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Overwhelming anxieties about my relationship..

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Posted 10/10/2014 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there, I'm new here and I've been trying to deal with the issues I'm having on my own, but it's just not boding well for me. I thought maybe this would be a good place to let out what I have in my head and also hopefully get some insight and advice from people who may understand. I'm sorry for the long post, for those who bear with me, thank you.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months. I'm 24, he's 26. I know it's a fairly new relationship. Things went a little fast in a the beginning. I had gotten out of a three year relationship about 5 months prior to meeting him. I felt like I was in a good place though, when I met him. I was finally feeling happy and my boyfriend came along with everything I said I wanted in my next relationship. It frightened me a little bit. Like a "too good to be true" kind of logic. But I went with it. He told me he loved me after a month of knowing me. That also freaked me out. But I got over it. I didn't say it back to him until I truly felt it (a few months later) and he was very understanding. He is truly an amazing person, and although he's very different than anyone else I've been with, it's overall been fantastic. I'm attracted to him, we have so much fun together, he makes me laugh, we go on adventures, we have similar interests, he sleeps at my place quite a bit (which I love), he makes me feel good about myself, we know each other's friends and families...it's been great. I do genuinely feel like I love him, and I do believe he loves me.

The problem is...when I'm alone, not with my boyfriend (when everything is perfectly fine and I'm over the moon happy) my anxieties take over my thoughts and cause me to think of everything negatively. I overlook the positives in the relationship and think about little menial things as negatives. I have doubts in the relationship sometimes, but I've been told that's normal...I doubt his feelings for me sometimes, even though nothing has changed in his behaviour and he has never done anything to cause me think this way. He's a self-proclaimed man of few words, doesn't talk about his feelings much (however, if we're ever drinking together, he spills his heart out to me...and I'm in a constant battle in my head thinking, "does he truly feel these things and this is what he doesn't know how to say in other situations or is he just drunk and saying these things?") but BECAUSE he doesn't talk about his feelings much, I try not to talk about mine as much either. I do talk about them sometimes, but I feel like he's just going to think I'm insecure or get uncomfortable or think that he makes me unhappy if I express everything I'm thinking about. I don't want him to think I'm some crazy person. My last relationship was my "first love" relationship. No holding back, I was naive and ignorant thinking it would never end. Now, I feel like I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. I just want to find a balance between the two.

I need to know how to either express these things to him, or get over these thoughts. I've read a lot about "Automatic Negative Thoughts" and I'm certain that's what is going on, but...I don't know how to stop them. I don't want to ruin something that is so great because I'm self-sabotaging it. I've read countless articles on "insecurities in relationships" and all that, it just hasn't helped. I've never been "insecure" before. So I don't know how to deal with it, and I hate that it's caused SOLELY by my own thought processes, nothing else. I work out, I journal, I have my own friends and life outside the relationship, and I still have these problems. I almost feel like I'm depressed? But I just feel like it doesn't make sense how I can go from being so happy with I'm with him - or with family, friends, etc, and then when I'm alone, the negativity and sadness overwhelms me. (not ALL the time when I'm alone, but it happens. Yesterday and today have been really hard. Probably the hardest it's been so far.)

Has anyone dealt with these feelings before? How did you overcome them? Does anyone have any words of wisdom that might help me and my relationship?

Thank you for those who read this, and extra thank you to those who take the time to respond.

Post Edited (stateofgrace) : 10/10/2014 8:11:04 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/10/2014 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
Does anyone have any advice? I could really use some kind words from someone who might understand...
Posted 10/10/2014 4:53 PM (GMT 0)
SOG.,

This is a very busy forum lately!! As you can see...I am doing my best to respond...but I go in order of posts coming in.

I try to put a lot of thought and help/support into every response, so please give me some time...:)

Others may be on soon as well, but it takes a while to get a response on busy days...be patient, and we'll talk soon!

S.C.
Posted 10/10/2014 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Okay, I am back.:)

Hello and welcome!

I am glad to hear that you are overall happy with the current status of your relationship....although sorry to hear of the worries that are recently creeping in...

Here are a couple of questions to consider asking yourself:

1-Do I tend to struggle with anxiety as a general rule, or is this anxiety solely concerning this relationship.

2-How much has my past relationship/break-up colored my feelings about this one?

3-Are my overall feelings about my boyfriend postive...what is the pervasive gut instinct that I am having?

4-Has he given me any reason to think that he feels anything other than what he tells me to be true?

5-Am I over-analyzing this?

I am interested to know the answer to number 1 myself. Has anxiety been an issue before? You see, there are true anxiety disorders...and then there is situational anxiety...as in being worried about just one area/factor of your life.

We deal with mostly anxiety disorders here...and as such, can't really give you advice on your relationship specifically...(which is why I gave you the questions to prompt some soul searching on your part.)

