Went to Mayo today NOT GOOD please help!

So as you all may remember I had been hanging on to the hope that my appointment at Mayo clinic would lead me down a path of healing. I've mentioned in my posts before that my daughter went to the children's psych department there for severe OCD and how great she did with the wonderful therapy there. We ended up going to Mayo after many dead ends in the smallish, rural area where we live.

So although I have seen a therapist here a couple of times as well as my PCP, I had this psych evaluation coming up at Mayo. There were times that the only thing that kept me going was knowing that if Mayo could help my daughter the way they did that they could certainly help me.

Well I went today. This went down NOTHING like it did when my daughter went for hers. I talked to two different doctors, three different times for a total of probably twenty minutes. At one point the Dr. asked me what I was hoping to get out of coming there and I said that I just wanted to be pointed in the right direction and to get with a good therapist who could help me help myself get better. Then he says to me that he doesn't think therapy there would work out because I live in a different state. Here's the thing, I live an hour and half away. I am aware of how freaking far away I live. I lived that far away when I took my daughter there twice a week or when my mom had to go every day at one point when she had cancer. It's the price you pay for that quality of care. He went on to say that because I lived that far away and out of state and would need to come so often that it just wouldn't be viable. He also said that they oftentimes actually refer their own patients out to non-Mayo therapists around Rochester.

So I sat there, dumbfounded. I was so in shock that all I could manage to say was "Well I guess I'll find a book about it to read." I didn't know what to say. He then went on and told me that I needed to give the therapists around me more of a chance. HELLOOOOO buddy I am aware that you aren't going to be transformed in just the two sessions I've had with my therapist and I said that. I have had enough bs therapy to know if someone is likely to have the tools I need and I don't think my therapist does. She's fabulous to talk to and get stuff off of my chest but I need TOOLS to help me. I've done enough talking to therapists to last a lifetime.

So at the end the dr I talked to twice called me back in with another doctor who was much older. They both questioned me quite a bit about my job (which is at a big box retailer service desk). I thought it strange because I made it clear that my job was not a big part of my stress. They then both told me that I should go back up to 60mgs of prozac. A couple of years ago I had gotten up to 60mgs after having a bad bout of postpartum depression. For years before that I had stayed at 40mg. Over the last year or so I wanted to be off of the meds for various reasons so I very slowly tapered myself down to 40 which went well, then down to 20mgs. Anxiety started when I did this but didn't hit full force for awhile. When all hell broke loose with this anxiety at the end of this August my doc and I decided I should go back up to 40mgs.

Then the first doc said he was ambivilent about the xanax. He said he compared it to "taking a drink" when feeling anxious. I was again dumbfounded. He said I would definitely need a higher dose to get effects from it but he felt that xanax caused memory loss (which is one of my issues for wanting to get off all meds). He also said he usually used different benzos but never went into that anymore. I was never even given so much as a diagnosis. Not even a freaking diagnosis. I know this doesn't really matter because I already know but still. They set me up for some class where I could come back monday to learn deep breathing and relaxation techniques. I am not driving back monday for that when I could find the same darn information online.

I am just at a loss right now. I am not giving up because I cannot and I will not. I just don't understand what the hell they thought I was there for? I already have a diagnosis, I already know what is going on with me, I needed help. The fact that he said I lived to far away is astonishing to me. When you go to Mayo in the parking garages you see license plates from around the country. People come from around the world to go there, so who the hell is this guy to tell me it wouldn't work for me to go there?

And why was this evaluation so brief and pointless? My daughter's was so much more in depth and just different. They were so caring and careful with her and us. This was truly worse than what I got at our yocal mental health center.

So as of right now I'm going to up my prozac like he suggested. I'm also going to ask my PCP to give me a Xanax script and just keep doing what I'm doing which is take it only when I cannot handle it on my own. My husband and I are going to go to marriage counseling because our marriage is causing me so much anxiety I can't stand it. I am going back to work on the 16th of this month ready or not. I'm going to try to exercise to help relieve stress. There are some books on Amazon that have rave reviews that are workbook types and I will try them out. I will also continue with my therapist and maybe seek out others.

