**EDIT after reading over this i get it looks like such useless, first world problems with bragging on the side but i just needed somewhere to vent my feelings, no matter how over dramatic they are ah i'm cringing****
I've always been good(ish) at school and never awful at making friends. On the whole, my teachers like me as well. However, I've always been extremely socially anxious and awkward, which has been easy to cover up by acting extroverted and making jokes but recently I'm finding it more and more difficult to mask. This is probably due to the intense pressure i am putting myself under for my medical application that has to be submitted september 2019 (i'm 17)
Any friend that I've told about
this has been completely thrown off that I am even slightly anxious, and I've never told anyone how depressed I can get/have previously been. This is partly due to my increasing paranoia that everyone secretly dislikes me, finding me boring/annoying/rude. I used to be able to talk to anyone apart from almost 2 years ago, when I had what I can see now was a depressive episode. I'm terrified it's returning, especially now my social anxiety is becoming so unbearable that is rendering me incapable of leaving the house by myself. I've been trying to avoid this by making sure I have plans with different friends every day this summer, aswell as packing my schedule with hospital work experience and summer schools- but now I think this is just contributing to the burnout.
My self-esteem is also at an all time low and I can't look in a mirror without thinking how disgusting I look. I was scouted by a top modelling agent on instagram a few weeks ago but got turned down when I sent my natural looking side profile and head shots because I 'didn't fit the look', and I think that has a big part to play in why my self image has taken a particularly massive hit.
I also have a 'bestfriend' (who I am very much doing my best to distance myself from) who frequently likes to remind me how she thinks she is the sexy, fun and social one by bringing me down and constantly telling me I am the opposite of that. None of my bestfriends like her at all anymore because of this, however the effect of her over the past year has caused me a massive amount of stress.
long story short, I am just feeling so suffocated by life right now that I really don't know how I can go on much longer without driving away all my friends, no matter how many signs that they give to try and tell me they like me. I know it's all in my head but really I am certain they all secretly find me boring and too passive aggressive to hang out with but are just all too afraid to say it because they think everyone else liked me.
This is a really long, ranty and extremely pessimistic post which is entirely the reason it's anonymous. If anyone I know in real life found this, nothing would be the same and, without being dramatic, I would be ruined hahaha. kind of a last resort because I really feel as though I've got a one way ticket to rock bottom. I just thought that writing this would be quite cathartic i dont knowwwwww
Post Edited (eelpie1) : 8/13/2019 1:47:50 PM (GMT-6)