to work through my "mother" issues. Thursday I had to (again) bring in a pic of my "mother".

So anyway,....he said I could even put the pic in an envelope and seal it. The "point" of this therapy is to be able to talk while "she" is present.

I chose no envelope. Picture's in the open. I'm going for broke ladies and gentlemen.

We sandwich our sessions always,....start out happy,....discuss my "mother" problems,....and finish by talking about my dog (which is, for me a form of therapy).

He felt like we made a breakthrough because the term "anger" is an umbrella term for a whole lot of other things going on. He had me think more like a child when this was going on, as opposed to using the mind of an adult to have an objective, even subjective, view.

After all was said and done, he did his disclaimer about how having never met my "mother" it would be unethical for him to ever try to dx her and all that (and so forth and so on), but he did recommend (with caution) that I consider reading a book.


The name of the book is: Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship .....


It actually describes mothers similar to Joan Crawford. When he said that, I think my face melted because I told her that that is a LOT like how my "mother" would be: The presence in public was such a lie to the real life things she did and how she treated me, and that one time I actually called her "Mommy Dearest" (and she smacked me for that one).


So again, he made it clear, he isn't dx'ing HER, but he thinks this book may help to broaden my horizons about unstable mother-daughter relationships, how/why they manifest. Not to excuse her behaviour but to help me understand.


Okay, so next paycheck, that's on my list.



I know I'm not the only one here with toxic "mother" issues, so I thought I'd throw that out there.

We've bumped up my therapy to twice a week. So this should be interesting. I have hope.











M.

M.,

Keep up the good and very difficult work. I am proud of you, and know you have the strength to do this.

(good book recommendation for many I am sure!)

S.C.

Deborah,

That's why I'm in therapy. There's a whole, whole lot more to it than that, but this foray into therapy is exclusively to deal with my "mother" issues.

Abuse in many areas, unpredictable, cold and distant, not maternal (but she's very maternal with her nephews and nieces and THEIR kids,....more than she EVER was with me,....ever!)

I refuse to even deal with her. Every now and again, the stronger I feel myself getting, yeah, a part of me (now that I AM stronger), sure I'd like to have a talk with her because there are things I would like to ask and say to her.

Things that 2 years ago I wouldn't dare have questioned.

I always felt (stupidly) very protective of her because heck, she's my "mother," isn't that the way it's supposed to be. But she's hurt me and burned me and turned her back on me and punished me and pushed me away.....all my "protective instincts" were unfounded and for naught and ill-reasoned and ill-justified.

I can say with conviction that IF (and that's a very, very huge "IF") we were to ever see each other in person again, there's no way on God's green Earth that she could get away with treating me the way she did prior. I would not let things slide or ignore them like I have in the past.

In over 20 years we've spoken a handful of times. If that? I thought when I got my cancer dx (she came to visit me for 2 whole hours after years of nothing, said a lot of empty words),...then never returned any of my calls or emails (and oh yeah, she and her ex filed 2 law suits against me and Hubby).

There's too much turmoil and animosity and poison and vitriolic, festering attitudes,....

But my "comfort" comes from (and I haven't even read the book yet) that she could never get away with making me feel as inadequate and wrong as she did my entire life up until 2 years ago...or more recently, in particular, up until a few months ago.











M.

How old is your mother if I may ask? I'm finding it harder to deal with my 72yr old mother now that shes older she uses it to manipulate me and make me feel guilty. I have a lot on my plate taking care of my handicapped son and all my life I have taken care of my mothers emotions, I can't do it anymore.

Merrida said...
Deborah,

That's why I'm in therapy. There's a whole, whole lot more to it than that, but this foray into therapy is exclusively to deal with my "mother" issues.

Abuse in many areas, unpredictable, cold and distant, not maternal (but she's very maternal with her nephews and nieces and THEIR kids,....more than she EVER was with me,....ever!)

I refuse to even deal with her. Every now and again, the stronger I feel myself getting, yeah, a part of me (now that I AM stronger), sure I'd like to have a talk with her because there are things I would like to ask and say to her.

Things that 2 years ago I wouldn't dare have questioned.

I always felt (stupidly) very protective of her because heck, she's my "mother," isn't that the way it's supposed to be. But she's hurt me and burned me and turned her back on me and punished me and pushed me away.....all my "protective instincts" were unfounded and for naught and ill-reasoned and ill-justified.

I can say with conviction that IF (and that's a very, very huge "IF") we were to ever see each other in person again, there's no way on God's green Earth that she could get away with treating me the way she did prior. I would not let things slide or ignore them like I have in the past.

In over 20 years we've spoken a handful of times. If that? I thought when I got my cancer dx (she came to visit me for 2 whole hours after years of nothing, said a lot of empty words),...then never returned any of my calls or emails (and oh yeah, she and her ex filed 2 law suits against me and Hubby).

There's too much turmoil and animosity and poison and vitriolic, festering attitudes,....

But my "comfort" comes from (and I haven't even read the book yet) that she could never get away with making me feel as inadequate and wrong as she did my entire life up until 2 years ago...or more recently, in particular, up until a few months ago.M.

Merrida,
I had similar feeling while growing up ,more feelings my mom has for nieces/nephews when growing up but i always thought it was in my head and never confronted her as i never want to hurt her ,she has been my best friend for years and very understanding and supporting ,but she can lack empathy i can see.

i discovered on my way of evolving over years as i matured in my thoughts and life ,OUR mothers are not toxic INTENTIONALLY but rather incidentally as they are DEPRESSED.

My MOM IS depressed and never Rxd for it and severe problem with forgetfulness.

If i want to help her its like standing on water.

my deepest worry is i am taking on her but i am not emotionally blur and i know difference between niece and my own kid ,period.

some ppl don't know where to draw lines ,its PERSONALITY /RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM as i see it.

My mom always had issues with my dad being close to his niece /nephew so she retaliated and justified it ,but kids are always caught in this EGO BATTLE.

i feel sad when i loook back for both of them,as now NONE of nieces /nephews give A **** where they are how they are?
Its rather me and my bros/sis taking care of them,so you see.LIFE IS KARMA !


they both must realize on their own OWN KIDS ARE OWN .
SO I DON'T SAY a word to hurt them,life is short for my grudges.I don't want to be a bitter kid but i feel bad at times.

our emotional health suffered caus of all this .

Post Edited (cilly) : 9/3/2014 3:17:19 PM (GMT-6)