Mentally ill graduate student, anxiety and over-achiever traits

First off, I am a first-semester physics PhD student at Minnesota. I had latent anxiety issues for years but never did it get to the point where I could give up on that aspiration because of my mental health. The issues became too severe for me to ignore when the midterm grades were returned to the students in the two mandatory courses I dropped due to the intense amounts of stress they caused. The receipt of said grades happened in early November.

It was disappointing especially since there were massive discrepancies in homework grades vs. midterm grades. Clearly I understood the material just fine, especially since I would try to do the homework on my own, before everyone else starts (and sometimes I could finish homework sets before other people even start) so I know my anxiety is not caused by any intellectual failure. And also I could grade thermodynamics homework just fine; I think it contributed nothing towards my pains since I could still do it just as I used to before the pains cropped up. I made a point to grade these homework as fast as possible since prompt grading would help the students' understanding and learning.

Due to the amount of pain these courses caused, I dropped them, knowing that I would have to retake them at a later point. I spent some time this month trying to understand the pains, where they came from, before I could actually go to therapy, where I asked for an anxiety test and my anxiety was diagnosed as severe. I also thought it would make me feel better once the coursework is over if I somehow improved my PhD GPA over my masters one (that is, if I finished the coursework stage with 3.80+). And I also know that comfort with the material would make me much more comfortable doing research that built on it; as such, poor grades would make me much less comfortable. Now, I understand that there is some disconnect between coursework and research, especially if I somehow did experimental or observational research.

Because of the long lead times to get seen for mental health with university mental health services, I had to wait three weeks to get an appointment and so, in the meantime, I somehow relied on the departmental secretary for support (and almost as if I was using her as a therapist without referring to her as such). All the progress I made with her was that I am now convinced it was not due to some loss of intellectual functions. But my sleep quality deteriorated, my brain fries much more easily now (even though I can still do everything I used to be able to do). And then I got referred in the community for therapy.

However, exercising my waiver options on the first two quantum mechanics courses turned out to be a good move on my part since I'm doing just fine in the third graduate-level QM course, without it causing me nearly as much stress or anxiety as the other courses I dropped. (I technically have three courses left but the other two require no real work on my part and have no substantive physics content, but I have only one course with actual physical content left) So I have made a list of what contributed and what didn't contribute to my anxiety:

What contributed:

• Unhealthy relationship to a prospective research topic
  
• The discrepancy between homework and midterm grades
  
• The weight placed by prospective research advisors on graduate-level grades (especially one of the top two choices; the other cares more about a course I have yet to take than any other course)
  
• The weight I place on my academic performance at large in my self-esteem (perhaps unhealthy, too; I suspect I will have to work on that as well)
  

What did not contribute:

• Life away from home; it's my first time living away from home - and abroad at that
  
• Finances
  
• Language issues
  
• My TA duties
  
• My work ethic
  
• The departmental environment (no PhD program would have a 80% graduation rate without at least some humane treatment of grad students)
  

By now I would say that, if it was only about intellectual capability, I would be able to carry a PhD to completion since other students at my level graduated with the very degree I am seeking, from that very physics department, in the past. I can be brilliant when I am healthy, but when mental illness strikes...

Given the above, should I simply drop out or I should attempt to return (mental health pending)? In both cases, I will return home after the semester is over, continue either medication or therapy. Actually I think therapy should be tried first.

But one shouldn't overlook what makes me look like an overachiever and not:

- For me to be able to process and implement criticism, said criticism has to be constructive; if the criticism is constructive, however, I can accept it just fine
- I may be pinning my self-worth on my academic performance to an extent
- If a certain threshold is met in absolute terms, I do not care about my rank anymore (if I had an A and the average was an A as well, or similar)
- I might hold high expectations; while I do not want a perfect record "per se", I have little maneuvering room between my target GPA and a perfect one; given that Ws are nonpunitive, I'd rather have a W than a B at this point
- It's hard to set high expectations of myself in something if I am a rookie at that particular thing
- There is a time for perfection (or near-perfection) and there is a time for failure
- It's easier to set high expectations for something when the benchmarks for performance are clear and I actually have experience with that particular thing; the more experience I have for something, the less tolerance for failure I have for that

Hi

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your introduction.

Sorry to hear you have been dealing with anxiety it is tough to live with and can cause all sorts of symptoms both mental and physical.