I'm just so upset and let down. I realize that it is me who has to help myself and I am very ready to do that. The thing is I was willing to pay the financial price to drive the distance to Mayo to have a high quality therapist. Like I said to my husband I've spent more on therapists who accomplished nothing locally. What is it to that doctor where I live? Shouldn't that ultimately be my decision? And why did they not give me a diagnosis? I mean even my primary care physician did that? Was I not crazy enough for them? I just do not understand.

I guess I'm not sure what I'm going on and on about here. I just feel like the rug was pulled out from under me. Thank god I didn't know a month ago when I first made this appointment that it was going to turn out this way. It was really all that got me through sometimes. I really want to take a Xanax but am still afraid that I'm going to get addicted and not be able to manage without it. I just don't know what to think right now. Thanks for listening.

Thank you for saying that. My husband and I just sort of drove home shaking our heads. I'm beating myself up now for not speaking up and saying something but at the time I just couldn't. The thing that bothers me the most as I felt like the doctor thought I was stupid for wanting to come there and that he just shot me down as directly as he could. It was just bizarre to me on so many levels.

BB

I can definitely relate with you. There have been numerous appointments in which I looked forward to thinking that this time they would finally be able to find out what's wrong with me. And each time I went, I felt let down when leaving. I was searching for that "magic pill" or at least a diagnosis that would at least give me an answer as to what is wrong with me.

How many times have you been to Mayo clinic? From my recent research, it often takes more than one visit for a diagnosis. This may not be helpful to you but it's a fact. It finally dawned on me one day that after numerous doctors appointments that although I wasn't given an official slip of paper diagnosing me with GAD, I was in deed facing an anxiety disorder. It was only then that I stopped obsessing about my diagnosis and started focusing on treating my disorder. The doctors were telling me all along, I just refused to listen.

Have you been medically cleared? I believe that you said you have. This is great news! You know that nothing is wrong with you medically and you can jump on the anxiety train and focus 100% to treating your anxiety. This is a good thing as I was in limbo between not knowing if I had a medical condition or a mental one for quite awhile. That was miserable.

Didn't you say that you have a good therapists but she doesn't particularly specialize in anxiety disorders and that you needed someone to teach you coping techniques? From my understanding, didn't Mayo offer you just that? My therapists doesn't specialize in anxiety either and I have learned more about coping skills by visiting the resource page on here and sharing ideas with all of HW's wonderful members.

The sad part about having an anxiety disorder is that you can get very anxious about having an anxiety disorder. You can become obsessed with your symptoms and your diagnosis and so on. It can consume your time.... And sadly this is precious time that's lost and would have served us so much better if we devoted it to treating our anxiety.

Just curious.... Why are you afraid of the xanax? Do you have an addictive personality? Unfortunately, I do and I am unable to take any benzos. But if you do not have any addictive behavior then I wouldn't worry too much. A lot of people benefit greatly from taking this medication. Just something to think about. ;)

This is just my perspective. I do know how you feel. I wish you nothing but happiness and a peace of mind! Hugs!

Post Edited (Cornell) : 10/3/2014 2:48:28 PM (GMT-6)

Cornell- I probably didn't really make it clear that I don't really need a diagnosis. I've already got one, three times actually lol. I know what is going on with me. I just was VERY shocked and confused as to why a place like Mayo would tell me what I should do with my meds but not say what they thought was going on. I also realize that I need to speak up for myself. I'm just kicking myself for not saying "as a matter of fact I am fine with the travel time and want to be seen here," or "so what exactly in your opinion is going on with me?" The thing is during the appointment I just hit this weird point where I knew I wasn't going to get any real tangible help and that's what I needed. I truly do not care about the diagnosis. One would expect one when going to mayo freaking clinic though in my opinion anyway.

What they offered me was a "class" that was a one on one appointment with someone who would give me breathing and relaxation techniques. I will not drive up there for a half hour appointment of this type of stuff that is readily available almost anywhere. Especially when I was just told I shouldn't go to therapy there. The tools I'm talking about are the things they did with my daughter with CBT. It taught her how to cope with her intrusive thoughts and anxiety. It wasn't about breathing or meditating, those things I'm pretty well versed in. It was weeks of exercises that led to her being completely changed. Deep breathing and meditation have their place, I need something more.

My therapist is super for talking with. I plan on sticking with her because we've only met twice. Maybe she knows more about anxiety than I give her credit for? Who knows but I will find out as I go along. I do feel REALLY trusting and comfortable with her in a way I never truly have with another therapist and this is after only two sessions so I'm not dumb enough to throw that away.

