I'm back... and not doing so well....

I really feel bad that I seem to use this forum to vent when I need to- at times when I am feeling ok, I seem to avoid the board- unfortunately it's a very strong reminder of my "low" times.... (weird- there are certain foods, like sherbert, that remind me of my "low" times and I can barely look at them when I am feeling ok). 

Anyway, it felt good to jump back on here and see familiar names and read about successes... also very sorry to hear about those of you that are going through tough times- Lyn, I hope this post finds you doing better- you are such a special person and deserve some relief from all of this!!

Well, here I am at 1:30 am and completely revved up (in fact, I just got back from the pharmacy to pick up my Zoloft- had weaned down again, and was off of it for about a week- but definitely need it again!!) It seems everytime I feel like I am on the uphill, something happens to knock me down again!! (As my husband reminds me, that is what life is all about- but why does this always happen like this!!??)

My 19 year old daughter revealed recently that she likes both men and women.  I consider myself a very open-minded person and have tried very hard to be as accepting as I can, once I got over the initial shock (although I can't say it was a complete shock- there were subtle signs lately).  She is home from college for the summer- and has now taken an interest in the girl across the street, who is also home from college.  I am very fond of the family across the street- but, to be honest, I feel like her relationship is now constantly in my face- and though we both seem to be avoiding the issue, it is very much in front of me! I love my daughter and always will- I just need some time to adjust to this situation. So much to absorb and so much to confront- like when to answer honestly when others ask, "Does she have a boyfriend?"  She is the type of child that always want to do the right thing and to not disappoint me, so I don't want her to feel that I do not love her because of this.  Yet, to be honest, I can't wait until the summer is over and she goes back to college. 

I hope I have not offended anyone on this board- I have always been very tolerant and open-minded- it's just that this has hit home and I have to face the fact that the reality is not the expectation. 

I have spent the night vomiting- and I don't want to get myself sick over all of this- I've come too far to let myself slip all the way down again.  But I just can't relax and be "myself" right now...I am telling myself all the right things- even anticipating some of the responses from this board, but this is a very tough one for me! I remember last summer hitting bottom when my husband detoxed at home from a fentanyl patch- between E.R. visits and being up all night with him, I was a mess! I was so looking forward to this summer when I expected that things would be status quo (even though he is still working a temp job, and I am not happy at my new job).  But, once again, I find myself in the throngs of panic and anxiety...Before you know it, it will be morning and I will have to go to work and try to function normally...

Thanks for letting me vent!!

Oh, boxcastle, you don't know how much your post helped me!! Ironically, since I could not sleep last night, and was in a major state of anxiety, I went into my daughter (who seemed to be having trouble sleeping too) and told her that she is just going to have to bear with me as I walk this road of acceptance.  I wanted her to know that I am working on it, but it will take time. I did say that it is hard for me with her having a relationship with a neighbor, as it is in my face all the time, but that doesn't mean I don't want her to have this relationship if it makes her happy. I also told her that I will always love her- as long as she makes wise decisions in her life (and I guess even when she doesn't)- I know this is not something that she had a choice about- (by wise decisions, I meant things like driving drunk, etc.).  We had a very good conversation, but I woke up this morning with that gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach- hopefully time will help...

I do have one question for you though- but it is a rather personal one- so if you don't feel comfortable answering, that's ok (or if you'd rather e-mail me, that's ok too)- I have heard people say that there is really no such thing as bisexual- in fact, one friend felt that by saying she is bisexual, my daughter is just easing me into the fact that she is a ***- but my daughter seems confused by what she really wants, and still says she is bisexual, and feels she could go either way with a mate.  Sorry- but this is all so new to me- am just wondering about this...

Again, thank you, boxcastle!