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Please Allow Scaredy a Rant and a Hiss!!!

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Posted 10/17/2016 3:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hello family,

I am coming to you for some understanding and to let off some steam...:/

A little background. Our youngest daughter has been dealing with some depression/self esteem struggles lately. Nothing alarming or unusual for her age...but I am picking it up on my radar, and of course want to be pro-active about it and keep an eye on the situation.

I got her started her on Moodgym, which she will work through, since I think highly of the program...(and pursue therapy if necessary after working the self help)

...this, along with opening up more dialogue and encouraging her to talk with us is step one of attempting to help her through this phase.

Saturday night as we all were talking, I once again encouraged her to be open and talk to us if she ever feels like she's becoming overwhelmed with her feelings...

...at which point my husband chimes in with, "Yeah, and remember all that you are going through? First world problems, really."

At that point I gave him 'the look'...as in STFU...and continued to tell her how important it is to deal with the feelings we have, and to always reach out!

...but he was not to be derailed...and continued to talk...to the point of..."Just be happy...you've got it good."

At this point, I whisper/growled, "You need to stop talking now."

Being one who has never struggled with a drop of Serotonin missing from his brain...this is hard to take.

Is it hard for him to relate? Of course...

...but then one would think he would be quiet...empathetic...?

Nope.

I asked him to read a really good article from 'The Mighty' last night. It was basically what NOT to say to someone struggling with A/D.

He read it, and eventually apologized and said he would try to be more understanding...

I have come to peace with the fact that he will not acknowledge or try to understand what I deal with...but I am not prepared to watch him have the same attitude towards his daughter.

This mamma bear is seeing red....

S.C.
Posted 10/17/2016 5:42 PM (GMT 0)
Aww. That sucks!

I would think after the years of struggle you've been through together that he would know enough to at least keep his mouth shut.
Is he rolling his eyes and thinking "There goes my wife, blowing it all out of proportion"?
Probably.
"Just be happy...you've got it good". Nothing like adding a layer of guilt on top.
It sounds like you've had a "nice talk" about how his attitude and comments are actually hurtful and will make your daughter feel worse, not better.

However, my wife suffered from severe health anxiety before I ever had any kind of anxiety issue and I am guilty of not understanding how A/D affects someone to the core. I do now, and I feel badly about the things that went through my head while she was in the midst of a severe attack.
When I didn't get it, I mean I didn't get it. My rational mind just couldn't comprehend that kind of irrationality. Like a dog trying to understand brain surgery.

As a sufferer, I think it can be a two way street. I know for a fact that someone who has never been through it can never truly understand how it feels.
I also have felt the anger and unhappiness of thinking "I know on a certain level that you don't understand what I'm feeling, but why can't you just understand what I'm feeling!" while forgetting just how incomprehensible what we feel really is to someone whose never been there.

I hope you give him a good smack upside the head when he says something stupid, and remember that no matter what he sees you go through and what your daughter goes through, he just doesn't get it.
His comments may not have been thought through, but I'm sure he genuinely cares and wants her to feel better.

I recommend a nine iron or one of those little teeny bats they used to give away at baseball games.

Hugs to you and your family Scaredy. I hope your daughter feels the love and support you both want her to have. We here at HW love your kindness and compassion for us!
Posted 10/17/2016 6:11 PM (GMT 0)
hubby and I will have beer and chat.

your the best sc. we love ya.
Posted 10/17/2016 6:28 PM (GMT 0)
Ahh, SC, you're a good mama lion trying to protect her cub.

I'm glad he read the article and realized that he had made a mistake. Sometimes dads just really don't get it, do they?

I had a father who was similar in that respect, but what really helped me, is having a mama who did everything she could to let me know that she was there no matter way. And I know E has that with you, and she's blessed because of it <3
Posted 10/17/2016 6:47 PM (GMT 0)
SC,

You sound like a magnificent mama. And your mister seems just a little bit dense, but it's good that he was willing to read the article you gave him and see that maybe he did more harm than good by making light of a problem that is very real to someone.

My best friend in my formative years (the dreaded early teens) didn't understand anxiety. Heck, I didn't know it was a thing either at that time, but she made light of all my worries ."You'll be fine" and "you're a brain on legs you have nothing to worry about". It hurt a LOT that she would dismiss my fears so easily and when I had confided in her.

I look to you as an example of someone with anxiety who has succeeded in a way I'm worried I never will. Married, children, job, home, and armed with the tools to make it all work even with some funky neurochemistry. Best wishes in all your future endeavors! I'm sure it will work out. And best wishes to your daughter, too. I'm fresh from my teen years and remember them all too well.
Posted 10/17/2016 7:28 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks family...I love you all!!

Rspwed.....thanks for a glimpse from both sides...I wonder how much 'fear of the unknown'/denial (ignore it and maybe it'll go away) plays into it?

