Stressed. Stomach hurts. I'm hot

Bak

My heart goes out to you tonight. There"s not really any advice I can offer you as I feel this is a very personal and private thing that you and your husband need to work out but I will offer you support and encouragement!

We, men, can be very bad communicators and not show the appreciation towards our spouse the way we should. Tell him how you feel and see how he responds.

Have you considered couples therapy? If you go to church most churches offer this. Are you religious? Maybe you and your husband can make a fresh commitment towards your spirituality.

I will bel sending prayers your way this evening. Best of luck to you.

That would be very difficult... I couldn't imagine how I would react if I were in your shoes.

I am by no means an expert or an authority in the matter of marriage but I can say that I have an excellent marriage. It's been hard work but I have never been happier or loved my wife so much after being together 20 years.

If you don't care let me give you a couple of things that has helped my personal marriage and hopefully some other people can chime in and also give us their "secret" as well.

1.) True and honest respect for one another! This is a lot of work but you have got to constantly display a level of respect for one another. Do you listen when your husband talks and show him that you respect his opinions/ decisions? Does he do the same to you? Does he do the dishes on a night that he knows you worked very hard during the day? There are a million ways you can show each other respect. I respect my wife very much and I expect the same in return.

2.). Trust. This goes along with respect. It can take years to earn trust and just a second to lose it all. You both should work on this every day.

3.) God. This is the most important one. You said your husband is reading the bible. Ask him to help you find a church that you both can attend. Start to pray together and serve The Lord together although it won't be easy but it will save your marriage.

4.). Devotion to one another. You mentioned that you go out sometimes and that your husband also goes on trips with his friends. When we start to lead separate lives, then we begin to grow apart. Your husband should be your best friend and you two should being going out together! I never needed many freinds...my wife is enough and she feels the same way about me. Your husband has a Harley! For crying out loud, take a weekend trip somewhere and rekindle that fire! Take an interest in what your husband likes and I'm sure he will return the favor to you. The key thing is that you to develop a world where it's just you and him - the two amigos, best friends.

These things I have mentioned does not take place overnight. It takes years in some cases to get right but you start small and finish big... Baby steps. Like I said. I hope I am not coming across like an expert or arrogant, I just wanted to share some personal things that helped my marriage. Hopefully some other people can share their experiences. I wish you nothing but the best! Keep us posted!

Ps. Rent "Fireproof". It's a great movie and will totally help your marriage.... Order a pizza, get a babysitter and make your husband watch it!

Post Edited (Cornell) : 9/19/2014 8:28:27 PM (GMT-6)

He's going to bed early. He's been home 2 days. Slept day 1. Spent today cleaning yard and playing with bikes. He's taking off to the beach with his friends tomorrow.

It hurts how he can arrange to take off with them but can't arrange time for me except for sex or what his plans are to take off.

As far as trust. He ruined that for me in the past numerous times with numerous women.

Respect. I say I try my best even when I'm mad and upset. I can say I'm not respected but he'd have a different opinion. I have no help. His form of help is to yell at the kids to take the trash out. I counted 4 days the dishes sat there before I had to do them. He'll pile them till you can't use the kitchen. He'll get super angry over the house and treat me crappy if something smells. So I have to scrub scrub scrub. I'm constantly shampooing carpets. I'm worn out. His days off he's off. Eventhough he says he's not because he's at home but he doesn't do anything except when he wants to. If I'm exhausted and try to take a nap he constantly wakes me for something random or wake me to find out what's for dinner.

I'm very unsupported. I'm very stressed. I'm very depressed. I hate my life.

Dump him....you're obviously worth much more than you're getting. People can suggest great things to create a better marriage but if one party is not willing to participate, you're just wasting your precious life being belittled and used. I would always opt for "making it work" if that sounded at all feasible, but in your case it seems like you've tried everything and you're still just being worn down completely. Life is too short to waste with selfish people who probably should never have gotten married in the first place. I DO NOT believe in "staying together for the kids" when all they experience is disrespect, arguing, belittling and constant angst. All that breeds is another generation of people who will do the same thing when they marry. Get emotional support from a qualified counselor to see what your best course of action is. But, first and foremost, take care of YOU for a change...it sounds like you've been the caretaker for him and everyone else for far too long. At this point your children should be your most important focus. The way you handle this situation can be a source of even more love and respect from your children, even though at first they may be angry at you. I finally did this many years ago and my son, who was an angry, nervous little boy has turned into a mature, peaceful, loving adult which I KNOW would not have been the case had i stayed in that abusive relationship. Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing.