Posted 3/1/2016 6:19 PM (GMT 0)
I'm new to this website. Just need some form of release and support from people who are not judgmental. Here is my story.
One year ago, I was working for an awful boss. Constant yelling, belittling and constant emotional abuse. I always thought I was strong but I think this boss found every insecurity and just cracked me wide open. I saw a doctor and he diagnosed me with GAD (generalized anxiety). I was started on low dose control meds and emergency xanax. Eventually, I was broken down enough that I was put on depression meds, though they did not work for me. They made me have fits of rage and I couldn't take them anymore. I got a new job, with no less stress and once again my anxiety meds were upped. Finally found a new job where my anxiety seemed to be under control until recently. I was recently upped on my anxiety meds once again and put on Zoloft as a mood stabilizer to help control my crippling anxiety. I haven't felt this good in years. My moods are evening out and I feel happier. But last night I had the worst panic attack to date. Had me seriously considering going to the ER because I couldn't calm down but the Xanax finally work.
My emotional roller coaster was too much yesterday. My live in boyfriend is an alcoholic who would rather drink every night/day than spend time with me. His idea of spending quality time with me, is going to the bar. While I like drinking and enjoy spending time with him....I'd just rather not go to the bar ALL THE TIME. Yesterday was my birthday and he took the day off to spend with me (or so I thought), I had an appointment to go to and after I was done, he told me to meet him at the bar. I had asked him that morning to accompany me out to my parents house for my birthday dinner. He said he would go, but proceeded to get drunk and then refused to come with me. I went on with my plans with my family. When I finally got home about 9:00, he was gone. I called him....he was back at the bar. Said he would be home in 20 minutes. Well 20 minutes turned into 2 hours. I tried going to sleep and almost got to sleep when my heart started racing, I sat up to try and slow my heart rate down but then I started hyperventilating. Chest pains. I thought I was dying. Tried calling my boyfriend to get him to come home in case I needed to go to the ER and he sent my call to voicemail, then texted me saying he would be 5 minutes. Well what seemed like an eternity later, he finally comes home and sees the state I am in. I'm just trying to calm down and deal with the anxiety attack, all the while his refusal to answer my phone call and/or come home just made things worse. I was mad, having a panic attack, and stressing about possibly going to the ER. I said "this is why I called you!" all he can say is "oh". He finally got me calmed down but I am still dealing with a lot of resentment. I truly don't know how to approach him about this. But that's a cause for another day I suppose. I am still tired from the panic attack last night. The big ones leave me feeling empty....like I just used all my emotional juice and there is nothing left.
The Zoloft and the increased maintenance anxiety meds have me feeling even but sometimes I wonder if feeling even is worth it. Like I cannot get too worked up over things that used to really upset me. Like being second fiddle to a bar and alcohol. I can't talk to my parents about any of this....they are extremely judgmental and don't believe in depression or anxiety. Think that they are just the person not trying hard enough to deal with things. They also don't like my boyfriend all that much, before the Zoloft I would call my mom crying about my boyfriends alcoholism. She tried to be understanding but she and my dad may be at the end of their rope. I want them to like him but I also want him to try harder to be likable. His family loves me.....guess he just doesn't care. At the end of the day maybe that is what I truly feel. I don't feel like he cares about me. I'm truly at a loss sometimes.....like there is a no winning and I just should stop trying. Not give up on life completely, just lower my expectations and deal with the crap people keep throwing at me. I just don't know.
Writing all this out helps a little, but I wonder do I need to be seeing a therapist? I cannot afford one and I am afraid that they would want my boyfriend to come with me and he will not. He's a veteran with PTSD, he does not like doctors or therapists.