This is my first time writing on this forum but I feel like this is my last resort because it is getting more difficult to breath and relax each day.
I am 18 years old and never really suffered from anxiety or panic attacks until May/june last year. I first had my panic attack before my A level exam, i felt as if i was dying and i felt nauseous, restless, sweating, palpitations. Negative thoughts just continued to consume my mind no matter what my family members or teachers told me. I was convinced i was going to fail and not get the grades to get into university. I even suffered from constant anxiety when i looked at my revision i just had this mind frame that i was weak, useless and stupid. However, when results came in i managed to obtain the grades i needed to get into university which did make my anxiety go down a lot and over the summer i felt mild anxiety but never at a very high level.
Fast forward to when University started, i knew i would experience some degree of anxiety because i don't know anybody and its a new chapter of education for me, nothing compared to school. However i did not experience any anxiety attacks or anything like that and i really enjoyed my first semester of university, i even obtained the highest in my essays and other small class tests. I finally told myself having anxiety is not a weakness and i can always ask for help. So i did i finally booked an appointment to see my GP and he prescribed with propranolol which i took everyday and it did help but i did not want to rely on medication as a solution to my own problems. I eventually got referred a psychiatrist who assigned me to CBT. Ironically, the degree i study at university is psychology and i have actually learnt about
how CBT works and for a few months up until christmas it did work. The negative thoughts managed to diminish and i felt like i was finally getting better. I know i am not a failure and i managed to finally control my anxiety. However february came and i got a severe panic attack when i was travelling to my parents house by car because i always experience travel anxiety and the feeling of dread lingered and lingered for a week. Suddenly my anxiety generalised to all aspects of daily life, i felt anxious attending to lectures and even being on my own and eating in public. Also my anxiety for failing uni and exams has also returned 10x worse and this is actually affecting my performance at school. Also, family issues have also contributed because i witness a family member collapse in front of me and there has always been a stigma to speak out in an asian family. It is now april, a year since i suffered my first panic attack almost... i just want to feel normal again.. when i feel like ive finally got control of my anxiety it comes back. I feel more depressed everyday because i have to put on a fake smile continuously and its getting harder and harder. I'm also back on medication which isn't helping at all. I try to do things to distract my mind such as exercise and going out with my friends but their all just temporary fixes because once i get back home the anxiety comes back. I know these thoughts are irrational and it is basically my body's fight or flight response but sometimes i feel so mentally drained that i can't handle it anymore. However, i know panic attacks can't kill me, i know that much but understanding my condition isn't helping me at all because now i get anxious over studying and im afraid it is going to affect my performance in my upcoming exams because its already starting to show affect on my health and uni work.
Please provide any advice for how i can tackle this, sometimes i feel like giving up and i wonder if it would be better that i wasn't here anymore. No i am not suicidal i know taking my life wouldn't be the right thing to do but it is getting so hard to deal with. please help me </3