The good news is lots can be done to help and it sounds like you are on the right track with Therapy if possible ask your therapist if they do CBT as this is very effective.

In the meantime have a look at our resources thread for some useful links to self help guides.

Stay with us and keep posting we are here for you.

Hibee

Probably want to pursue CBT once I return home... and do some mental health volunteering.

Scaredy Cat said...
Hello and welcome,

While I don't care for the term idiots due to its derogatory connotations. ..

I will agree that those who suffer A/P are statistically of high intellect.

...and as such, we should take these high functioning brains cells and learn all we can about managing our challenges!

Yes, there has been research that showed that people who suffer from A/P seem to be of higher intellect than those who don't, but my point was that A/P inflicts more damage on people with high intellect than on people of low intellect.

that's rubbish; demeaning and invalidating. learn some compassion. this is to do with the poster saying about people with a higher intellect are impacted more. along those lines.

yes do some mental health volunteering, at the coalface. I am a consumer, and mental health advocate and found your statement offensive; regardless of actualised research.

ps. sadly academia does not teach compassion, it is forged by awareness and understanding, something the academic world must learn. I have been on both sides of the spectrum, and until you have been you will never get it. some mindfulness training would be apt for you I feel. cbt is far benign for you, being so well versed, maybe a hard nose course in dbt will awaken your mind.

and I shall.........within the rules.......of course. as you know guys, I take no prisoners when it comes to mental health stigma and awareness and any derogatory statements, be it actualised, reported or otherwise. cheers.

I am vision impaired, but I know what I read and wrote. the pertinent information was regarding your invalidation and lack of understanding in regards to those with impaired intellect in regards to anxiety and panic disorder. it is you who is either being deflective, or did you not understand my post? or are you actually a university graduate? you know what, it matters not. only you can learn from real life experience. writing papers, ha! knowing people, compassion and empathy are not subjects of any degree I have heard of, expect what we have, that is life. I am an academic, in part, that's why my frustration is more so apparent-but I am a person first. everything else is just et al.

dbt, 12 yrs. been at it when I first went into treatment-inpatient for borderline personality disorder.

I was at uni, was so mentally unwell I had a few attempts and was hospitalised. I deferred, lost my place. I got in as a senior student, I did stacks of pre-req. I have other quals, I went back a few years ago and was unable to concentrate. I live with anxiety, bi-polar and borderline personality disorder. I guess I am somewhat addressing your post. uni is not everything. I have learnt more being a youth worker, voluntary, working with disabled kids and driving a school bus as a volunteer the best learning I have ever had. I have done a couple of presentations on mental health to second year med students and mental health advocacy. being homeless for 3 years and 28 psych admissions with a course of ECT has opened my eyes up to the plight of systemic unseen conditions. homelessness, shame, fear and darkness and pain.

so, my suggestion, live some life. volunteer in a public psych hospital just listening to patients. it is amazing what you will hear if you listen with your eyes rather than your ears. do something creative for a bit, other than study, becomes to singular and you become a stick in the mud. do something zany, I do everyday. I like walking backwards, gives me a giggle when I see people giggle. I embarrass my sis by just cutting into conversations on the train, on a topic of interest and put my hand out and say, hi I am Jamie. everyone is head down praying to their expletive phones!!!

some time away from study and real life experience will do 2 things. it will develop you, your understanding of life and people, and therefore your academic work. you might actually learn a thing or two. cheers.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Do remember, though, that there are many gradients between perfection and failure. A gifted person can be a bit below perfection and still be brilliant. Some of it may be about setting priorities. In what areas is perfection a realistic goal and worth what you give up to achieve it? In what areas could you be comfortable with a general knowledge of the topic? No one can be the most knowledgeable about everything; we do have to give others a turn to know more or be better once in a while. It's been said that Albert Einstein was dyslexic, and read at a late age. If he had decided this labeled him a failure, think what our world would have lost.

You might also want to take a good look at yourself. It's easy to allow intellect to completely identify us and to become overly proud of an inborn strength. We don't earn intelligence; it's bestowed upon us by God, or Fate, or whatever your belief system dictated. We can also lose it easily and instantly in any of a number of ways. It's only one component of who you are, and I'm sure there are others just as attractive about you.

I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you, that is appreciated!

Keep working on your goals, both academically and for anxiety management.

Judy has given you some excellent input above (thank you Judy) that can be taken to heart, and put into good use.

Peace and progress,

S.C.