turtle anxiety.

I am practicing what I preach. I am doing some deep breathing exercises. anxiety has hit the last few days; I am in it now. so I type and deep breath and focus and hold and release. I have been relying on the abilify to aide my chaotic thoughts, thus the anxiety. my fiancé, she busy with job seekers training, so I have only seen her once in seven days. will see her Saturday. it would be better if I was there, the anxiety of not being there, and knowing I will have to come back again is causing me great anxiety. I have been full on busy, since I have slowed down, the thoughts, par for the course, this is where we need to keep focused, in these times.

I am in a funk, sort of hate life at the moment. mum's stuff sis stuff, bro stuff, my stuff-which I am keeping from showing-as I have to be strong for the rest. hibernation would be nice, wake up all refreshed, the sun is out, and plenty of food and water around. pipe dream. demented dreams of late. some of the content is bizarre, some sickening. I know they are just dreams, but so vivid. oh well. I guess that is life. been doing some stuff today, am pushing myself. life can be tiring. life can be..........whatever it can be, more-so, what you want-need to be.

just lately I feel, why was I born? I am over misery. my therapist apt comes up soon, thus I will refrain from purging here. I think I will jump into the shower and let the warm water run down the nape of my neck. thx for listening.

thx for the reassuring words hibee. hope you are doin' okay.

you can borrow my shell for a bit. might be a bit tight for two. I like my space!! here for ya.

Sending you happy turtle thoughts.

Stay strong HT- you are more resilient than you think. Keep using your coping skills and get your second wind.
I am feeling much the same...I have to put my ear buds in and try to fall asleep listening to mindful meditation. I sleep and have disturbing dreams, awake and start my worry cycle. I finally fall back to sleep to have my alarm go off and I start all over again-fighting everyone's battles and trying to make everyone all better. No wonder you feel like hibernating.
Why were you born? For the good of all you care for- you're one in a million!

I am shot to pieces, and in a dazed and confused state I am actually laughing. it's like, well at the moment it is crap, so be it. I have done a lot of work today, and in the state I am in I am amazed. I hope I don't go back to the dreaded insomnia. it is heading that way. well the sleep maintaince component. I will try for later tonight. I was doing okay up until 2 weeks ago. bugger. it terms of my bro's, it is actually my turn. other sis is not wanting it, and the other is living it up in Europe, somewhere. she has opted out of the family. just dropped an abilify. I hope I can sleep some tonight. 2 weeks till my therapist, no word from my shrink. I am not chasing him. I know I am a burden to him. the classic AC/DC track 'problem child' that's me.

today I hate myself a little. just for being sick, and sick and tired of being it. the turtle has cracks in his shell. I have no doubts, just wish that one or two circumstances were a little different. heck I have paid my dues in life, repented and copped some serious karma for things I deserved........back when I was young and messed up.

I am just having a whinge. I want to go to the pub, bugger my sis has my card, and rightly so! till later.
regards,
Jamie.

thx mate. epoxy sounds good. love ya mate.

I am pretty tough, had to be. needed to be; I can be just a vulnerable as the next person, just I do it in a different way than expression. (mostly) it's like, if I am not fighting, I am dying. I am not defined by circumstance, however the severe trauma that was inflicted on me was barbaric and savage; even though it is done with- it did Expletive me up and progressed into the mental manifestation of extreme mental illness.

update. have been avoidance coping. yesterday was a nice day thus I chopped some apple tree not in bloom and an apricot tree. it has not produced in awhile. tree is dead, so most of that is chopped and some over hanging stuff. I am doing zero today. a few e-mails and a little posting. I am playing a complication: the essential judas priest. sleep was chaotic. just thought i'd say a few words.

ty. will do. blah morning. my sign on the door with a few choice words is up. going for a kip.