I Know I Must Be Weird....

Like everyone else here, I am fighting the anxiety beast. Today was basically okay until Mom wanted to go to the store. I didn't freak out over it or anything...I usually don't mind much at all really. But I just got a feeling of melancholy and a tiny touch of anxiety.
As we left our apartment to get into the car, the air was moderately cool with a soft breeze (which I love) and the sun was getting near to setting, so it was quite bright to my eyes as it hung lower in the sky. Nonetheless, I felt a sense of uneasiness and maybe even loss...like something is dying. Maybe it is me. I've never been good with change, not even good changes sometimes!
At the end of this year, my Mom will no longer work cleaning the office she's done for almost 10 years. It is her last remaining one and I have been helping her clean offices (not paid) for a little over 16 years now. I never particularly liked cleaning work, but felt morally obligated to help her, so do not regret it. On one hand, I am glad to not clean it when it's over, but it's is hard on another level too. It's facing that my Mom is getting older, even though I know that whether she works or not!
Then there's the financial difference. I'll be giving up the vast majority of what I have left over to help pay the bills every month (as I should do!!!). But so much of my money has been spent on buying needed supplements for my Mom and myself anyhow. It's not like I was going around burning money on "fun frivolous stuff" anyhow. I guess I'm afraid that I won't be able to provide those things like I was doing and I desperately want to!
I have sold postcards on ebay for a long time, but now that has mostly ended due to the supply drying up finally amongst other things. No extra money there and even more than that, I enjoyed it.
Then there's this time of year. I generally love the cooler weather and all, as I hate the heat of summer, but somehow the change of season seems to be affecting me too.
It is hard fighting the depression and the anxiety day after day, especially when the healthcare system seems to be getting more and more close-minded here. Sometimes I feel like they haven't a real clue, as they sit up on their leather chairs, judging me from behind their desks. I always feel like I'm having to be "well", not just for my own good and sanity, but to take care of my Mom. Sigh...
Okay, I've went on and on and if you've made it to here, you've been terribly patient with me! Thanks for listening and for caring!
janetlee

I wish I knew what to say...but you are a good woman for taking such good care of your mother. I'm sure she appreciates having such a caring daughter. I feel like we are all family here. And I think this is a great place to vent your feelings. You are amongst people that truly understand. Hugs!

Thank you all very very much!
And Cornell, I am so touched by your offer! At one time, we had a fair number of offices that we cleaned. But b/c of my being on SSI, I am unable to work on my own. If I had to deal with running a business and the like, I would go to pieces! I do so admire your ability to do so despite your anxiety issues!
My life is definitely not "ordinary"! How many folks do y'all know that never married b/c they were afraid of leaving home? And I am 50 years old physically/literally, but my Mom still thinks I'm 14 in so many ways...so do I sometimes. It is hard being me! :(
I'm here to tell you that Pater Pan did NOT live happily ever after!

Oh well, I've been over thhis most of my life and nothing's ever changed and I haven't the emotional strength to make it different. Never did. But you are all great to let me cry on your shoulders so patiently. Thank you all!
HUGS!
janet