As far as me being medically cleared, I mean I guess so. I'm convinced that I don't have any heart problems and that is enough for me. I've been to the ER three times had EKG's done, blood tests, the usual and nothing was found. My doctor wanted to do a 30 day heart monitor back before I realized that it was most likely just anxiety. I paid $1500 out of pocket with health insurance for a 24 hour monitor so I turned down the 30 day one. So nothing was ever found and I never pursued it further. It became clear to me at a certain point that it was anxiety.

My fear with the Xanax stems from past drug abuse. When I was a teen I self medicated and dealt with my home situation by doing drugs and drinking. I truly believed I could've given them up if I had an alternative but I was very bad for a few years. Once I got into therapy and met my husband (the only normal person I ever knew) I got out of drugs and have only had a drink on maybe three occasions in the past fifteen years. I just know that I have an addictive personality and I remember vividly how easy it is to dull the pain and anxiety with something that numbs me. I don't want one problem to turn into another even bigger problem. Maybe I would be just fine, I have been so far. I've had this script since Sept 3rd and I still have quite a bit left. Of course though it's been such a low dose that it isn't really giving me much effect like it would at a higher dose. If I go to that higher dose I'm afraid I will find myself turning to the Xanax instead of learning to deal with this myself. I don't want to use Xanax forever and I don't want to be addicted, those are my fears.

When it comes to obsessing about the anxiety you hit that dead on. When I'm having good days it's not so bad. When I'm sitting here feeling mad and like I'll never be normal again then it's all I think of. I've said before I'm normally a very negative person but for some reason I feel like I haven't been with this. Don't get me wrong I'm no PollyAnna or anything but I'm not giving up and I don't believe I'm a hopeless case. I do however feel like it is a very slippery slope and I don't want to slide down further. Each time I slide now I claw my way back up and I intend to keep it that way. I'm trying not to obsess about this because I know that it makes it worse. I do have to find my way and what is going to help me though, which is why I find myself here.

I don't believe that there's a magic pill either. I had hoped when I upped my dose of prozac that that would be that and I'd be good. I realized that wasn't the case and knew I had a battle on my hands. I didn't expect Mayo to hand me my health back, I Just saw first hand what help they offered my daughter so I expected to get the same. I felt like I would be in capable hands. I will not give up the hope of progress. I've made it through this past month on my own without the help of Mayo and I will continue making it. There was a point that I wanted to be commited. I feel like I've made progress since then even if it's just from understanding what's going on with me. I don't believe there is a magic pill. I do believe that there are different tools and coping mechanisms that help people and I want to learn all I can about them. If I hadn't sought any of this out I wouldn't have found Dr. Weekes' work which helped me enormously.

As always I wrote another novel. Thank you so much for your replies, they are always so great. I hope I didn't sound snotty at all because I don't at all mean to be. At this point I'm just regrouping and sort of getting a new plan of attack because I will not let this ruin me. It's already taken a month of so of my life and I'm not letting it take anymore.

BB,

I am so sorry.:( I can read how dissapointed and frustrated you are, and I understand.

I am however happy to read of your alternative plan...it sounds solid, and I am so impressed with how you rallied and came up with one so quickly!!

I love the workbook ideas. There are some excellent ones to be purchased and worked though. You have enough of a knowledge base, and know yourself and your needs well enough to choose one I am sure...but let me know if you'd like recommendations.

You are far more equipped to make a self-made plan of coping than I think you gave yourself credit for!

Does this let the Mayo off the hook for poor attemtivness to your needs? No way!...

...but I am willing to bet that with your can-do spirit...that you are going to do really well in your recovery.

We are here to support you along the way!

S.C.

Billy- I hope you can cut yourself some slack bc you did nothing wrong. Even not speaking up at the appt which you'd said you'd wished you did. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. That happens a lot when I feel intimidated. I started taking a friend with me to important appointments who was not afraid to speak up. Sometimes she'd embarrass me w/being so specific but I never regretted taking her.

You have a valid point about worrying about the Xanax. I take it as needed and even w/o an addictive personality, it concerned me. What I can tell you is you do not have to become an addict again and to pursue healing, you'd likely be just fine taking a smaller dosage as needed. When you were a teen, you were numbing a bad situation and didn't have the knowledge you do now. You are stronger than you may give yourself credit for.

Were you hoping for more of an expert in behavioral health at Mayo? You said you wanted a dx but you already had had 3 dx's? I assume the dx was anxiety/GAD/PAD, maybe depression?

I've had several therapists and I finally have a real good one. He's a psychotherapist. They're not just "talk therapy" & get to the root of issues & set goals. I will forever now recommend psychotherapy to anyone who will listen lol. (I felt he was going to be good when I told him my issues were anxiety & depression and he said "oh, that's my specialty!)" See how the gal does that you're going to and don't be afraid to say what you're looking for. Write it down, make a list, & take it to her. A good therapist would acknowledge if they can or can't help you and if not, refer you to someone that can.

Know that you're supported here no matter what and we are always here to encourage and support you & cheer you on. You ARE "fixable" and you're on the right path, albeit twists & turns, to get there!

Sending love-
Lisa

Hi, Billy,
I was fortunate to not have an addictive personality...however, they still won't give me a benzo, soooo....
I went to help my Mom clean the office tonight and got a "nervous stomach". I just tried to ignore it and do what I had to do. Part of me wanted to cry from sheer frustration though, but what ya gonna do?!? I don't know why I felt that nervous, but I did. SIGH.
You should be very proud of yourself! You have been fighting for a long time and you do NOT give up! You have been there for your daughter and that means the world! So be sure to give yourself the credit that you are due!
Keep on, BB, day by day! We're all on the same hike with you!
janet

Rona-
Not sure if you'll ever visit back here, but I want to thank-you for sharing your expertise here in such a caring, educated, believable and understanding way. Not to mention hopeful. I'm pretty sure we all just took comfort reading your post.

Billy-
I can't speak or think for you obviously, but I believe your foiled Mayo clinic experience was just redeemed by Rona's graciousness to bother posting her expertise here just for you. I'd go out on a limb to say Rona is an angel You just won the forum lottery

Sending love to all-
Lisa

Fantastic advice from you all, especially great advices coming from a professional :)
Thanks for posting Rona :) Very helpful indeed, for me also as someone who is going to take therapy for Health Anxiety soon.
As you see Billy, there is a great chance and you will eventually meet a good doctor who will help you <3

Cornell - I related sooo much with your statement about obsessing about ones own anxiety! Not to be facetious, but I can't figure out whether I'm having anxiety or obsessing over thinking I have anxiety (if THAT makes any sense at all). Last night I got together with my seven girlfriends (well, women friends since we're in our 60's) who I've known since high school and are like sisters and I didn't have one anxious thought the entire evening. On the way home I felt good too, thinking this all must be of my doing because I was fine tonite. I felt relatively well even the next morning (which is usually my worst time of day) until a little later in the day when those obsessive thoughts about anxiety started to creep in again and before I knew it I was obsessing over obsesssing, and over thinking my anxiety issues, eventually verging on panicing. What the hell is wrong with me??? Am I the cause of my own anxiety?

And along those lines, I was also impressed to read Rona's wonderful post, especially when commenting on Xanax. I have taken a 2.5 dose of Xanax once a day for many years now. I actually started in my twenties, then went off it for years with no ill effects, went back on it again for awhile and off for at least l0 years. Now I've been taking it again for a couple of years, never needing more until recently when my anxiety has kicked in to high gear. Now I find myself sometimes taking it three times a day (which was always what was prescribed but i never did) and I find Rona is right...it takes a long time to kick in and doesn't last very long. It does help but for such a short period of time. I know my therapist wanted me to go on an antidepressant since he diagnosed me with Anxious Depression and Health Anxiety (true) but I have always been very fearful of their side effects. I'm wondering if Rona can suggest one with the fewest side effects. Being a very nervous person in general with racing and obsessive thoughts, I've always been afraid of taking one that would exacerbate those. I'm sorry to say that my current therapist is more or less a pill pusher....never really interested in what's going on with me, just asking if my meds are working or should we switch to something else....so I know he'd prescribe whatever I asked him to....shameful I know but Rona was quick to acknowledge that there are some psychiatrists out there who should NOT have been doctors...and he's one of them.

Thanks, Lisa. See, that's what I mean...he's a pill pusher. He probably doesn't remember how old I am or even care. Yes, I'm going to start looking for another therapist. Thanks for your sage advice.