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long term anxiety issues with partner. no easy solution

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Posted 9/30/2014 2:40 PM (GMT 0)
I have had issues with my partner for the past 24 yrs. I absorbed them, obsessed over them, tried to fix them. after 24 yrs. I know that I cannot fix them. We have totally different views on many subjects that I won't get into. When he is in a good mood, he is fun to be around. I love him but I don't like him very much. I don't respect many of his life decisions. Our beliefs about money are at the opposite ends of the spectrum.

I feel like I have had this ball and chain on my leg for the past 24 yrs. The easy, but not so easy decision, that my friends keep bringing up is kick him out or leave myself. Neither is easy or wanted.

My new therapist wants me to confront him and ask for what I need. I tried this. The anxiety it brings up in me with his outrageous verbal responses is not worth it. The 18 yr. old grandson of a dear friend of mine, stated it simply. People don't change.

So, how do I live with this person, without losing my self- worth? I worry about the future. I am 60. He is 56. I have been the sole provider for the whole time. He built our house 24 yrs. ago. He thinks that allows him to live there without paying any of the bills. He has basically no money. I mean no money, maybe a few hundred dollars. He has never filed an income tax form. He is not stupid. He has a Law Degree and 3/4 of a PHD. I don't know if he will qualify for Medicare. Both his parents died in his 60's so maybe he is thinking that will happen. My mother is 91 and going strong. I have her to think about too.

So what do I do? Winter is coming and he will be in a worse mood, uncommunicative and unemployed. I will be busy at work and coming home every night to cook dinner and sit in silence. I have tried having serious discussions. He just gets angry, yells and then is silent.

From day one I told myself this should be a nights and weekend relationship, nothing more than that. c
Any advice would be great.
Posted 9/30/2014 4:27 PM (GMT 0)
C.D.

It sounds like you are set on staying in the relationship, so my best advice would be to find ways in which to diffuse and disengage when things get ugly with him.

In this way you are not allowing your anxiety to flare, and causing yourself undue stress.

You may also just need to resolve yourself to the fact that you just can't bring up money matters, or other subjects that set him off.

That leaves all of the responsibility to you, which is not fair...but therein lies the trade-off of staying in the relationship.

I wish you much peace and wisdom in what you ultimately decide to do. I am sure it is not easy either way.:(

S.C.
Posted 9/30/2014 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
Cd,
Sorry you are in this situation. Not having a supportive partner to go through life with jut makes things so much tougher. But I do believe people can change...if they want to. I Hope the best for you.
Posted 9/30/2014 5:38 PM (GMT 0)
I was in a relationship just like yours for many years. No one could tell me what to do and I hung in there year after year after year. Finally it came down to either leaving him or going insane...I chose to leave and it was the hardest yet best decision of my life. I not only believe that "people don't change" but I also believe "they just get worse." And he's probably thinking "why should I change....she's still here isn't she." You are the only one who can make the decision on how you want to spend the rest of your life but, be assured, HE won't leave, why should he. I know there are a million reasons people stay with abusive (and he IS abusive) spouses and I used many of them myself, but it's all hogwash (as my mother would have said). If you want to be mentally and physically healthy, you HAVE to take care of yourself so that you too can live to 91 or more. It doesn't mean that life will be perfect and that you'll never have anxiety again (as I have learned and still struggle with), but the worst part of your life will be gone, you'll like yourself more, and you'll have the strength to fight any other anxiety issues you may have....if you have any once you're able to look at this situation objectively. I certainly wish you luck with your decision and I hope for your sake that it's the right one.
Posted 9/30/2014 8:46 PM (GMT 0)
CD

When it comes to these situations, I never advise the woman to leave or stay as I feel that's her personal decision. I try to just offer support and encouragement.

However, after reading your story I feel really bad for you.

I think the worst thing that a man can do is not provide for his family. I guess I am "old school" but I believe that it's our job to financially make things as easy as possible for our wives. This is also true from a biblical perspective. I don't care how many degrees your husband has , if he is not helping you pay the bills then he is useless (sorry to sound crude, it's just my opinion).

