Slipping

I've been slipping in and out of depression lately and it is only getting worse. I feel so shattered constantly that one jibe or one prod sends me splintering off and I have to fight not to cry throughout the day. More and more I have begun taking it out on myself and hurting myself, and it is getting worse. My great uncle is dying and so our family is trying to struggle through this because he might not even make it until Christmas. I tried to drive out to see him and I took my sister, cousin and Grandma. I'm not used to driving in Novi and missed my exit going onto a different road and my Grandma kept calling me stupid as she directed me to an alternative route that would take an hour. So i turned around and she became even more mad at this, telling me I was all wrong, stupid, and that I'll make us late, with every breath.

We got there on time, but her words are still ringing in my head many hours later. It hurt the most when I was trying to drive my friends back form a dance right after and pulled too far into the intersection so when I went to back up, I hit the car behind me. Neither of the cars were damaged and the other driver wasn't mad but since this, I can't help but think that my grandma's words are true. I'm just stupid.

Constantly I find myself thinking that it would be easier just to drive off the road in an "accident" and I wouldn't have to live with everything I put myself through. But i won't, I know it. I'm too scared of death to try. But I would be free of this constant left-loathing. Wishing to be a better person. Always thinking that I'm not good enough. I just don't want to feel alone in this.

Hi, and thank you. Looks like we both have some issues tonight. There is just so much going on in my head that it is hard to think that i'm going to be ok. I'm just so tired of all of this and not being the perfect little student, or child, or even adult for the people around me. I just hope that one of these days i'll be able to see the good in myself and not see it as a lie or not good enough.

You're not alone.

And when times are trying like this, I try to look at others shortcomings to remind myself no one is perfect. When your relatives are unsupportive, it's not because of you. They cannot grasp what you are going through. And so many people bury it under anger instead of trying to understand. It's much easier to get angry than be understanding. because when someone gets mad you don't ask for help from that person.

Everyone here supports you & you are not alone. All those angry people are the lonely ones.

I applaud you!

Even though you are beside yourself with depressive feelings you took it upon yourself to help other family members by driving them to see your great uncle in his time of need. For me even in my best mental mode I am "geographically challenged " and make wrong turns...shame on grandma and her coarse words. I am not stupid and neither are you!

I had a lot on my mind once and backed right into a car behind me that I knew was there just a minute ago but racing thoughts made me forget....I caught a lot of flack for that too.

People should walk in our shoes a couple of steps before they pass judgement.

Please be kind to yourself. You sound like a good person to me- not someone who needs to strive to be better.

Hi Hibee, i'm not taking any medication or able to go to therapy. Hopefully soon thought I will be going to the doctors soon to try to get some medication or at least to know what is wrong.

Pannicgirly, you really make a good point about family. Thank you and I will try to keep it in mind. I know my dad does get angry when he doesn't understand and especially with what has been going on. So I also have to try to be understanding as well.

Thank you Scardy Cat you really make me smile. I will try to stay more positive. Hopefully even if I have to act it will be come less of an act and more of the truth. No, I am not in therapy but I would love any advice or recommendations you have to give.

Also thank you wearyRAsufferer, I'll have to use the term "geographically challenged" more often. I really try to be the best person I can be because I really don't want others to have to worry or get upset on my account because they have their own stresses to be concerned about. But I know I have to do something here about what is going on. Sometimes I do with that i could trade consciousnesses with another person so they would understand but it just doesn't work that way.

You make a good point Larry, and that's why I really want to try to get better so I don't do something completely stupid when I am very upset and downtrodden. It is very interesting what that told you and for a while I believed the opposite but now i"m starting to think that it is a combination of the two. There will be people who love you for who you are and can help you see the good in you when you can't. But you also have to be able to see the good in yourself to be able to grow and allow people to love you. It is quite an interesting chicken and egg scenario that works differently for each person I believe.

R&T,

Here are two great sites that may help you deal with negative and/or depressive feelings. It is easy to navigate, and I have found it very helpful myself in identifying detrimental thinking patterns.

Free on-line CBT programs:

http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

 

If you find that you need more help to feel your best, then seeking one on one therapy/counseling is a great option as well...and again...one I found much benefit in! :)

All the best... and keep posting with us. We care and are here to support!

S.C.