Don't know what to do

Hello, I am new here. I have been reading posts, and can relate to so many of you all. I was born into anxiety, (both genetically, and environmental) my current situation for the past 15 years is living with my boyfriend and our 14 year old daughter. We never got married because he has been very controlling, and at times verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. He uses emotional extortion to manipulate and control. He recently had heart surgery because he let his teeth go bad without going to a dentist. This happened soon after he got back from living in another state for over a year for work. After I took care of him and nursed him back to health, his old ways soon came back. I also found out that he almost positively cheated on me while working in the other state. He denies it, but he is also a compulsive liar, (long story but he has lied many times in the past). The therapist I have seen on and off believes he is a narcissist, which I do as well. My problem is, the relationship is over. We live in the same house as we signed both our names on the house because ewe thought we would be in it for the long run. It is not paid off, however I have not paid one penny towards it, as I assumed the roll as "wife" and quit my job when I had our daughter 14 years ago to raise her. I also took care of the house and his 3 dogs he has before he met me and his cat. thorughtout the 15 years we we've been together, I have worked part time jobs, and racked up my credit card bills, as I am now in credit card debt. I aslo went back to online college to earn my degree in accounting, and I now have a 90,000 school loan on top of all the credit card debt to pay off. The car I drive is in his name, (something he made sure of). So basically I am under his complete financial control. I did get a full time job in accounting, however it does not pay enough for me to move out and pay off my debt. He will not move out. He has threatned in a fight to, but still hasn't. We do not talk at all. We are roomates, and absolutely do not like one another. We can not even get along as friends. He is starting to use the emotional narcissistic behavior on our daughter and it is stressing me out so bad. I grind my teth at night, I have heart palpitations, and I am on Zoloft for anxiety. He is not physically abusive by any means, but if he doesn't get love admiration and attention when he wants it, he will make it very tense in the house by slamming doors, and not speaking to our daughter for days as a ways of I guess punishing her. All it will take is for her to not say good night to him one night for him to do this. She doesn't say good night to him sometimes because he spends all day on weekends in his bedroom as well as after work. He is so disconnected from her, and obsessed with watching football, baseball, hockey, basketball etc. It has always been this way. Ever since me and him "stopped talking" permanently, he only talks to our daughter when I am not in the room. It is so dysfunctional it is unbelievable.

I don't know what my options are. We are not married, I have no money to leave. I may have to get a second job to pay off my debt. I am miserable. My family lives in another state and they can't help me anyway, my Mother is 75 and taking care of my disabled sister and her two kids. I have absolutely no support. I want my daughter to finish high school where we live so I want to stay in the city I am in until she graduates, and I can't imagine living in a shelter. It is not that unbearable in the home, just not normal, and not happy. I am not in love with him, I never was. I moved in with him because I got pregnant, and I was afraid to do it alone, plus he was a controlling manipulator from the get go. I have since gotten much stronger with him and don't take his controlling like I used to which is why we have only said a handful of words to each other in the past year. If I am not living up to his "standards" he is miserable to be around. In the past he always accused me of cheating and looking at men. I wasn't allowed to have male friends, and stopped talking to them all the first week into dating him. He doesn't like me to have female friends either. He is exactly like my father was to my mother in that regard.

I know this is effecting my daughter, and I know I am need to get her a therapist, and I will. I just feel so hopeless for myself, like long after our daughter graduates and moves out on her own, I will still be stuck in this. Being with him even for a few minutes makes me so miserable.

I am sorry for long post. I just needed to vent. I can't afford to move out at this time, and he won't budge for whatever reason. I just need to figure out what to do. I also fear what he will do when I move out with our daughter, because she has already told me she does't want to live with him. And that will absolutely destroy his ego and narcissistic personality.
Thanks for listening. It is good to meet you all.

Sometimes I feel so consumed with anxiety, I feel like I am drowning in it.

Hi FB
Welcome to HW forum .. I am glad you found this site where you are able to express your concerns for your self and your daughter .
SC has given you good food for thought for you to mull over some options.

It won't be easy which ever choices you make .. Your daughter is lucky to have you realising how this is affecting her.

I wish you well and hope you can make that first step for a healthier future for you both.

Again I am glad you found HW everyone needs a friend , and everyone on here is friendly and helpful.

Sending you strength and encouragement xx

Anxiety can cause health worries as everything is heightened when in an anxious state.
Have a look in the resources page for some tips and advice on coping skills.
Helping to manage your anxiety will give you a clearer mind.

I am glad you wrote down your fears and concern's sharing with people who won't judge who just care can be a weight off your mind.

Look after you x
Please share any time you need xx

You say he isn't dangerous but trust me this kind of stress is dangerous to your long term mental AND physical health. You can stay there for now if you are safe and start making plans to get out if that is what you need to do for yourself and your daughter. You can save money, start looking at your options and get planning. It may not be easy but a lifetime of being controlled and unhappy costs so much too. We're here to listen if you need to talk. ((HUGS))

Hi Fearbug,

I can totally relate to what you have been through. I have just gotten out of that, and losing 10k worth of money on a house. I totally understand what you mean, but i guess im better off than you in a sense i dont have debts. I am thanking the gods i haven't married her.

Anyway, like everyone has said, debts can be cleared money can be made.. But mental health is difficult to reverse. The longer you stay the harder it is to break. My 2 cents worth, the shelter is a better option as it provides safety.

Best of luck to you, healing well is always here. Wear that mouth guard.
Cheers,
The japanese santa.