My Confession/Shame

When I read many of the posts on here, I am always amazed and proud of how so many, despite their extreme anxiety and panic attacks, get themselves up and go on to work each day or whatever else it is that they are battling the fear over. My admiration overflows for these ones!
In my way, I have battled and won some I suppose. If not, I would not be here today. That's just the facts. BUT....for the most part, I have always been an "avoider". When I was 17 and freaked out over a PA about my first job, I did not go back. I tried to work a couple of more times and the longest I lasted was 6 1/2 days. Back then, I had no help in dealing with anxiety or phobias and as many years passed by, they became VERY ingrained. So my life has been one of not working my own job (I've helped Mom for 16 years though), not marrying and having my own family, and pretty much remaining stuck in time, never fully growing up, in a sense.
I was in therapy for many years and never got anywhere much. I had a number of therapists too. The fact is, I've always been too scared to be anyone else than who I am, for better or for worse and I suppose it can easily be argued that it has ended up for worse.
I told my NP yesterday that I am not proud of being so scared and am ashamed of being an avoider. Everyone always seemed to me to look at me reproachfully b/c I just could NOT change. In therapy, I always came to this "wall" that I could not scale, no matter what and so I have spent my whole life being ashamed about it.
I am not writing this b/c I want anyone to reassure me that I CAN change (I would rather you not. Sigh. Been there, done that. NO. Please don't!) I guess I am writing this so I can announce to the world that I am a very flawed individual that is not as strong as I'd like to be in some ways. It has cost me dearly. But in other ways, I have been incredibly strong, I feel. Or else, I would not have stuck around for all this pain.
So some can see me as a yellow-bellied coward and I'll just have to accept that, hard though it is. I am ashamed to be a coward. I am very sorry.
janet

Well said Mom! You are such a caring and loving person, Janet! I wouldn't encourage you to change but please don't be so hard on yourself! Learn to lean on us and allow us to carry you when you are too scared to face your fears!

I always say that "I am a work in progress" and that "God is still working on me"! Keep practicing your coping skills, going to therapy, and taking your meds. Little by little, you will learn to face your fears!

Until then, take our hand and know that we are here for you!

Sending much love!

Cornell

Oh boy...if we are doing confessions, and naming our shame...

...let me do some finger warm-up and stretches...

...and you guys might want to take a bathroom break...and grab a snack...maybe get a nap in there too...before reading my epic novel.

Okay, you get the point. You are not alone...We ALL feel that we have come up short in some way!!

Janet we LOVE you for who you are....not some ideal we have of who you should be.

Accept that which you can't change...but always strive to do the best and most that you can for your health and well being.

With understanding and lots of hugs.

S.C.

To each of you that have replied, a heartfelt hug and thank you!!!
And Larry, I love and adore birds, so that was a most wonderful compliment you gave!
Till this day, I apologize ALL the time for EVERYTHING! Mom says that I don't have to say "I'm sorry" for this or that as "it" is no big deal (I'm talking about very small things of no real importance).
I have never felt "good enough". It wasn't my folks' faults. They always just told me and my sister to do our best and if we did, they would be okay with that and they really were! But I just never feel like I can measure up somehow, so I feel like I have to apologize for that too.

This has been a tough year I guess.
My 2 fave nieces got married.
My Paxil pooped out and the Effexor did not work for me well.
I was switched to Prozac which now needs Abilify added and clonazepam.
I turned 50 years old.
I began menopause.
My Mom retires at the end of the year.
Our income goes way down at the end of the year.
I'm always stressed about Mom's health and her getting older.
I think the change of seasons has affected me this year.
September was the one-year anniversary of my beloved cockatiel's death. I had had him for nearly 17 years.
And so it goes.
Thank you all for listening! You are ALL my therapists and the best I've ever had!
HUGS!
janet

Oh thank you TMA! What a sweet thing to say! I have written some poetry (very little of it good), but a few poems I AM proud of! :D
You are so kind!
HUGS!
janet

Janet- I too agree with what everyone said, including that if we all confessed, like you so eloquently and bravely did, we all share the same story.

I do at least. I'm 43 & frankly like you, I was afraid to have children... I was lucky my husband didn't want children either so it was a good match. But- I was afraid of my anxiety. I'm the baby of 5 kids and Ive many Nieces & nephews so the pressure was off of me. Regret doesn't consume me, luckily I never had baby fever (except in my early 20's w/first bf) but it never came back.

Something my therapist said recently when I told him I feel like a big baby, scared & unsure of life- he said "what makes you feel like you're unique with these thoughts...we all still have the child inside & when we're struggling, we can feel like a scared child on the inside." Does this sound familiar?

So- I'm just here to tell you that you 'ain't the only one. Not trying to diminish your pain by saying that, just that I very much understand.

I would love to be your friend in person. I think you're intersting, intelligent and fun. I love your writing here whether it's needing advice or giving advice. I look forward to your posts & replies, no matter the topic.

Sending you much love, understanding & compassion!♥️

Lisa

It must be that the planets are lined up with Mercury in retrograde,....or something like that?

I had therapy yesterday. What was it we discussed, you asked? Well, here, let me share: That I never 'grew up' and that for my age (51) I don't know how to do a lot of things that are "common sense" to people half my age.

I always avoided and became a runner. If something came easy (academics did), then I'd throw myself into it, almost with blinders on. If it was difficult (uhm.....social skills, rudimentary behaviours)...I'd bale and hide my head like an ostrich.

I told my therapist that now that I'm dealing with this schtuff, I feel like I'm around 16 years old, mentally, just figuring the world out.

Just like you, Toots, there are many aspects of my life (such as the fact that I live an insular life, spend a lot of time alone, etc.)....I don't want to change them. These are parts of my intrinsic nature. We don't "have" to change, dear friend,....but we *can* do is learn how to cope with our situation in different ways.

Hey, I'm right there with you. I'm just figuring all this stuff out now, for goodness sake, so I'm a total noob.

Kindred spirits?





M.

Janetlee,

I would LOVE that! I didn't want to ask, because I know that poems can be personal. But hey, since you mentioned it.... Yes please! :)

Thanks so much for sharing!!!