Child Abuse/Alcoholic Household

I'd like to share what I learned in therapy today. This may not be applicable to everyone or every situation, so this is just me sharing something personal, and it's from the perspective of my personal therapist.

He explained to me that when children are growing up in households where there's alcoholism and/or abuse (sexual/physical/emotional/shaming), there becomes three "unwritten rules" expected and performed within the household. They are:


1) Don't talk about anything (with anyone)

2) Don't feel

3) Don't trust (anyone)



Suddenly, a whole lot of stuff was coming together and making sense.

I hope this info can help someone else as much as it's helping me. I'm a work in progress.....









M.

I do too. I'm very lucky....

(Thank you for replying) :)





M.

Dear Merrida,
I am so glad that this is helping you! Keep up the good progress! No matter what, you can only do our best!
janet

M.,

That made me so sad to read those 3 'rules' of the abused.:(

I did not live full time with my father, who was an alcoholic (we eventually lost him to the disease)...

...but I do still have those issues to some degree.

It is shocking to see them in print.

Blessings in your journey.

S.C.

I grew up in a very very violent household with parents doing drugs and alcohol. I was always scared, always hiding.

Charmy, I'm so very sorry you had to go thru that. Hugs.

Thanks for caring Deborah and for your hugs. I appreciate it very much.

Thanks M, for starting this thread. :) I was thinking of starting a thread like this a few days ago, so I am pleasantly surprised to see it here. Over the past few years I have read a lot of ACA books (Adult Children of Alcoholics), and so many of the symptoms of anxiety that I have are directly related to my upbringing in an alcoholic/abusive household.

I was wondering what percentage of us on here were abused or grew up in an alcoholic household. I definitely recommend getting ahold of some of those ACA books and reading to your heart's content, because it is SUPER INFORMATIVE about why we are the way we are.

Another book I recommend is the "dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook." I have been working through this over the past few years (on and off) and it's been incredible the amount of knowledge and insight I have ---- and still forget to use a majority of the time.

Ironically in my situation the rule was not only unwritten, it was unspoken, but we just knew some how that we didn't discuss the family issues.

Even in therapy now, I tell my therapist I do not want to play the blame game, my father had an issue and he had a terrible childhood, so I am still not wanting to speak of those things, and wanting to defend him because I understand addiction, and feel like he did the best he could, we were spanked as children, and the only time he became physically abusive was when he spanked me, he would lose it, and my mother would have to step in, I believe eventually he wasn't allowed to spank us anymore.

I blamed myself for this, because I couldn't just lay there knowing you were going to get it, I literally would roll from room to room, and if you got hit on the back that was my fault for not laying on the bed and being still.

This makes so much sense. My parents were NEVER abusive. Never. I never even so much as got spanked. BUT, my mother was an alcoholic as I was growing up, and there was some pretty serious emotional abuse. I guess that counts. The hard part is, I understand why she drank. I also don't want to play the blame game. She was sexually abused by her stepdad, and her mom had some very serious mental health issues due to the unexpected death of her first husband. Also, she's now almost two years alcohol-free! But that doesn't change the fact that I had to grow up with her telling me she wished I wasn't born. I mean, I feel like most of the time I had a pretty good childhood. I love my mom. It was just occasionally that she would lose it and be too drunk to really be a mother. Iiiiii don't know. I'm really only sharing all of this so you know that you are not alone (and so do I!).

I am so glad you continue to show us the relation of the past and the future. For me, any male raising his voice now, gets me scared inside. I try not to show it outside, but keep it in and shake inside. My Dad when he was abusive and an alcoholic, was so mean. He could look at you and make you cry, but when he raised his voice it was terrifying. I watched him beat my brother so bad that he had blood coming out of his ears..he would beat me as well for doing anything. I always thought he didn't want me, because he tried beating my mom while she was pregnant, and I was born 3 months early. I weighed 3lbs 3oz. My Dad thankfully never molested me, but his drunk idiot friend did when I was 5. I can relive that moment as if it just happened. My dad had quit drinking when I was 16 thankfully, and became a great guy. Unfortunetly then he passed when I was 18 so I never really had any good moments..some not many though. Ironically, I still loved him more than anything, and he was raised like that too. Wow how all of this explains why I am the way I am today.
Thanks again Merrida.

