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Posted 8/6/2019 3:01 PM (GMT 0)
Been a while.. last time I posted was to say my gf had been diagnosed with cancer and she passed away last august. Amazingly enough,I did well through all of it but now as the year approaches,I'm losing my grip. My anxiety is out of control,I'm not eating right and I'm not sleeping right and I've missed work. Her kids,who I raised for the last 10 years are not talking to me and I'm a mess. I wake up sick to my stomach and just anxiety out of control. I've been here before,I know its anxiety,I know I've overcome it before and I will again but I feel really defeated.
I'm going to go back to work today and try and put on a brave face, but when everyone says "you're losing weight,you're not the same", I just want to walk out and cry. Maybe that's what I need to do is find a place to be alone and cry it all out...I dont know.
Just rambling and im.sorry if I dont make sense!!
Posted 8/6/2019 7:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi

Welcome back to the forum but sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the moment.

I would suggest you go and see your doctor and see if there is anything they can do to help it may be good to ask for a referral to see a therapist?

Have a look at our resources for some good links to self help on the web and keep posting here we are here to help support you.

Hibee
Posted 8/7/2019 4:39 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Megan and welcome back,

Although I am sorry it is due to the very rough time you are going through now. I am saddened to hear that you are having such difficulty with anxiety and the eating and sleeping issues that go along with it.

So a couple of things here. One you are coming up on the anniversary...and while you have had some time to mourn B...it is still brand new in many ways...and these significant firsts are always really hard. That is of course going to trigger you.

However, I would dare to say (and forgive me if I've overstepped) that the fact that you are the kids are having conflict is even more affecting you. You love those kids and have always felt a sense of being their parent...and after B's passing...felt even more responsibility for them. I can't imagine what it must be doing to you to not be talking with them. I am not sure what happened...but I hope that they can see how wrong it is for you not to be pulling together at this time. I pray for resolution!

For now, work your coping skills, go to your appointments and do your best to get through this period. It will not always be this hard. You will come out the other side of this given time and continued efforts.

Keep posting with us so we can keep you wrapped up in support. okay?

S.C.
Posted 8/7/2019 4:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hey SC.. you're not overstepping boundaries and are completely right that the kids and I not talking or seeing eachother has really broke me down. Some things were said and I chose to move out of Beck and I home and had Jay with me at 1st...theres some bad blood between some family members and I was blamed for some other things that took place before Beck passing away..which led to the kids having to make a choice(not by me) and of course they chose their moms family and I do not blame them for the choice they made but my heart is broken. Death does something to people and I'll never understand but hope one day they will see I wasnt at fault and they know I love them and will always be around so when they are ready, they can come to me.
As far as myself,you're also right,i think i pushed too hard to compartmentalize my grief and focus so much on the kids and the court battle that i didnt actually really grieve her death. Now as we approach the 27th,my head is a dangerous place. Her friends keep reaching out to me for support and i can barely hold myself together.
I will say that today is a bit better than yesterday and every day that goes by hopefully finds more peace...moving on with my life was supposed to be easier,or so I thought. Maybe I wont ever be the same person I was before she died and that's ok. I am learning to love myself thru whatever comes.
I've got a p doc appt coming up and hoping he can sort me out.
I miss my kids alot!
I'll be in touch.
Posted 8/7/2019 10:04 PM (GMT 0)
I am really sorry to hear how things went down with her family. I know that as you said...with time the kids will realize that their relationship with you is important...and work to restore things with you...but for now, it is heartbreaking.

I am glad to hear that you have an appointment coming up. I hope you can discuss all with your doctor then and get some good guidance.

Do what you feel you can leading up to and on the 27th. If you can't do anything but grieve...then just do that. You don't (for lack of a better word) owe anyone anything...so just do what you need to in order to make it through these days.

You will be in my thoughts/prayers. Talk soon,

S.C.
Posted 8/8/2019 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
Just want to say that I hope things get easier for you. There are no rules or time limits on grief. Do what you need to do for yourself.

Try to hang in there and know we are all here for you.

Gentle hugs,

Karen...
Posted 8/8/2019 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you getting by..its been a rough last few years but this last one took its toll on me.
Losing your other half is hard, I've been through many deaths, mom passed away,grandparents,best friends and etc,but the loss of a partner is something I cant explain..she was my very best friend and I'll never be the same.
It helps to come here many nights and just read,even if I dont post.
Thank you for thinking of me.
Posted 8/8/2019 6:14 PM (GMT 0)
Take walks. Talk to a dog.
It doesn’t fix things, but it helps.
Posted 8/8/2019 8:24 PM (GMT 0)
I know what you mean... I been through a lot of deaths too. Family and first husband. I was 41 when he passed.. That was in 2000. He was ill for a long time, then got cancer in his lungs. So I grieved a lot before his death. Which kind of helped me keep it together when he did pass. Some... But we all grieve differently. And it is kind of like it has to come out no matter when.

I agree with the above post, take walks and talk to a dog. I do both myself.

I hope that things get easier for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/12/2019 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Megan - I know this is a few days old, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in reading posts but not posting. It's a weird kind of therapy within itself to know others are in the trenches as well...

I always find the anniversary of my mom's passing (which is unfortunately also her birthday) brings me back to a dark place. Keep your head up and check in when you need some extra support.

I'll be thinking of you!
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