Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Other times I know I am.

I'm 25 and started having PVCs years ago. Back when anxiety wasn't a part of my life at all, I just ignored them. I can actually remember having them and just being annoyed by them rather than terrified. Where did that young, carefree soul go?

Last year, the day after my 25th birthday, I had my second panic attack. I had had one two years earlier but never realized what it was until I got this diagnosis. I went to American Family Care because I was dizzy and short of breath. I wouldn't even let them shut the door to my patient room; I ended up pacing the hallway until the doctor came over and prescribed me Xanax .25 1-2 PRN. I took one but couldn't shake the feeling that I DEFINITELY had a pulmonary embolism, so I went to the ER. They ran blood tests and as soon as the doctor told me my D-dimer was negative, I relaxed. Boom. Anxiety gone.

Earlier this year, I became so afraid of my PVCs that I saw a cardiologist. He did a stress test and echo which both came back normal. I decided I needed a second opinion. My next cardiologist did a 48 hour holter and confirmed that I did indeed have PVCs -- about 1000 a day. He put me on Metoprolol 25 mg at night at 12.5 during the day. I thought for sure that was it--my anxiety was cured because my PVCs were all but gone.

Boy, was I wrong.

Every day it's something new. Sometimes it's 5-10 different diagnoses in one day. Today it's been cancer, aneurysm, brain tumor, appendicitis, heart attack (even though I KNOW my heart is healthy), hernia, or just the fear that I'll stop breathing in my sleep.

I saw a psychiatrist who put me on 25 mg Prozac. I was convinced for a few weeks that I was cured, until I had the most intense panic attack of my life while driving home from the beach a few weeks ago. Luckily, I had a friend with me who is a clinical assistant and knows enough about GAD that she was able to make some good suggestions (such as eating, duh, because I hadn't had anything to eat in a while--explains the dizziness and lightheadedness!).

I'm just so tired of being afraid to fall asleep because I'm worried that I'll die in the night. I'm tired of thinking I have all of these diseases that I know deep down I don't have. I'm tired of seeing every specialist in the book (cardiologist, allergy and asthma doctor, eye doctor, general practioner, ER doctor, psychiatrist, therapist, dentist). I want to go back to being the girl who didn't know how to help my best friend feel better when she was having anxiety because I didn't know what having anxiety even felt like. I don't know how to make this constant fear of dying stop. I am even too scared of dying to take my Xanax!

I guess the answer is continue with CBT (which I never really started because I only saw my therapist once--it's expensive!), get me psychiatrist to increase my Prozac and maybe give me something like Klonopin for those times that I just can't snap out of it. If only I can make myself take it! I'm always afraid it'll make me too tired to wake up in case I DO have a medical emergency. It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?

Deborah, about two months.