Children who have experienced complex trauma often have difficulty identifying, expressing, and managing emotions, and may have limited language for feeling states. They often internalize and/or externalize stress reactions and as a result may experience significant depression, anxiety, or anger. Their emotional responses may be unpredictable or explosive. A child may react to a reminder of a traumatic event with trembling, anger, sadness, or avoidance. For a child with a complex trauma history, reminders of various traumatic events may be everywhere in the environment. Such a child may react often, react powerfully, and have difficulty calming down when upset.

Since the traumas are often of an interpersonal nature, even mildly stressful interactions with others may serve as trauma reminders and trigger intense emotional responses. Having learned that the world is a dangerous place where even loved ones can’t be trusted to protect you, children are often vigilant and guarded in their interactions with others and are more likely to perceive situations as stressful or dangerous. While this defensive posture is protective when an individual is under attack, it becomes problematic in situations that do not warrant such intense reactions. Alternately, many children also learn to “tune out” (emotional numbing) to threats in their environment, making them vulnerable to revictimization.




From the same source ^^



I had therapy yesterday and it came on the heels of a rough week. I go again tomorrow (I see him 2 x week), and my p-doc increased a med temporarily because I've been more symptomatic.

My Dad was as gentle as a lamb and very loving. I have happy memories of him! The only time he would get loud or violent was....when he was angry and would pitch a fit. He'd break stuff around the house, punch holes in walls and doors, yell and cuss.

To this day when someone raises their voice, I flinch. I also flinch when I'm touched but that's for other reasons. Go figure, I marry a man who's very loud (yep, we had to work through that one, and fortunately we did, and we're sooooo good, I'm blessed!)

My MIL is a teacher, her boys are slightly deaf (they all had ear infections as kids, Hubby too), and their house is L-O-U-D as all get out! I can take it in small bouts because no matter how much it's explained to me that they're not angry or yelling, they're "just loud,"....it's a visceral response.

I got ya guys on that account! It's a wild ride....





M.

Hi everyone,
This thread caught my attention - I'm a new member - 1 day old☺️ And I too grew up in an alcoholic home with emotional abuse - my mother - the alcoholic - would often project all her feelings of inadequacy onto me. I was told I was unattractive, too shy, depressed, and humiliated in front of friends and family about personal things.

The ONLY time my mother provided attention, compassion and caring was when I was sick. I recently brought this up in therapy. My illnesses are NOT in my head, I know that, but it is an interesting phenomena.

I do understand the link between abuse and anxiety - as a dialectical behavior therapy trained social worker - I learned the amygdala is damaged in early childhood if there is abuse. Our anxiety is real as is our mood disorders - which is what the amygdala manages! So don't blame yourself, for anything!!! As children we r first humans who r dependent on adults as well as additionally socialized to trust and believe our parents. But, of course, we still have to figure out how to manage it.

Anxiety = fear. Figure out your fear and learn (through therapy or research) how to best manage your fear. Know your fear is REAL and NORMAL. Courage is after all, not the absence of fear... But the ability to work through it. Give yourself permission to be terrified. Validate yourself. Some things suck! Sometimes for reasons we haven't discovered. I hate talking on the phone. I learned it's because of my need to read verbal cues as well as need time to process what I'm told before I respond - fibro fog maybe? I researched and found there is a diagnosis "phone phobia". Go figure. But I still have to learn how to cope with this. I do love texting tho!!!

I read someone is reading the DBT workbook. I taught DBT and provided the therapy for over 5 years and can help answer questions- with moderator monitoring if course!!! No therapy!!! - but questions on emotions and helping to define skills. It would help make me feel useful as I can no longer work due to my multiple health problems...

I hope this post was helpful - you are all amazing individuals and I am impressed, and blessed, with and to find this site.
Jfer. (Jennifer using my daughters nickname for me)

Fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis throughout joints, pre menopausal osteoporosis, w/multiple fractures, chronic Un diagnosed diarrhea, thyroid nodules/ problems still Undiagnosed, congenital diverticulosis w/ multiple episodes of diverticulitis,colostomy and reversal, ulcers, duodenitis, depression and anxiety