Spiritual?

So long story, but today I had a colonoscopy and they found polyps which are not common in a 34 yr old female. I had this procedure due to a rather extreme case of IBS, brought on by the traumatic events of my summer/fall (IVF/meltdown/pregnancy termination). I don't think in all my years of being a panicky gal, I've ever had it this bad. So my doctor told me that the IBS actually did me a favor because it identified polyps early and now I know that this something to look for over the years and I can take measures to prevent the possibility of colon cancer.

So I came home and cried and felt sorry for myself and then I felt like I had a wake up call. I'm not terribly religious, but I believe in God and today I felt like God actually played a part in my past 8 months. At first I felt like I was being punished for what I did. Now I think....maybe God had a hand in all that went on and that baby was with me for a short time for a reason. Maybe my meltdown was for a reason. Maybe this awful IBS was for a reason. Maybe everything that happened led me to early detection of polyps which could very well prevent something much worse from happening and now I will be safer and healthier for my son and my hubby. Maybe my daughter is literally my little angel. She came, she did what she was supposed to do and God took her home.

Maybe I'm just trying to justify the past 8 months, but I'll tell you....this feels more right than the idea that my life just sucks and I've been punished.

I just wanted to share cause it kind of felt like an attitude or perspective change and I think sometimes we can all use that.

Thanks TMA. I don't have a lot of God moments, but I do believe in my own way and to me this was like getting hit in the face with God. I've been looking for answers for months now as to how any God could watch me go through the process of trying to get pregnant, only to then watch me have this breakdown and do the unthinkable and today, it just looked like it was all so strategically planned out. It really does take some of the pain in my heart away. I think in the future I will think back to this experience and try to always see purpose behind what God is putting into motion.

I think that is a great way to look at it! I don't think it is just a way to make yourself feel better at all!

Thanks, friends.

It warms my heart to believe in something greater than just luck. No matter who or what got me to this place today, it was definitely something bigger than me and it makes me feel like it's not all for nothing. I feel like I didn't live this last 8 months for nothing. I'm still broken hearted over what could've been and how it all came to be, but the fact that I now feel like it all happened for a much bigger reason....just makes me feel more at peace. Makes me cry a little bit too. However, I cry after any type of sedation, so that could explain the tears too. ;-)

Oh Mom, I wish I'd done that!! I found meaning behind a small portion of my overall picture and that's wonderful. I'm still pissy about the rest of it! Haha! When someone finds meaning to their panic attacks, lemme know!