Please give me some advice before I go crazy.

I have posted about this before, it's my mother. She is a 70 yr old self loathing, energy draining vampire. I know that sounds bad to say but my God, she has caused me so very very much stress and huge anxiety and last year shingles, because of her guilt trips, lies and manipulation. Some of you know that I'm a full time care giver to my very handicapped adult son and can't get out much anymore. I have asked my mother and father to come visit us at my house ( 45 min) away , for 5 yrs now and they won't. I hear every excuse there is. I have been pestered for months now to host Christmas at my house and then they will come over. ??  WHAT????  Just today my mother informs me that her and my dad will be spending Christmas at my (golden child brother) and his family TWO STATES AWAY!  I told my mother that hurts because for years she wont come to my house. Now she is texting me about how I'm killing her, how she is old and going to be dead some and how does that make me feel, blah blah blah. Im going crazy

You sound like such a nice lady. Your heart is good but open to attack. She can only guilt you if you let her. It is extra hard as this is mom but you are giving her the steering wheel to your feelings. Deborah, no one can make you feel anything unless you let them.
if they choose to go somewhere else that is their choice. if she starts in on the guilt change the topic. Or don't listen.
My mil was like this and everyone in the family cowered to you. I came in and told her that I wasn't going to listen and was hanging up , or going for a walk if she brought up X topic again. It took a few times and lots of hateful looks/comments from family but I was the only one who didn't have to deal with it.

You are a grown woman. You are not 6 years old and don't have to be badgered by anyone EVEN if that person is your mother.
I suggest you find a therapist in the area who will help you with communication and assertion. With help you can find a healthy way to interact with her and deal with the regular stress of life. You will be much happier if you can get this therapy for yourself. its a hard road but so is the one you are on.
Good luck!

D.S.

I am so sorry that the family dynamic continues to be so hurtful for you.:(


I agree with the others that you need to guard your heart, and do what is best for you, your husband and your son.

I hope that you can come to a place of peace with this, and be able to enjoy your holiday. Try not to let this steal your joy.

S.C.

I am sorry Deborah, I would never give this advice to anyone, because of respect. But I really really think you should cut ties with them. You already have a hard task to do and besides you are struggling with your Anxiety issues. You never have any support from them, hear nice words to give you strength and never even have a mere visit from them.

The last thing you need is people who are making things harder for you. :( I know they are your family and it's hard to do but I guess if I were in your shoes, I would force myself to be a bit radical and cut ties with "family" who never visit me, support me and who say things to hurt me.

Sorry if I sound rude and offend you :(

I'm so sorry u have to deal with this along with everything else. We cannot choose are parents. Is there anyway to talk to your father about the situation or maybe your brother?

Just done thoughts.

I want to thank all of you for your support, it means a lot. I have tried in the past to talk to my other siblings about her actions but my sister defends her and tells me to get over it, and my brothers just tell me the same, so no support there. My stepfather is the same as my mother. I have been in therapy over this and it still is hard for me to cope, I'm much better than I was.

One question for you all that is kinda why I keep going back to her abuse. She is always telling me that she loves me and misses me, if that is the case then why won't her and my dad come see me? Why does she always lie to me and talk behind my back and tell me that, " I (me) don't know what pain is)? Is that love? This is why I'm confused.

Post Edited (deborahscinder) : 12/19/2014 5:50:10 AM (GMT-7)

I am not a psychologist, nor do I dress up as one for Halloween.
But I can give you *my insight.* I don't know you or her. I am only going on what you write. Please ask your therapist these same questions as they are more familiar with you.


**I have been in therapy over this and it still is hard for me to cope, I'm much better than I was.

good to hear, keep going. Little steps if need be...forward progress!

**One question for you all that is kinda why I keep going back to her abuse.

My guess would be.....Because you want her to love you? You want her approval.

**She is always telling me that she loves me and misses me, if that is the case then why won't her and my dad come see me? Why does she always lie to me and talk behind my back and tell me that, " I (me) don't know what pain is)?


She sounds very manipulative. Some folks get their kicks from controlling others. Just like others who get kicked.

***Is that love?

That isn't my definition of love. what is yours?

Deborah,

I feel for you. I think the wife who has a husband who beats her yet says he loves her and stays loves that husband despite his violence. She knows he's flawed in a terrible way but sees another side of him too.

I think you love your mother and you want to feel loved by her desperately.

I can't remember your son's handicap but I'm wondering if your mother (family members) are unable to be comfortable in his presence? Is that why they might stay away? Do they interact with him when you are together?

Could that be why she says she loves and misses you but doesn't come?

Hmmm now I just went back and re-read and see they had been pestering you to host Christmas so I guess my guess is incorrect.