Not having a dad

i know what ya mean about the father figure. my dad left soon after i was born. mum had other marriages. my step father was brutal. a chat for another time. my mum did a remarkable job under the circumstances. i think sometimes my life would have been better. i went through hell and with mum too. chat another time. we are a dysfunctional lot, we all love each other though. i grew up fast and very street wise without a father figure. my dad is and was a mess as mum recalls. he left us all. no contact nothing. he is re-married with children. i send healing thoughts your way.

I think not having a dad effects people deeply, especially boys/men. My husbands dad left him as a very small child. Up until about 10 years ago, they lived in the same city his whole life! My husband doesn't have anxiety, but he does have other issues that I believe stem from this.
You should not be embarrassed at all to bring this up Cornell. We are all on a mission to find the root of our anxiety. This could be a big part of yours!!
I think my husband is actually a better dad because this happened. He wants the best for his girls and would never want them to feel even a fraction of the pain he felt as a child. And from what I read of you, you sound like a pretty terrific dad too:)

Well.... I only have just a minute here, but wanted to chime in on this. I bet your Mom is SO PROUD of who you are today. I realize it's hard to live with this anxiety, but from what I have seen of your personality you are as caring as anyone can be.

I will say though, that being raised in a single parent home does cause tension in development of children. I was a single mom for 9 years with my oldest son who is now 14. His disposition in life is very different from my younger children who are being raised with both myself and my husband. My younger son, age 4, already has a confidence unlike anything I ever saw, and have yet to see, with my older son. I am attributing that to my older son being raised in a single parent home. Plus I was also a full-time college student and working full time.

There is definitely something there to process through and think on. But you are an absolutely impressive and wonderful person, so tread softly on those thoughts. :)

Night!

I feel so bad reading about people growing up without dads because I had the most loving dad in the world and when he passed away when I was 40 I felt so lost and alone-and cheated....but I had 40 wonderful years!
Having an absent dad is certainly nothing to feel ashamed about it. It wasn't your fault. And who knows what caused him to be absent? Maybe it's a forgivable reason? Of course sometimes some fathers are just no darn good. (mother's too)
I give all single parents applause-it's hard being both parents- you sacrifice so much more without a partner to share the burden.
For those who lacked a positive role model for your gender..my heart goes out to you. I can completely understand your confusion and insecurities. However it sounds like for the people here to be affected byn this situation- you have all succeeded in your own family lives to excel at being loving parents to your children. How good is that?

Cornell,

Your ability to be loving and present for your family are a testament to your character and strength as a man.

How you have come to this point without the role model that you should have had growing up is nothing short of amazing...and dare I say a miracle?

You have allowed healing for yourself to happen through the grace of the Father that will never fail you.

Not everyone can do this...one has to be willing to stop dwelling on the past scars and hurts...and be brave enough to move forward.

We are blessed to have you here contributing...we are all broken people, who come together to share and support eachother.

Thank you for sharing, and allowing us to be there for you.

With understanding and admiration.

S.C.

Momma ScaredyCat

Your words are always comforting.... As a moderator, you have helped set the tone for this forum and helped make it a warm, compassionate, and inviting place. You have helped make this a very comfortable environment where I feel safe sharing my personal feelings.

I think it's safe to say that everyone on here looks up to you.

Thanks again for your kind words!

Cornell

Hi Cornell,

I would say that not having a father figure has for sure impacted us and out anxiety. I know for me it has always made me anxious in relationships that they would cheat or leave me like my father did.

The amazing and important thing is that you are being the opposite man that your father was. The way you talk about your girls is proof of that to me.

I'm just thankful that my husband is nothing like my father! However my first fiancé was and boy am I glad I ended that. It would've been like history repeating itself.

Janet

Thanks for your reply. Off topic, but I have a brother in law that is a tow boat captain on the Ohio river. He is gone a lot too.

I have had substance abuse issues in the past. However, I do not plan on ever sharing this with my daughters. One day when they are much older and if I think they would benefit to hearing a very important "life's lesson" through my own personal experience, then I might indulge. I just don't know yet. I would hate to tarnish the view they have of their daddy.

I pray that all three of them will find a Godly man that will treat them good. I try to set the example by always showing respect and love to their mother (and my wife). Hopefully my devotion towards my wife will resignate in their mind of how a woman is supposed to be treated by her husband.

Thanks again for your response!!!!

God bless

Cornell

Oh Cornell - I am so sorry for your loss in having a father figure growing up. It's such a common occurrence these days, I'm sorry to say, and i think we can all see how it's affected our society. I feel safe in saying that yes, alot if not all of your anxiety probably stems from this lack of having a father figure growing up.

i have three sons....the first two were basically raised by me because their father was an alcoholic, gone most of the time during our short marriage and then out of their lives completely until they were around 18 and 20, when he had stopped drinking but lived out of state. They developed a pretty good relationship with him at that point, even though I believe alot of it has to do with the fact that he's a damaged soul and the boys felt the need to feel sorry for him. He eventually started drinking again and sadly, died last year at 65. I know that their lack of a father figure during those formative years had a profound impact on them and yet they have turned out to be just like you....caring, compassionate, intelligent men who are great fathers. The ideal situation is to have children grow up with two strong, supportive and loving parents. But I do not believe in the adage "stay together for the kids". Had I stayed married to him I am sure they would have had many more issues than they do now, possibly even alcoholism, so I made the decision to divorce. Now at ages 45 and 43 both boys (men I guess) are wonderful and successful people but they too suffer from anxiety like you do. So I would say that although it's certainly possible that your anxiety could have been caused by your situation, you too have been able to become a wonderful, loving father to your girls. You should be proud of that fact in spite of your anxiety because your great characteristics are the things that will stick with your girls the most. And remember too, your mother must have been a great mom to have raised such a beautiful person as yourself. So when the anxiety kicks in, recognize that it could be that lack of a father figure but give thanks that you DID have a loving mother who help to make you the man you are today.

Cornell, I'm sorry that you have been through this. I don't know if that is the "cause" of what you're experiencing, but I think our childhoods and our genetic makeup both play a role. My husband's father's father (got that:) left when he was a small child. Found another wife and had several children and a family that he stayed with his whole life. I know that hurt him and he in turn was a crappy dad to my husband. The thing is, you have a choice and you've chosen to be a good man and a good father. My husband struggles in the good husband dept, but he is a great dad. He loves our son so much and would do anything for him.

As far as that creating your anxiety....that's hard to tell. Did you internalize a lot the hurt from your childhood? That can come out in all sorts of ways. Did you have to play the father figure to your sisters? That puts a lot of pressure on a kid. It may be that all of that pressure and hurt just didn't have anywhere else to go.

When things really got bad for me, it was the hardest time of my life. My husband told me he didn't know if he really ever loved me, bought a house, moved out and left me with our (then) 2 year old son while I was trying to make it through my first semester of school. I did ok for a few months and then BAM it was like getting hit with a ton of bricks. Anxiety, heart palps, brain fog, insomnia, couldn't eat. It was horrible. This was all after he moved back, but I almost think my mind had done as much as it could with what was going on and then it manifested itself in physical ways. Now, I've always been prone to health anxiety and general anxiety, but this was a whole different experience. I'm only sharing this because I think that, yes, what you went through might have something to do with where you are now.

If I were you, I'd focus on the good things that your childhood taught you. How to be a great dad, how to be a caring and kind person, how to be dependable. How to be here for all of us!!! We can learn lessons from difficult times. I hope some of what I said makes sense. I've rambled on a bit.

You're a good man Cornell. Your family is very lucky to have you, and so are we.