H.T.....it's a date! I know you could perfectly explain things.:)

Blu's....thanks for reassuring me that one parent's understanding makes a difference!

Hadricat....yes, my daughter sounds a lot like you..
extremely intelligent and driven...but that can have its burdens, can't it? Thanks for the compliments...you will accomplish all I have ...and even beyond! ;)


***...and just a small addendum...what my husband said...in and of itself was NOT wrong. We DO have it very good...and should be practicing gratitude...but to ONLY offer those pearls without first offering empathy and support was the misstep.***

XOXOXOXOXOXO

S.C.
Posted 10/17/2016 8:05 PM (GMT 0)
awesome stuff. your wisdom and compassion is wonderful my enlightened buddy.
Posted 10/17/2016 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
I am sure your hubby didn't mean it in the way it came out if he has never had A/D. It's similar to someone who is a bit fed up saying "I'm really depressed" If they have never suffered with the real delibitating symptoms they cannot fully understand.

Your natural mum instincts kicked in, to ensure your daughter gets the support YOU know she may need.
It is difficult as a parent to get the level just right, i believe thats because if there is any sign that they may suffer any of the torment that we have endured with any anxiety or depression issues.. We do not want them to ever suffer the same.

My youngest daughter started with mild OCD and anxiety when she was taking her exams 12 years ago, and i was devastated for her and eventually got on her nerves because evrytime she was a bit quiet or distant, i would be checking she was ok. I just wanted it all to be ok for her.

She is 32 now with a daughter of her own and tells me she now knows why i was so protective and persistent. She still has Mild OCD but she manages it well.

I hope your daughter talks if she needs and wants to, and i am sure her Dad will be next in line behind you to give his support .. If its needed.
Some people are just not good with dealing with problems, situations, health issues etc , it isnt a gender thing. xxx
Glad you ranted and Hissed it,s good for the soul 😉
Posted 10/17/2016 9:14 PM (GMT 0)
SC

You rock and are a great Mum and your daughter is lucky to have you there for support and well done for talking with her and letting her know you are open to talk to as that is really important.

I don't know what I would have done without the support from my parents.

Hibee
Posted 10/17/2016 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
Gilly,

That is a great point...it is absolutely not gender biased! I've seen the opposite roles played out in other couples...and with my niece and her wife...it is clear that my niece in-law is much more wired up to be the nurturer...although they both are very positive and supporting...

So, I hope I did not come out as 'male bashing'....it's just that the offender in this case happens to be...well a male, lol! ;p

Thanks for taking the time to share your experience and your daughter's story.:)

Now, go take a swim in that lovely Atlantic!!

S.C.
Posted 10/18/2016 1:15 AM (GMT 0)
I think there are times when we all put our foot in our mouths... and it seems like your husband sure did that!

But really, so many kudos for being so on top of your daughter's mental health. I *wish* my own mother was able to care half that much.
Posted 10/18/2016 3:47 AM (GMT 0)
SF,

Yes, definitely a foot in mouth moment...

...and yes, I am trying...

Thanks for the encouragement! :)

S.C.
Posted 10/18/2016 7:27 AM (GMT 0)
SC, has she ever came here just to see what we are like? It always helps to know one is not alone.

I never understood my wife's anxiety, panic, or depression until the day i had my own great enlightenment,
lol.
But baby i thought i was dying, I know what i said ten thousand times about just snap out of it, can't
you just get a hold of yourself, I don't even think you try, you just sleep all the time,
"just some crow i had to learn to eat".

She never once said any of the stupid thing i had said to her, this will sound unreal but God knew i wanted to understand and He gave me the answer, He knew i would never get it anyother way! Peace
Larry ***
Posted 10/18/2016 3:37 PM (GMT 0)
Larry,

Thanks my friend...that is quite a story, and no, I don't tire of hearing it one bit! :)

I do so much appreciate/admire B's resiliency and optimism...

...but is it wrong for a teensy part of me to wish he had a taste of the challenges we face...just for a second, so he could have that "OMGsh!" moment?...............;p

Human nature.....gotta laugh about it sometimes!

S.C.
Posted 10/18/2016 6:08 PM (GMT 0)
It never ceased to amaze me, during the years we went to group therapy together we were the only
married couple, everyone had been divorced by their partner, "the i dont get it factor"
or if you really loved me you would "get well",

Karma bites like hell as it should, this was my biggest problem with most doctors, they just don't get it,
unless they have had their own moment of truth, when we found one, my wife started to recover rapidly,
There are many therapists and doctors who do know and understand, search well and learn to trust. Peace

Larry ***
Posted 10/18/2016 11:29 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for sharing your rant S.C...as always you help us feel like we're understood and I know I can relate to this; as I'm sure most here can.
It sounds like your hubs got it pretty quick and the way you cut it off is a reminder to me to set an example in front of the kiddies rather than voice how I really feel.
Kudos!
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