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Posted 10/5/2014 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
I don't want to whine, I really don't. I'm just feeling so crappy right now. It gets so darn exhausting trying to keep yourself occupied so you don't realize how bad and weird you feel. I mentioned in another post I was just sort of walking around the house aimlessly not sure what to do with myself. Today I almost feel equally as depressed as anxious. Yesterday I felt anxious so I worked my behind off cleaning the garage and my youngest daughters disaster of a bedroom. Today I am just beat and literally just brushed my hair a little after two o'clock. It's gray outside and I just want to go to sleep so I don't feel this way anymore. I know if I do that though that I won't be able to sleep tonight and I do not want that. I've had insomnia all my life and thank god throughout this bout of anxiety I've slept well for the first time ever and I don't want to mess that up.

I hate waking up shaking and then just counting down the hours till bedtime. It's no way to live. I'm still trying to stay hopeful but I just feel so tired, so worn down mentally and physically. And this is when the fear that I'll never be my normal self again comes creeping back. What if this is the best quality of life I'll ever have? What if I'm going to feel this way forever?

We are having money issues (that is an understatement) that have been made worse by me being off of work. I go back in 11 days. I'm excited but so terrified. We just had to borrow $200 from my mother in law. It is humiliating. I just want to be able to work and be normal. This isn't like if you were sick with something physical where people can see it and understand. I feel like I'm just lost.

Sorry for whining but I had to get this off my chest.
Posted 10/5/2014 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
We are here to listen! It's not whining, it's talking about your problems. We all do it here:)
Sounds like going back to work might just be a good thing for you!! It will be a good way for you to fill your day. Maybe get into a good routine.
Posted 10/5/2014 9:17 PM (GMT 0)
Billy- I could have written this post myself! I've actually had close to a week of stable, normal moods so I'm cautiously optimistic. Idk what has changed bc I'm still on the same med combo since mid Aug and I was doubting it was working. We shall see.

Earlier this summer was kinda miserable. That's an understatement. I'd wake every morning anxious and wonder if there was anything that would ever get me back to myself. I believe that is depression talking! I paced my house every morning after waking, bawling and miserable. It's such a hopeless, isolating feeling. Someone could have handed me a million dollars & I'd have been like "eh, thanks" instead of WAHOOOO YAY HOORAH!!!!!!

I honestly would have eaten goose poop if I knew it'd make me feel better (we live on a lake LOL).

What I can tell you, even though I don't quite consider myself in remission yet, is that you WILL get back to yourself. It's hard to believe, trust me I know, but it's true. My therapist AND psychiatrist told me so so when I doubted, I remembered they said I would so I believed them. Not to mention this 'ain't my first rodeo w/depression & anxiety- just my longest bout thus far and my first time trying to find the right med/combo bc in my past, one med just worked and I didn't look back.

Keep posting as much as you want and "whine" all you want bc that's what we are here for- to listen, support & hopefully comfort.

Sending love-
Lisa
Posted 10/5/2014 10:28 PM (GMT 0)
lesweet71 - I know exactly what you're talking about because much of your story could have been mine. We long to be "back to our old selves" and wonder if that will ever happen....and it WILL. I have suffered anxiety on and off for over 40 years and every time I suffer with it, I think it will never end...but it does. It's almost like your anxiety will take you to the brink of what you can stand, then "poof" your brain says, ok, ok, that's enough for now. And sometimes those feelings of normalcy will only last a few minutes, then maybe a day, then maybe more until you've really crossed over, back to the old you. Trust me, I started with horrible, debilitating anxiety when I was 20 that lasted a few years....then I went totally anxiety free for about 10+ years, then had smaller bouts of it on and off, then another five to seven year period of nothing. Now, for some reason, I'm in the midst of it again and it's a really tough one. Even though I know what it is, it still is debilitating and your mind tells you 'oh this time it must be something really serious, maybe even terminal" and yet, in reality, it's just the same old anxiety i had 40 years ago. So you have to just keep telling yourself, "it will pass", "it will pass" and eventually it will....I hope sooner than later for all of you who suffer.
Posted 10/5/2014 11:26 PM (GMT 0)
Such nice responses you guys! What a family we have on here!

BB,

I truly hate to hear you are going through this. And to add financial difficulties makes it that much worse... I'm sure that all of us has gone through some type of "money troubles" before and it's very difficult. Don't you EVER be ashamed for having to burrow money! That's what being a family is all about! Helping each other out. As a matter of fact, if there's anything I can do to help you then let me know (I think my email is on my profile).

I have the "man version" of what you guys are talking about. This disorder is the worst.... "Baby steps" is my new motto. I am so much further today than I was 2 months ago and I hope to be so much further two months from now.

God Bless you BB!

PS don't try the goose poop.... Already tried it when I was a kid and it didn't help much. ;)

Post Edited (Cornell) : 10/5/2014 5:30:46 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/6/2014 5:36 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks guys. As always each and everyone of you has given me great encouragement. So although this weekend made me feel physically and mentally uncomfortable I still managed to get through it. It feels SO good to hear you guys say that I will get back to myself. I think I can handle this if I truly believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that this isn't all that's left for me. It is a scary thought to imagine just existing uncomfortably at best like I am now.

Today I'm still anxious and having a very hard time doing my school work. I have so much to do but can't concentrate. Sine this all started I have to have the TV on during the day (even though I am not a TV watcher) because it's just too quiet without it. Then I find myself getting sucked into stupid stuff on there and don't get anything done. I have all this reading to do and that is the worst and hardest for me.

I will just keep telling myself that time heals and that I will get back to myself. Maybe increasing my prozac will help? At the very least I'm functioning now much better than I was. I don't like to go to the store by myself but I can without totally freaking out. I haven't had what I would consider a full blown attack in a couple of weeks so they is something. Like I said the fear of being stuck this way just really brings me down. The physical feelings, the shaking and nervous feeling just get so old.

Thank you again everyone!
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