To go to school next semester or not?

I go in this friday to register for spring semester at college. I am very lucky to have grant money to pay for me to go full time. This is HUGE for me because there is absolutely no way I could afford it myself. College has been a dream of mine since the day I dropped out of high school and went to get my stupid GED. I was ashamed at the place I found myself and just knew that I would go and get my education one day.

I've have done well this semester despite going through horrid anxiety. At midterms I had all As and Bs but have fallen behind the last couple of weeks. I've been working more hours at both of my jobs to pay for Christmas and there are just so many hours in a day to do school work and be with my kids and something has to suffer. I will also admit that I haven't had the easiest time concentrating lately either. Today in fact I haven't gotten a single thing done. In a way doing the school work is sometimes a trigger for me. I have a hard time getting myself going on it, it just makes me sort of nervous. Once I get into it I do better but it is hard.

I'm debating if I want to go next semester at all. We are in deep debt and are barely getting by financially and we really need the money I can make from working more hours that just cannot be done right now with school. Also I think about how in just a couple of more years my kids will all be that much more self sufficient making it a bit easier to do my work. Then again with kids there's always something isn't there?

I thought about taking just half time classes but then that would cut down my grant money to the point where I would likely have to pay out of pocket which I just cannot do right now. That is why part of me just thinks I need to suck it up and take the four classes I can get paid for by the grant and be happy to do it. I'm 100% sure that if I don't go back next semester that I will go back but I worry that it will be harder for me if I don't keep going.

Right now I just long to get rid of any stress I can in my life and I certainly can't get rid of work or my kids so school is the only other option. Then again I'm getting by right now and I'm sure I could do the same next semester too. What are you guys opinions? I feel like if I don't keep going next semester that I'm a failure and giving in to anxiety. It is just really hard right now and it is so tempting to let that one big thing go, at least for now. I've got to figure it out before Friday and if I know myself very well I'm sure I will end up going full time again. Thanks for listening everyone!

Mom- I SO hope these feelings are long gone by spring but I don't know. Back in September I never expected to still be having these feelings in November yet here I am. We will see I guess.

Thanks Scaredy- I truly feel like for me at this point in my life I am spreading myself too thin. I keep comparing myself to others I know who handle so much more and I feel like a failure. Right now though I have to admit that I'm having a health issue. If I had a physical sickness like something that could be seen I wouldn't have a problem cutting back. For some reason though I do feel like a failure if I don't keep plugging along.

My husband wants me to do whatever makes me happy but also feels the same way I do about how lucky I am to have the grant money. Maybe I would get the same amount again down the road but I don't know. When I applied in the past I was awarded half of what I was given this time and I never pursued it. If I weren't able to go for free (or the cost of my books I should say) I wouldn't give this a second thought. I would put it off hoping I get to feeling better and then go back to it.

Truthfully though I'm afraid that this is my new normal. After you've felt like crap for over two months you start to wonder if it is ever truly going to get better.

Comparison is the theft of joy. You do what you gotta do, girlie! It will be clear soon:)

Thanks guys. I was just overflowing with positivity a few weeks ago but not sure where all that went to lol! Overall I'm still much more positive than in the past but as time drags on it gets harder. With it being winter around the corner it is worse for me. I always feel like utter crap in the winter and the fact that I work at a major retailer does not help me feel any better during November and December!!!

For the longest time I just thought time would pass and that I would get better but I am afraid now. I try so hard to see how far I've come but I just can't help but wonder if my body and mind will somehow snap back to normal. The way this came about and comes and goes in such a manner that you just don't know what hit you doesn't help. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it.

I just got to thinking today that I will be taking my finals during the absolute worst times at work. Not quite sure if I thought that through when I signed up for school but I'll just have to make the best of it. I really wish I could afford one of those darn lights to help with seasonal disorder or whatever you call it because I just get so down at this time of year. Whenever time changes in the fall (pretty much winter here) it hits me hard until spring. Trying to keep my head up though and you guys are the biggest help!