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Feeling like I just can't win...

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Posted 1/14/2015 9:32 PM (GMT 0)
For MONTHS I've been anxious about my mom leaving for Florida for the winter and now when we're heading to Florida and I'll see her for a couple days, I'm getting totally anxious again. I feel like I can't win.

I'm anxious about the flight, because we're traveling down with some friends and I always feel uncomfortable when people see me in a panicked state. I also feel like I'm leaving home where I feel safe. I mean good gracious, I'm only going to Florida! And my mom will be there. In my head I just picture so many worst case scenarios when all I want to picture is our beautiful hotel and playing on the beach with my son.

My breathing sucks right now and I've had a headache for days. I'm just not feeling awesome. I also have this awful feeling that tears are stuck in my eyes and they desperately want to come out.

I tried Zoloft over the summer and my doctor took me off of it, but I'm considering asking him if I should try again. I just feel stuck in this panic cycle. My fear is though, what happens when I don't wanna be on Zoloft anymore. I'm afraid to wean off. Im scared of taking anything new. I know I need to practice my breathing more. I just feel yucky today. Nervous to fly, nervous to leave my home, my doctor, my dog, my therapist, the hospital that is 5 minutes away from my house. I'm letting the anxiety kick my butt right now and I need to stop it.
Posted 1/15/2015 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
Have you had this experience prior? Did you make it through?
Posted 1/15/2015 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, John. This is basically just what I needed. I've made many trips since becoming a person with panic and while the trips may not have been as blissful as I would've liked, I definitely lived to tell the tale.

I got carried away. Sending you a giant huge for reeling me back in.
Posted 1/15/2015 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
Oh man, I know that "can't win" feeling. It's all too easy to let it just take over. But I just want you to know that I think you are a strong lady, and that you can and will make it through this. Battling with anxiety is tough stuff.... try and take baby steps to tackle this issue.

You are strong. You are brave. You are courageous. You have been through a lot, and this is going to be a piece of cake for you. Once that travel day arrives, just go with the happy flow. Try to embrace the moment. :D

As for your SSRI, have you ever considered Lexapro? You've probably seen me posting around about it, but I just have had such a wonderful experience with it that I can't seem to be quiet about it. :P
Posted 1/15/2015 12:41 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, TMA. I appreciate that. My girlfriend has been singing the praises of Lexapro for awhile now, so I'm considering asking my doctor about it when I see him next. How long have you been on it?
Posted 1/15/2015 12:44 AM (GMT 0)
I've been taking it since April of last year. I recently upped the dosage to 5 mg and plan to possibly go higher once I am done weaning my baby girl. Maybe next week. :D I'm glad I'm not the only one hyped up on Lexapro. :D

Just a question, but do they generally try to travel you in the back of the plane when you have your son with you? They did this to us last year, and I was simply disappointed about it! :0/
Posted 1/15/2015 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
I think it's just anticipatory anxiety Park. I think you're going to have an awesome time when you get down there!! Sun, warmth, family...you got this.

As for medication... Have you ever tried buspar? It's a mild anti anxiety medication that I take. The only side effect I had was getting lightheaded about 20 minutes after I took the morning dose for about a half hour. But it can be remedied by eating before taking the pill or taking a smaller dose in the mornings. It might be worth a try since there are no discontinuation symptoms. I rarely feel like I'm on anything and I don't get weird feeling when I miss a dose. But just like SSRI's, buspar doesn't work for everyone and it does take quite a bit of time to get into your system, as it has a really short half life (4-5 hours).
Posted 1/15/2015 12:47 AM (GMT 0)
Oh my gosh, my girlfriend loves it.

As far as where we fly....I'm ashamed to say that I've only flown once with Parker and we paid extra money to fly first class. We didn't fly the best airline so it wasn't terrible, but if I fly in the front of the plane, it's basically a life changing experience for me! In the back I feel like a cramped sardine sittining between all those people and with others lining up to use the bathroom. I simply lose my mind. I'm not actually afraid to fly, it's more a claustrophobia thing or a lack of control thing. When I'm up front by the pilots, I feel safer. No idea why!
Posted 1/15/2015 12:49 AM (GMT 0)
M2G&Q,

So here's a bizarre story. Years ago I took Buspar and my doctor says it worked for me. I tried it recently while pregnant because it's category B and I had an allergic reaction and my eyes swelled up like balloons? I was so disappointed!
Posted 1/15/2015 12:51 AM (GMT 0)
I do wonder if the Buspar thing was a generic vs. non-generic thing but its not written down in my history.
Posted 1/15/2015 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
Megan,

I didn't think that'd be helpful at all. Pleasantly surprised.
Posted 1/15/2015 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
Seriously.... That is AWESOME! First class would be amazing! Our tickets are usually gifted to us, so we don't get to choose where we sit.... but hey, that'd BE AMAZING!

