Posted 3/21/2016 7:38 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry for the long post, I just feel it's important for everyone to get the full picture of what has been going on...
I am new to the forum and joined to get some support/advise on restarting my Lexapro with a recent dosage increase. The whole story goes like this: I have severe generalized anxiety disorder with newly developed panic attacks, however, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder, GERD, and IBS at the age of 13 and placed on Lexapro 10 mg and medications to manage the stomach/bowel issues by my pediatrician. I did really well for approximately 12 years on this dosage. Until approximately 4 months ago. I had been noticing that my anxiety associated nausea was returning, so I made an appointment with my GP who suggested increasing the Lexapro to 20 mg and going to counseling (which I had never done, since the meds working and I had a normal high-school and college experience on the meds). I asked if there were side effects that I could expect and she told me no, you will only feel better and there is no need to titrate up to the full 20 mg; just start the 20 mg tablet tomorrow morning. I did this and about an hour after taking my first 20 mg dosage, I had my first panic attack while in the shower (racing heart, dizziness, general feeling of "what is this medication doing to me??!!). I guess I never realized how strong this medication was. Which led me to google the side effects of Lexapro and thus began my spiral and hatred of this medication. Due to the horror stories I read on the internet, I decided that I would stop the medication by myself (without talking to my GP). Bad idea. I did a fast taper of only 2 weeks (10 mg daily, then 5 mg daily, then off). I found myself living Lexapro free for about 2 months and was coping okay, and although the anxiety was still there, I was managing. Then gradually, I started to have severe insomnia, restless legs, and feeling jittery (along with GI side effects, which I attributed to Lexapro withdrawal). This was then followed by severe anxiety, panic attacks, and later, depressed thoughts, which only fueled my anxiety, as I have a huge fear of becoming suicidal and landing in the hospital. I realized that my brain evidently needed medication to function properly. I went back to my GP and she gave me a script for Zoloft 25 mg (which my father takes for anxiety...should also be noted that anxiety disorders run heavily in my family). However, she traumatized me by telling me that I was "mentally ill, refusing to help myself, and (when I asked about possible pregnancy and Zoloft in the future", she told me that I was not stable and should never have children". After that visit, I sat in my car and cried for 30 minutes, feeling broken, hopeless, and scared to death that I would never be normal. After talking to my parents, it was determined that I should not go back to that GP and should find another one. Coincidentally, I work at a doctor's office and one of the providers offered to treat me; I accepted. The provider I have now is very empathetic and tries her best to help me. She convinced me to try the Zoloft 25 mg. I was so scared of meds at this point (still am) that I only agreed to take the medication while at work, so she would be there if something went wrong. about 3 hours after taking it, my panic skyrocketed and I panicked. I took the next two days off of work and stayed in bed in a constant panic, for which I was prescribed the lowest dose of Klonopin. I took the Klonopin twice, but discovered that it seemed to make my depressed thoughts worse; I didn't want to get out of bed or even shower. This scared me even more. After talking with my provider again, she decided to put me back on the Lexapro starting with 5 mg and after 5 days, going to 10 mg. I have been on the 10 mg dosage for the past 3.5 weeks with only improvements in the insomnia and depressive symptoms. The panic is still very much there. Today, I spoke with my provider again after experiencing panic attacks over the weekend (associated with my mom leaving after a 2 week visit). She decided that since the Lexapro demonstrated some improvement in the depression, it might still be an okay med for me, but that maybe I just needed a higher dose. So, today, she had me take an additional 5 mg on my lunch break; bringing my daily dosage to 15 mg for today. As a type this, it has been about 3 hours since I took the extra 5 mg and panic level is the same (which I am okay with, as I was most afraid of increased panic; I don't think I can handle any more than this). I should also mention that I have been seeing a CBT therapist for approximately 1 month as well. I am trying to practice coping mechanisms, but my panic is still too strong at the moment. My questions at this point are:
1) Is there still a chance that the Lexapro will work for me again? I've read so many scary things about starting/stopping and that you won't ever get any relief once you stop an ssri. I did notice start-up side effects this time, that I did not have last time (loss of appetite, nausea, panic...but, these could all be my anxiety too...hard to tell with me; I'm a mess at the moment).
2) How long should I now wait on the 15 mg before noticing a difference? I am terrified to try any other meds.
3) Will I ever get back to the way I was on the Lexapro during high-school/college, or am I now doomed?
I appreciate any positive comments and support (please, no negative comments; I am negative enough for everyone on here). I do have a great supportive family, and fiancé (getting married in 2 months also, so I realize that I may be rushing my recovery a bit in an effort to enjoy my wedding), but I feel like I need support/encouragement from a stranger who has lived through this hell and came out alive and well.