The primary manifestation of my anxiety is that I do something (usually a mistake or a lapse of judgment), and later regret it, and worry about
the potential consequences. (This had been going on for around 4 years, though maybe it happened earlier in my life too, but the first major episode I remember was about
4 years ago)
Sometimes these feelings are EXTREMELY intense. I am feeling that now, for example. It was so bad that I was literally punching myself in the face because I was so mad at myself. The worry is so intense that I cannot focus on anything else.
To make matters worse, I was 5 hours away from home at the time and did not have any meds with me. I asked a few friends where I was for a benzo but nobody had one. So I borrowed a sleeping pill, which enabled me to get a few hour sleep, and then I drove the 5 hours home this morning, took a xanax, and went to sleep for a few hours. But when I woke up, I feel almost just as bad -- intense fear and really mad at myself.
All the stuff people say, such as "you are too hard on yourself" or "everyone makes mistakes" or "it will probably turn out to be ok" or "try to relax" -- are all well intended. But honestly these comments do me no good at all. They are just like empty platitudes.
It has been a couple of years since I have been in therapy (other than marriage counseling). But I am going to find a shrink and get back into it. It is a lot of effort and mental energy (and cost, and time), as you all know, but I cannot keep living like this...
I am sad, and tired, and worried, and worn out. Something is wrong with me...
Post Edited (medved) : 4/30/2016 5:43:21 PM (GMT-6)