We've never been stuck in the back of the plane before, and when I brought my baby girl with us last year, I assumed they put us back there because we had a baby (8 weeks old) and a 3 year old at that time. The back of the plane makes me SUPER anxious too. Seriously.... claustrophobia express! I think this year I will stand my ground and refuse to sit in the back of the plane!! :D I'm going to call the airlines tomorrow and get our seats lined up!
Posted 1/15/2015 1:05 AM (GMT 0)
John,

You didn't think that would be helpful, so why say it? :-P I thought you were trying to make a point and it made sense to me. I have had this experience before and I survived it, so I'm just complaining about something that I know I can do.

TMA,

My husband does NOT love the whole first class thing and we've only done that one time, but we do usually go on ahead of time when we book tickets and do our seat selection. Sitting towards the front makes all the difference to me. It was literally life changing. I was happy and relaxed and remembered that I love traveling! Don't let them stick you in the back with those kiddos!
Posted 1/15/2015 1:07 AM (GMT 0)
Megan,

Well, I didn't think it'd be THAT helpful. I saw all the views the thread got with no response and wanted to get the ball rolling.
Posted 1/15/2015 1:14 AM (GMT 0)
Ha!! Well thanks for that! It was helpful though. Sometimes the simplest thing is what we need to hear. Your simple question was logical and you really asked the exact right thing. I have done this many times and I have survived. End of story. I just needed that tiny reminder. You know how it is. When you're in panic mode, all logic goes out the window. I'm a logical person though and you pointed out something that I somehow forgot. I can do this. And if I have a panic attack, oh well. I have them all the time, so who cares?

My new attitude. So who cares?
Posted 1/15/2015 1:18 AM (GMT 0)
Bummer about the buspar :( It only comes in generic, no brand name anymore.
Posted 1/15/2015 1:23 AM (GMT 0)
Not name brand anymore? Boo is right! I have such anxiety about new meds, but when my doctor said I'd taken it before I was thrilled. I couldn't believe I swelled up like that! Oh well.
Posted 1/15/2015 1:30 AM (GMT 0)
Megan,

Right! I slipped in the icy parking lot at work today and panicked because of my surgical history. I got very sore. Then I remembered I slipped worse in the past. I had testing after and all good.
Posted 1/15/2015 1:34 AM (GMT 0)
Well there ya go! And also, any of us would be sore if we slipped and landed on our booties! That stinks though. I hate winter. I need to relocate to somewhere gorgeous where it's 75 and sunny always. I feel like 75 is such a nice temp.
Posted 1/15/2015 1:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Park. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Just focus on being able to spend time with your mom. That will be great, I know how much you've missed her!

I know what you mean about first class. I do a million times better flying that way. That's a good idea to at least sit towards the front. The back is just too much to handle for me!

I hope you have a great time. I know you'll do fine. Like someone else said, you've been through so much, this is nothing! You got this!
Posted 1/15/2015 1:41 AM (GMT 0)
Megan,

75 degrees is perfect. I didn't fall, but my body was jerked around.
Posted 1/15/2015 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, MG!

I've been thinking a lot lately about everything from this summer and I've decided that I'm stuck in this cycle because I'm afraid of somehow slipping back to that place. I know it's not likely because it was such a unique circumstance, but I'm afraid if it happened once, it could happen again. Instead of giving myself credit for surviving such a scary time, I just keep thinking about how weak I was. I think a lot of it has to do with the regret I have about the outcome of the situation, but that's just something I have to keep working through in therapy and at home. I am so glad 2015 is here, because 2014 is definitely a year that I'd like to forget!

Thanks for always supporting me from the very beginning, MG. Your words have carried me through more than I could ever explain!
Posted 1/15/2015 1:43 AM (GMT 0)
John,

Gotcha. I understand the concern then, when your body gets all twisty.
Posted 1/15/2015 1:44 AM (GMT 0)
Megan,

It might almost be better to fall. May tense up less.
Posted 1/15/2015 1:44 AM (GMT 0)
Speaking of supportive words, has anyone heard from Cornell!? Is he doing well? I miss him!
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