...but we can certainly help you in and on-going anxiety issues that you face...so keep posting if you feel you could use the support.:)

Scaredy Cat
Posted 10/10/2014 5:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Scaredy Cat,

Thank you for your response, it's much appreciated.

As for your questions:

1. Anxiety has been an issue for me prior to my current relationship, I always worry about money, work, what my actions will make people think, etc. The main thing that I worry about though, is my relationship, because I think of it as one of the more important aspects of my life.

2. I didn't think my past relationship had much to do with my actions now, but I'm starting to think that maybe I'm still a little scarred from it. I don't want that to wreck my current relationship, however.

3. When I'm thinking rationally (ie. when I'm not overwhelmed by anxious feelings and worrying about everything), everything I think about my boyfriend is positive. It's when I get in this state of worry and negative, anxious thoughts that I question things. But, when I look it, he hasn't changed or done anything differently to make me think this way, so, it seems it's all in my head.

4. He has never really given me a reason to think that his actions or words are not genuine or true.

5. Chances are that, yes, I am over-analyzing. I do this often. But I don't know how to stop. It controls my mind and my thoughts and turns me into a person I don't like to be. However, this is a silent battle I'm dealing with, because no one around me understands. My boyfriend knows I worry about things, he knows to a point that I have an issue with anxiety, but he is a very laid back person, care-free attitude, live in the moment kind of guy. The kind of person I want to be so badly. I don't really express the way I'm feeling in fear that everyone will think I'm crazy. So I keep it all to myself, but it seems it's weighing a little heavier on my heart lately.
Posted 10/10/2014 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
SOG

So glad you found us! Thank you for your patience as the board is in full speed mode!

It sounds to me that you are experiencing spikes of anxiety when your boyfriend is away. Check out our coping skills/ techniques on our resource page and practice and perfect them. Apply them when you're alone and the anxiety starts creeping in.

Have you searched your soul and asked yourself where this anxiety is coming from? Is it a trust issue with your boyfriend or just total insecurity on your part? If it is insecurity, then try not to be too hard on yourself. We're human beings... We need confirmation that we are loved. In your case, you need confirmation by your boyfriend that he loves you when he is with you and away from you and that you can trust him 100%. Encourage him to open up to you more often and talk about his feelings. When feelings, emotions, and words go left unsaid, then this type of "insecurity" and anxiety can creep in.

Remind yourself that some separation is good an healthy for the relationship. Can you imagine being with someone for 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week? You need your own "time" and he needs his.

Try to look at it like this... Your relationship is a flame of fire. If you smother that flame then what happens? The fire goes out! But if you allow the flame to have the air to breathe, it will burn bright for years and years to come!

Successful relationships are a lot of hard work. It isn't easy and in fact, at times it can be grueling. But if you're with the right person, it is SO much worth it!

Wishing you a lifetime of love!

God bless!

Cornell
Posted 10/10/2014 5:29 PM (GMT 0)
Resource link...

Cornell is right!! These coping skills are a great self-help opportunity to lower your overall stress/worries/anxiety levels.

Check it out and give some a try!!https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=9&m=104206

Keep posting! We are here to support...and that is KEY! You have lots of friends to talk to here.:)

S.C.
Posted 10/10/2014 5:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Cornell,

Thank you for your kind words :)

Honestly, I feel like you kinda hit the nail on the head when you said this:
"If it is insecurity, then try not to be too hard on yourself. We're human beings... We need confirmation that we are loved. In your case, you need confirmation by your boyfriend that he loves you when he is with you and away from you and that you can trust him 100%. Encourage him to open up to you more often and talk about his feelings. When feelings, emotions, and words go left unsaid, then this type of "insecurity" and anxiety can creep in."

I feel like I need a little more reassurance, but the internet has poisoned my mind into thinking that guys will run when you ask for it. I don't feel like I need to be with him all the time, or talk to him all the time, or anything like that. I've never been a needy person. I enjoy my own space too. It just seems that lately, when I'm alone, this is when I start over-thinking every little thing and then the anxiety sets in. But perhaps I just need a LITTLE bit more reassurance and communication than I'm getting. Is that okay? Like is that okay to ask for? I know if he's the right person for me then he will understand, I just need to express my needs. But like I said, I've just been scared into thinking that the slightest bit of "crazy" or "insecurity" or "being emotional" will scare any guy away. Which is obviously not what I want to do. I do feel like a conversation needs to be had. I just don't know how to approach it, and I want to be level-headed when I do so, because otherwise I'll just break into tears, which would make anyone uncomfortable.

I don't know why I get this way when I'm not with him. I don't want to be this way. I want to remember how great it is when we're together, even when we're apart, but sometimes, I just can't seem to remember that and my thoughts are consumed with the fear of losing him.
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