How to cope with terminally ill family member

ok i'm sure you all have heard me voice my concerns before about my sick sister with cancer.

well, she started chemo again a few months ago and her tumor markers were going down. well, when i was at her house a few weeks ago, she showed me a hard bump in her stomach. she just had a scan and found out it is another liver tumor. i'm so devastated for her. what makes it harder is she is such a private, keep her emotions to herself kind of person. i saw her saturday when me and my sons went to visit our family to all paint ceramics. it was fun but she was moody and tired. i haven't much at all from her since.

her chemo has thrown her into menopause which doesn't help her mood. but her doctor's appt. last week has thrown her into a deeper depression i think. he told her the chemo wasn't doing much so she has stopped. she is searching for a natural cure but i fear there is nothing to be done now. i'm so heartbroken and feeling selfish because she won't open up to me. it took everything for her just to tell us what little she did about the dr. appt. she won't go into any details and asks that we don't ask.

i'm trying to stay calm and positive but i fear she will pass one day and i won't have said what i need to say or want to say or grieve with her. she has told me multiple times when i expressed i wished she would open up to me that she cries and opens up to her husband and that's all she needs. i feel so left out and i guess makes me feel unimportant to her. everyone is different i know but my family says to just leave her alone. i feel i'm not grieving like i should be - i hardly ever cry and when i do it's not for long. i feel anxious lately and wish i could release my emotions better. ugh

anyone else been through this with a family member who won't open up? it sucks!!!!

This is such a tough situation, because it seems selfish in a way of her to not let anyone but her husband in. Then again, maybe she can't handle others crying over her. Have you talked with her husband? Maybe you can explain to him how you feel, and he can talk with her about the need to give other family members a chance to voice their concerns/say their goodbyes etc.

If she just won't talk with you, I'd write her a letter. Not necessarily give it to her just yet, but write down what you are feeling. Tell her how it hurts you that you can't be there for her. Tell her everything that you want/need to say to her.

Give her a little time and then ask her if the two of you can talk about the situation. If she says no, say well, I wrote you a letter, because there are things I need to say to you for my own closure. You can read it or not, and give it to her. She will likely read it.

If nothing else, maybe the letter will help you release your pent up emotions.

Hi hazelnut86 - I lost my mom to lung cancer in 2014 and it sounds like she and your sister share similar personalities. She also did not like to talk about her illness and often kept everything to herself unless she knew she had to share it (surgeries, chemo appts, etc.) It's hard not to take offense to this but know it's her own way of protecting you all. It's not because you're not important to her. Like Hibee said, the best thing you can do is just be there for her if she does decide to reach out to you. As far as not feeling like you're grieving as you should be. Everyone feels their feelings differently. I only ever cried when no one else was around. My own way of protecting people. Everything about what you and your family going through is hard and it sucks, but it sounds like you're a great sister and have been doing your best given a horrible situation. Sending lots of loving and positive thoughts your way!

H.N.,

I want to echo the condolences and good advice above.

I am so saddened to hear this latest update.:(


Have you looked into a GriefShare chapter in your area? You can find them at many local churches, or check out their site on line. Let me know if you'd like the link.

Sending you hugs and my sympathies...and of course ongoing prayers for her, you and the family.

S.C.