I always wondered why women would be with a man who doesn't provide for them. I guess it's one of those things that I will never know.

As a man, I show my wife (and kids) my love for them by making sure the bills are paid. My kids have excellent birthdays and Christmas's.

I usually am not so bold, but I wouldn't put up with a man who isn't doing his share. There are too many "good" men out here who are easy to get along with and who will truly respect you by making your life easier by helping you out financially.

Don't put up with that.... You can do so much better!

This could be a major reason as to why your anxiety is so high. Just a thought.

Post Edited (Cornell) : 9/30/2014 2:52:32 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/30/2014 9:28 PM (GMT 0)
Cornell, I appreciate your perspective. I was 35 when I met my partner, then husband, then partner again ( another long story). I had not met the perfect man by then. I had a view of the future. He would build our house, go to law school, get a job. I love to work and planned to do so. I never put kids in the picture because I knew from early on that our relationship was shaky and I would not put kids in the middle of it. Now I have the house he built us, a farm actually, and the house I lived in before I moved to the country. If I kick him out, then I have two properties to totally take care of myself. I also have a 91 yr.old mother who lives 500 miles away. I need to be able to leave at a moment's notice to take care of her. This leaves my partner to take care of the 2 dogs, one cat, 4 donkeys and wood heated house.

My great grandparents lived in the same house and never spoke to each other, according to my mother. People did not get divorced in the early 1900's. We at least have pleasant conversations once in a while. I have to work on building my friendships away from home to boost my feeling of self-worth. I am staying away from home for a few days. it is helping. I am more relaxed. I will work on doing that more often.
Posted 9/30/2014 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
I too am in a very similar situation. We separated for years, got back together, separated, then he came and dated me, then I moved back in.
Unfortunately, due to my physical disabilities, he is the bread earner. However, I receive monies elsewhere that allow me to cover everything but rent.
I am basically finished :(. No matter what I do he is angry and verbally bullying. I am currently seeking a way out. We are in our mid 50 s and he refuses to get health insurance, doesn't go to dr, and has large looming IRS issues ( not really his fault) .
I agree, there are many types of relTionships in marriages or partnerships; one needs to weigh all factors carefully before separating, unless there is physical abuse.
I know that you will find your path.
Please keep us updated.
Fibromite, whiplash suffer, anxiety/PTSD from accident etc.
Posted 10/1/2014 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
I'm glad to hear of the acceptance of all for your need to stay. Obviously, there are good points to your relationship that for you outweigh the thought of leaving.
I think I have some things in common with you.
I find that for the most part- right wrong or indifferent I have learned how to keep the peace. Do I sometimes feel resentful for putting him before myself? Yes. I know I really am short changing myself because others tell me so...but can I blame him for it? No- it is up to me whether I put up with it or not. Other people would not put up with what I do but I'm not other people. I'm not perfect either and somehow at the end of the day we compliment each other. I try to show him the good in the world-he tries to teach me not to be too soft.
I wish you all the best
Posted 10/1/2014 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
Just so you know. I wasn't recommending you to leave him.. But I Am telling you that you deserve better. Set boundaries and let him know what you expect of him and if he truly loves you he will abide

You deserve respect, demand it! Nobody's perfect but that doesn't mean you have to put up with a lot of crap. Set your foot down!

My mom always used to say "I am woman, hear me roar!"

Just my perspective.... Take it for what it is. Whatever you decide you have the support of everyone on here. We are rooting for you!
Posted 10/1/2014 8:55 AM (GMT 0)
To WearyRA sufferer. You hit the nail right on the head. I have to find that balance. What attracted me to him in the first place was our differences. I didn't expect the crap that went with those differences. Thank you for totally understanding my position.
Posted 10/2/2014 2:31 AM (GMT 0)
Circus- I do understand and I'm glad I made you feel understood. For me- there is no better feeling than being understood :)
Relationships are work- none are perfect
Posted 10/2/2014 3:12 AM (GMT 0)
"I believe it was St. Paul that said if you dont work you dont eat". Peace

Larry ***
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